


Hair'be

by TheNerd10



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's not actually specified but they're in their 20's, M/M, Manipulative Relationship, Slow Burn, hairdresser!robbe, tattoo artist!sander
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 75,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26862394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNerd10/pseuds/TheNerd10
Summary: Robbe is a hairdresser that keeps his true self locked away.Sander is a smitten tatoo artist.Can he get him to trust again?
Relationships: Robbe IJzermans/Original Male Character(s), Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 395
Kudos: 271





	1. Robbe

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!  
> This was just an idea that came into my head, originally was a one shot but I got a bit carried away. I have never written a long fic before so I'm so sorry if it doesn't make sense. 
> 
> Each chapter will alternate between Robbe and Sander's pov 
> 
> And just a note (to avoid any confusion) the summary says Robbe keeps his true self locked away. It is not to do with his sexuality, he is out in this fic 
> 
> Hair'be (herbe = weed in French) I'm sorry, I couldn't not do it haha
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Hairdressing has always been mine and Jens’ greatest passion. We had met while doing an apprenticeship and hit it off immediately. We’ve both worked for the same company our entire working careers. It has always been fun knowing there is a friendly face at work. Plus, we can joke around all day which fights off the boredom between customers. 

Once we became more experienced, we decided to start our own hairdressing business. It was Jens’ idea. He has always been the spontaneous one. We were just eating our lunch one day when he blurted it out. 

“We can’t do that!” I had spluttered, almost choking on my sandwich

“Sure we can, Robbe! We’ve been working at the same place for years. We’ve learnt so much there, but I think we can do it on our own now… well maybe not totally on our own, but you know what I mean” 

And that’s how Hair’be came to be. 

It took a while to fix up the building, the previous owners had not been kind to it at all. But once all the work was done, it was giving our rivals a run for their money. I know for a fact we have taken some of their customers. It’s a shame they have to lose for our gain but that’s just business.  
Our shop doubles as a hairdressers and barbers. Mainly because I prefer to work with longer hair while Jens works with the shorter cuts on the other side. We do switch often but those are our main roles. 

Colouring and styling long hair has always been a love of mine. Seeing the transformations of the people who come in is always amazing. Their hair riddled with split ends and damage turning into a magnificent wave of locks, the shape and colour doing more to compliment their skin tone and face shapes than before.  
I was sat at the reception desk, sipping on coffee and scrolling through my phone. I didn’t have another client for another hour, so I just decided to hang around the shop. There wasn’t really much else for me to do during the middle of the day. All my other friends were at work and wandering around the shops by myself had never been a very fun activity. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see my previous customer flirting with Jens. She was repeatedly touching his arm and flicking new newly styled chocolate brown hair.  
Well that was a waste of an hour. I thought as she messed it up. 

I could tell that she liked Jens as soon as she walked in. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him, even when I was cutting her hair she stole, not so subtle, glances at him in the mirror. At one point she almost spat water all over herself when the shower head slipped out of his hand on the other side of the room and splashed him. 

Sure, Jens is an attractive guy. But do I understand why people always fawn over him? No. 

“Just because you can’t get me, doesn’t mean you have to be bitter, honey” Jens jokes to me often. 

“Oh, please! I could get you if I wanted you” 

Jens was staring at the girl with a smile on his face. I should really have known he would like her; he has always had a thing for brunettes. Back during our apprenticeship, he would always follow around our boss, Jana, like a little puppy. It was cute but also very annoying, especially for her. 

They made their way over to the door, both with their coats on. 

“Um, Jens?” I called out 

They both spun around to face me. 

“What’s up?” 

“Aren’t you forgetting something…?” 

He smirked at me “Aww did you want me to give you a kiss goodbye, honey?” 

I made an indignant sound “No I most certainly do not. I meant, you have a customer coming any time now, remember? He called up earlier for a last-minute appointment” 

I put my phone down and flicked through the list of bookings “Yeah, here we are” I said, pointing to his name “Sander Driesen” 

“Can’t Zoë handle it?” 

“No, Jens! It’s her day off, we can’t ask her to come in just because you don’t want to work” 

Jens groaned deeply and the girl next to him had a faint look of annoyance on her face. He walked over to me, widening his eyes and pouting. 

“Robbe… could you do me huge favour?” 

I rolled my eyes at him this wasn’t the first time he had done this, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. “Fine. I’ll cover for you,” I pointed my finger at him “but you owe me!” 

He kissed the top of my head, muttering a quick “thanks” before grabbing the girl’s hand and rushing out of the shop. 

***  
I had been waiting for about half an hour for the customer, Sander, to turn up. So, I decided to listen to some music through the main speakers for once and take advantage of being by myself. 

David Bowie’s ‘Starman’ was echoing through the shop and I was dancing, rather embarrassingly, to the music. I can’t dance. That’s why I only do it when there is nobody around. No one needs to see my awkward attempts at trying to move my limbs in coordination. 

“Ah, so you’re a Bowie fan, huh?” a voice came from behind me 

I was so startled that I almost slipped over. Not even because he scared me but because I was not prepared for this beautifully carved statue (that must be what he is because no human being can possibly be that flawless) standing there. 

The Adonis was leaning against the reception desk. He kept moving his hand up to brush his shaggy brown hair out of his eyes. They were a beautiful green. It was hard to tear my eyes away from them. 

“Hi, um, sorry about that… I’m Robbe, by the way” I said, slightly out of breath after I ran to turn the music down and greet him. 

He gave me a kind smile “No need to apologise, Robbe. I can’t help but dance to Bowie when he’s playing either… Plus, I was very much enjoying the show” 

I was taken aback for a moment. He cannot possibly have meant he enjoyed watching me dance. If he did, maybe he needs to get his eyes checked. 

“Ha, um, well…” I stuttered, struggling to form a complete sentence while Sander was staring at me. I hated that I was like this, finding myself tongue tied whenever someone so much as looks at me. “What are you here for today?” I asked eventually 

“Just a cut for now if that’s ok? Having shoulder length hair might be fine for some people but it’s gotten too unmanageable for me” he chuckled, running a hand through his locks. 

“That’s no problem at all” I replied, “If you want to take off your jacket, we can start with wetting your hair” 

He nodded and shrugged off his leather jacket. Doing so revealed all the ink winding up his arms. There were all sorts of multicoloured patterns. I wondered what they meant or if they even had a significant value at all. Some people get tattoos for fun, maybe he just thought they would look cool on him. He would not be wrong on that. 

Sander must have caught me marvelling at his arms as he cleared his throat to get my attention, the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile. 

I shook myself out of my trance “yeah, um, sorry… if you could just take a seat right here and lean your head back…” 

If I had known this client would be such a struggle I would not have covered for Jens. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about how attractive he was, and it was stopping me from doing my best work. As much as I tried to focus on the task at hand, my mind couldn’t stop wandering. 

So far, I had splashed water over his face three times. He must think I am so incompetent. I hadn’t even started cutting his hair and things were going wrong. This poor guy must be so worried about the haircut he is about to get, fretting about what happens when I get scissors in my hand. 

Once I was satisfied that all the soap was rinsed out of his hair, I got him a towel and led him over to one of the chairs. 

“I have to apologise for that just now…” I said to him, embarrassed “Normally I’m much more controlled” 

A look of confusion flashed on his face “I’m not sure what you’re apologising for, it was really relaxing actually.” 

“Oh… I just splashed some water on your face a couple times but it’s not a big-”

His eyes went wide with shock “you did what? Oh my god, oh my god… is my mascara running? It took me so long to put it on this morning!” 

“I-I, it...” I stumbled 

Sander burst out into a fit of laughter “Robbe, I’m messing with you” he gave me a kind smile “You seem stressed out, try and relax a little. You’re doing a great job so far” 

I let out a laugh under my breath “I’ve only washed your hair… if you think that’s great, you ain’t seen nothing yet” 

“Well, I’m looking forward to you showing me your skills then” he winked at me 

I never thought being a hairdresser was a dangerous job, but this guy may kill me. 

“So… did you have a particular style in mind?” 

He smirked “Not really, I trust you one hundred percent… you’re the professional so do what you feel looks good” 

Do not under any circumstances mess this up. I thought to myself, not only would it be disappointing for you as an experienced hairdresser, but you would also be embarrassing yourself in front of one of the hottest guys you have ever seen. 

“Great” I managed to get out “let’s get started” 

***

Sander seemed determined to keep talking to me, which I was thankful for. I had never been very good at talking to people. Conversations just didn’t seem to flow when I was involved in them. 

“This may seem like an odd question, but it’s always bugged me…” Sander started “…do you cut your own hair?” 

“No, I don’t. That would be really difficult to do…” 

“Ah ok… have you ever tried to cut it yourself?” 

I replied somewhat hesitantly “Um… yes. I did before” I had done it years ago, using the kitchen scissors to hack off my curls in the bathroom. “That’s why I get my co-worker to do it from now on… It was a disastrous attempt”

“Well, your co-worker does a very good job. Your hair looks great” 

My head jerked up and our eyes met in the mirror. 

“Thanks” I mumbled, my cheeks tingling with heat “I’m sure he would appreciate that” 

I continued to cut his hair, more tendrils of his brown locks joining the ever-growing pile already lying at my feet. 

“And do you?” he asked 

“Do I what?” 

“Appreciate it. Your hair really does suit you” 

I cleared my throat “Oh… thank you. I do appreciate that. Although, it does seem like a minimum requirement for a hairdresser to have nice hair” 

“Nope” he said matter-of-factly “I have seen a load of hairdressers with, let’s just say… unfortunate hairstyles. You are definitely not one of them. It could be like that in any profession though” he continued “at my job, there are some people that have awful tattoos. As a tattoo artist you would think they would be more careful what they have inked on them. But as I say, it isn’t a requirement” 

“Oh, so you’re a tattoo artist” 

Really, I should have been able to guess. He has that artistic vibe about him. And on him. 

“Yep, I work at the tattoo parlour about an hour away” 

I did find that slightly odd. If he works, and most likely lives, that far away, why would he come here to get his hair cut? Surely there are perfectly good places to get it done over there. 

“Cool” I said, deciding not to mention it “I’ve always wanted to get a tattoo, never really had the guts to go through with it though” 

“You would always be welcome to come by and get one.” Sander told me “All of the people there are super chill, and crazy talented. Most of mine were done by them” 

“Hmm, maybe I will…” 

He grinned at me “It would be great to have you there. No pressure though, obviously” 

I didn’t know what to say to that. Did he mean he wants to see me again? Saying it would be great to have me might have just been him trying to get customers. They probably just need the business. 

“Could I just turn your chair around for a second? I have to finish off the front” 

“Not at all” 

I turned the chair so that Sander and I were face to face. His dazzling emerald eyes once again burning into mine. 

Trying not to get lost in them while I was supposed to be cutting his hair proved to be a great challenge, but I had done well at the rest of it. This was just the final stretch and I could relax. 

After a couple of minutes, I stepped back slightly, running my fingers through his hair to double check the length. Then I grabbed the hairdryer, quickly making sure that there was no dampness left. The loud sound of it was welcomed as it meant I would not have to embarrass myself in a conversation for a couple of minutes. 

“And… you’re all done!” I said, once I was certain the hair was dried completely. 

He spun back round to admire his new style in the mirror. It was a slight relief to not be under his gaze anymore. When I was trimming his hair, I could feel his eyes watching me the entire time. It made my heart pound a million times a minute. 

“Wow” he marvelled “Robbe, this looks incredible! You are so talented” he got up and pulled me into a tight hug “thank you so much” 

“It’s really not a problem” I said, too startled to properly hug him back. 

Sander pulled back and walked over to get his jacket “So, how much do I owe you?” 

“Um, €22, please” 

“Great” he handed me the money and I stored it away in the register. 

Sander looked like he was about to say something when my next customer rushed through the door, looking slightly flustered. 

“I’m so sorry, am I late? I got here as soon as I could” she rambled 

I gave her a warm smile “You’re right on time, don’t worry. Take a seat over there and I’ll be right over… can I get you a drink?” 

She gave a sigh of relief “thank god for that. Could I just have a regular coffee please?” 

“Not a problem” 

She shrugged off her bag and jacket, slumping into a chair. 

I turned to Sander, giving him my most apologetic look “Sorry to have to end this so abruptly but I’d better see to my next customer…” 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, this is your job” he replied, then turned to the other customer, raising his voice so she could hear him “just so you know, you’re in very good hands. This man is probably the most talented hairdresser in the country… No, the world” 

He gave me a salute and winked at me, almost making my heart stop “see you later, Robbe” he said softly, before leaving the shop. 

I stood there dumbfounded for a moment, my heart racing. No customer had ever given me such high compliments and said them so earnestly. 

There was a good chance that we would never see each other again. We don’t exactly live close enough for our paths to cross. I would have enjoyed getting to know him better, despite my awkward social skills. Sander seems like such a great guy. 

I sighed deeply and tore my eyes away from the door before pasting a smile back on my face and getting back to work.


	2. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I'm so sorry if things seemed inconsistent. I tried so hard not to rush things and keep them consistent but when there are pov changes it makes it a bit harder 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy!

I had come back to work with my hair cut, so my friends knew that I had been to see Robbe. There was no hiding it. We were all sat in the break room together as I gave them a recount of the previous day.

“You saluted at him?” Noor asked incredulously 

“And I winked!”

Moyo punched me lightly on the arm “Dude, that doesn’t make it any better… who salutes? Are you a sailor?”

I rolled my eyes and buried my face in my hands. My first encounter with Robbe had been a disaster. Well not completely, I guess. He didn’t seem to be repulsed by me, so I’ll take that as a win.

“He probably thinks I’m a complete weirdo now” I mumbled into my hands

Noor rubbed my back sympathetically while Moyo snorted “He wouldn’t be wrong”

“Shut up, idiot” she hissed “You’re right but now isn’t the time”

I lifted my head up and glared at both of them “Wow, thank you so much. This is really helping”

Noor and I had gone to visit a friend in the town Robbe works in about a month ago. When we walked past his shop, I saw him through the window. He was dying a woman’s hair, a look of pure concentration on his face. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes on and I had been infatuated with him ever since.

Moyo and Noor had convinced me too book an appointment to get my hair done. I had been wanting to cut it off for a while so they figured I could kill two birds with one stone. I didn’t think they would have a slot open for me yesterday, so I was left totally unprepared. There was no time to plan a speech or anything. Just me trying to act normal in front of that angel.

“Ok, ok” Noor said “What you need to do now is think of an excuse to go down there and see him”

“Yeah, I can do that”

They nodded at me encouragingly

“Just remember… under no circumstances are you to salute.” Moyo said sternly “Seriously man. Don’t do it.”

“I’ll try my best”

“I believe in you sweetie” Noor said, ruffling my hair “He did do an incredible job on that mop of yours though. Can you hurry up and start dating him so he can give me a discounted haircut?”

“Noor!” I whined at her, embarrassed “Cut it out, I need to actually get to know this guy first”

She rolled her eyes so hard I was worried they would get stuck “Don’t play dumb with me Driesen, we all know you’ve probably written you’re wedding speech already”

I have an outraged noise as Moyo doubled up laughing beside me.

“Now, I’m going to get back to work… you two probably should too” she told us, she got up swiftly, pressing a quick kiss on my cheek and left the room, probably to finish off the designs for her clients.

“How come she only kisses you?” Moyo grumbled “There are other people here”

I chuckled “Moyo, just tell her you like her! I’m pretty sure she’s doing it more now to annoy you. She’s trying to get a reaction”

“I might… she’s just so cool! I’m nowhere near her league”

I gave him a comforting pat on the back “You know what you could do?”

“What?”

“…Salute”

He got up and stormed out of the room, throwing his arms up in the air “I’m not saluting at her”

***

I was stood outside of the shop, wondering whether to go in or not. I still hadn’t thought of anything to say at all.

I phoned up about a week ago to book another appointment, but I don’t know what it’s for. When I did it, I thought I would figure it out before I got here but my mind is blank. Well, it isn’t blank but Robbe is taking up all of the space in there.

Deciding to bite the bullet, I opened the door and walked inside. I brought my hand up to brush the hair away from my face, pausing awkwardly halfway and bringing it back down again when I remembered I had it cut. It had been a couple of weeks since my haircut, but old habits die hard. 

Robbe was sat at the desk this time instead of dancing. I still couldn’t forget his adorably dorky dance moves.

I walked over and stood in front of the desk “Hi, Robbe”

His head jerked up “Sander, hey! I wasn’t expecting to see you back here so soon… was there a problem?”

“No, no, no” I said quickly “no problem at all, couldn’t fault it”

“Oh, great! That’s a relief then. Normally we only have customers come back quickly when something has gone wrong” he gave a small laugh “glad that isn’t the case then”

I was slightly guilty that I had made Robbe worried. He gave me a fantastic haircut; it suits me way better than my other style did.

“So… why are you here then?” he asked me, a curious expression on his face

I glanced around the shop, trying to find some inspiration. There was a blonde girl sat over in what I assumed to be a staff break area.

“Bleach” I blurted out and mentally facepalmed

Robbe giggled, I could listen to that sound all day, “Bleach…?”

“Um, yeah… I want to bleach my hair” I said, the words were a surprise even to me as they came out of my mouth “I figured, better to get it done here than do it myself. There are so many at home bleach fails on YouTube that have warned me off that forever.”

“Yeah, probably best to leave it to the professionals” he replied “wouldn’t want you to fry off that beautiful hair”

My heart quickened at that, but I had to remember to stay calm. He didn’t call me beautiful, he said it about my hair. He’s a hairdresser, obviously he is going to think that. Especially because he is the one who styled it.

I could see him checking what I assumed to be a schedule before he looked up, smiling at me.

“So, you’re going to have Zo­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ë doing your hair for you today, if that’s ok? As you can see, she has more experience in the bleaching department, so you will be in safe hands”

 _No,_ I wanted to shout _I don’t want some random girl doing my hair, doing something I wasn’t even planning on, I might add_

All I wanted was another chance to talk to Robbe and it was already turning out to be a mess.

“Hey, Zo­­­­­­­­­ë!” Robbe called out, gesturing over to the blonde girl

She came over, smiling brightly, “What’s up?”

“This is Sander” he introduced “He’s having his hair bleached today. I thought you could handle it for me”

“Ooh, this is Sander?” a confused expression appeared on her face “wait, don’t you want-”

“You’re the best at bleaching, don’t be modest Zo­­­­­­­­­­­ë” he interrupted her with a pointed look

She shrugged “you’re the boss” and turned to me “Hey, I’m Zo­ë! It’s so nice to fin- so nice to meet you”

“Likewise,” I said, trying not to sound too disappointed.

I couldn’t help it. I am sure this girl is perfectly nice and fantastic at what she does but all I really wanted was Robbe. What was the point of even dying my hair if me and him weren’t going to talk? He is the only reason I am doing this.

Zo­ë told me to take a seat “I’ll be over in just a moment”

Once I sat down, I saw her and Robbe talking. It didn’t seem like a very chill conversation. Both of them seemingly becoming more annoyed the longer they talked. Robbe kept clutching his head in frustration and Zoë put her hands on his shoulders, looking about ready to shake him.

“Sorry about that” Zo­ë said to me once she came over “sometimes he is just such a dummy…”

“It’s fine, no worries”

“Would you like anything to drink or eat?” she asked politely

“Um, no thanks. I’m ok”

“You sure? This is going to be a long process, you might get thirsty” she leant down to whisper in my ear “Plus, I can make Robbe bring it over…”

She stood up straight again and gave me a knowing look.

The thought of having Robbe come over was very appealing and I couldn’t think of another way to do it.

“On second thoughts… I think I’ll have a black coffee, please”

She turned around “Yo, Robbe! One black coffee and one regular coffee”

He gave her an exasperated expression “seriously, Zo­ë?”

She smiled sweetly, her eyes glittering “deadly”

He stomped off towards the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest, grumbling about how he had other things to do.

“Don’t worry about him” Zoë said, rolling her eyes “now, let’s get started, shall we?”

***

Zoë and I were both sat down drinking the coffee that Robbe begrudgingly made for us. He had been going back and forth between us and the kitchen, serving us drinks. The bleach was itching my head and all I wanted to do was scratch it, but I couldn’t. It was a terrible ordeal.

I was starting to think that maybe Robbe truly wasn’t happy that I was here. He only spoke to me when we came in and he has barely looked at me since. All I wanted was a chance to talk to him.

“He’s cute right?” Zoë murmured to me

I snapped my attention back to her “Sorry, what?”

She snorted “Robbe, the guy that you’ve been staring at since you walked through the door. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you checking him out”

I sighed, there was no point trying to hide it. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to anyway, “Well obviously, he’s gorgeous”

“Why so sad then?” she asked, taking another sip of her drink

“It’s nothing…”

She set down her coffee and placed her hand over mine, comfortingly “Look, Sander, I’ve been friends with Robbe for a long time. We are roommates, so we know each other really well. Just give him some time, ok? He gets like this when he-”

When she abruptly stopped, I looked to my side and saw that Robbe had appeared “How are things going over here?”

“Robbe! It’s good” she glanced down at her watch “I would say the foils are just about ready to come off…”

He nodded and began to turn away but not before Zoë quickly blurted out “could you finish this up for me though?”

“Why?” he asked, sounding slightly irritated “This is your client. It’s your job. What do you think I’m paying you to do here?”

Zoë was staring right back at him with the same serious gaze “I understand that _boss,_ but I just got a call from Yasmina… it’s very urgent. I figured, since you don’t have any important tasks right now, you would have no problem helping me out with one customer.”

I could see the unimpressed look on his face “Uh huh, really? So, you need to go right now?”

“Yep… she sounded super worried”

Robbe let out a very resounding sigh “just go. But you’re making me dinner as payback”

“I always do” she replied “sorry to leave so soon, Sander…” she said to me, not sounding sorry in the slightest, before making a brisk exit. 

“I’d fire her if she wasn’t so damn good at her job” Robbe muttered under his breath

I looked up at Robbe cautiously. His eyes were so dark and intense, much different from the light brown colour they were the last time we saw each other, and he had obviously been running his hands through his hair because it was sticking up in different directions. Despite all of that, he still looked so incredibly beautiful.

He seemed to be nervous. His eyes were darting around, and he kept bringing his hand up to touch his nose.

“So… the foils are coming off then?” I asked quietly

He looked down at me quickly, almost as if he had forgotten I was there at all “Yes… um… yeah, I can take those off for you now, then we need to wash it and condition”

I nodded along as if I knew anything he was talking about “sure, sounds good.”

Quick question though”

“What’s up?”

I grinned at him “Do you think I’ll suit the blonde?”

Some of the tension in him seemed to dissipate as he gave a small laugh “I think it’s a bit late to be asking that, Sander”

I chuckled with him “Maybe so… but you didn’t answer the question”

He didn’t meet my gaze, deciding to keep his eyes firmly pointed at the foils he was removing. I could see the faint dusting of pink blooming on his face though. It was so adorable my heart almost burst looking at him. 

“I think you’ll look great” he mumbled “the blonde should suit you really well”

“You’re the professional… so, I’m holding you personally responsible if it looks terrible”

He giggled like he had done earlier. That sound really was music to my ears.

“Me? I wasn’t even the person that did it for you”

I smirked at him “Yes but you’re the _boss_ , right? I’ll have to take my complaints right to you. There might be a lot, so clear your schedule”

The blush on his cheeks deepened as he looked up, meeting my gaze in the mirror “I guess I’ll have to…”

***

Robbe was drying off my hair. I was trying not to act so affected by the feeling of his hands on my head, but I don’t think I was handling it as well as I hoped. Every time his fingers brushed the skin on my face or neck my eyes fluttered shut on their own accord.

He must have been concerned because he asked if I was ok a few times. 

“I’m not hurting you, am I? The dryer isn’t too hot?”

 _The only thing that’s too hot is you._ I wanted to reply, but this was only our second meeting. I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

“Nope, it’s fine” I decided to say instead

“Ok, it’s all done!” Robbe told me once he had finished with the drying “sorry that it’s such a long process”

“It’s my own fault for getting it done. I should be the one apologising for taking up so much of your time”

He smiled, the adorable laugh lines becoming more prominent on his face “it’s my job, so no worries”

We went over to the reception desk and I paid for the session.

“So, Robbe…” I said to him as he put away the money “What do you think of the blonde?”

He smiled up at me shyly, making my heart melt at the sight, “I think it looks great. It definitely suits you better than the brown” He slowly walked round the desk and stood in front of me, hesitantly reaching up to touch my hair. I hardly dared to breathe, not knowing what would make this dream end. “it will need a lot of maintaining, but you pull it off so well. If you ever want to come back here and get it done… I would – one of us would be happy to do that for you”

 _You. Only you._ I wanted to say _Even if I had to walk for hours to get here, I would if it meant getting to see you._

“Yeah – yes! Um, that would be great” I stammered

Robbe removed his hand from my hair. We both just stood there smiling at each other, waiting for the other to make the first move.

“So…” I started “Would you maybe want to-”

The door of the shop swung open, interrupting me. I hated that damn door.

A raven-haired boy burst through, a wide smile on his face. Robbe lit up as soon as he saw him.

“Hey, honey!” the boy said once he reached Robbe, pulling him into a hug and kissing the top of his head “How have things been today?”

“It’s been ok, things will probably be better now that you’re here now though”

So, he had a boyfriend. All the hopes I had built up vanished and my heart sunk.

I really should have known he was dating someone. A person that funny, sweet and attractive was obviously going to be taken. He is such a rare human to find, nobody in their right mind would let him get away easily. Of course, there was so much I didn’t know about him, but you could tell just by looking at him how special he is. Robbe lights up the room just by standing there.

“Hey, um, I’m gonna go…” I said uncomfortably, not wanting to stand there for another moment longer, staring at them.

Robbe looked surprised and a little… disappointed?

“Really? Are you sure? I have time, you can stay and talk if-”

“No, no really” I interrupted. If I didn’t leave now, I knew he would convince me to stay and my heart couldn’t handle seeing them together “I have to go… sorry”

I gave him a sad smile before walking away. It took everything in me not to turn and around and look back at him, but he was probably attached to his boyfriend’s face. That was something I did not want to see.

I pulled out my phone and called Noor. She picked up on the second ring.

“Sander, how did it go?”

“He has a boyfriend”

There was a moment of silence where neither of us knew what to say

“I’m sorry, sweetie” she said softly, “do you want to come round mine? I have cookies…”

“No thanks, as appealing as that sounds, I’m just going to go home”

“Ok… but text me when you get there”

“Sure, talk to you later”

I hung up the phone and began walking to the tram, the picture of Robbe wrapped in the boy’s arms playing on repeat in my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, feedback is appreciated :) 
> 
> Tumblr: thenerd10


	3. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine having an upload schedule. Couldn't be me 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

I slammed the front door shut behind me as I stormed into flat. Still angry about what Zoë had done earlier.

“Yasmine better be dying” I yelled, the sound echoing off the walls

She walked out into the hallway “Well hello to you too, I’m guessing someone didn’t have a very good day at work”

“Hmm I don’t know, maybe we should ask Zoë how my day went”

I marched into the kitchen, Yasmina following me curiously, where Zoë was there making dinner. I crossed my arms over my chest, giving her a fiery glare.

“So, what was that urgent matter about then?” I asked icily “Because everything seems fine to me”

Zoë rolled her eyes and laughed “don’t be stupid, you know it was just an excuse for me to get out of there”

“I know that!” I said through gritted teeth “But I thought I made it perfectly clear to you I didn’t want you to leave, when _I_ was the one who sent you over there in the first place!”

She raised her eyebrows at me “Well, you’ve being going on and on about Sander since you first met him. You didn’t seem willing to talk to him, so I stepped in to help you. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with giving you a little nudge”

“Except there is!” I exclaimed “I wasn’t ready to speak to him – a fact that you were aware of, and you still forced me into that situation. And you left me alone in the shop. What is it with you and Jens thinking I can handle being the only one working there? You are so lucky he turned up eventually”

Yasmina gently put her hand on my shoulders and guided me to sit at the table “Ok, you need to calm down” she said “I get that those two should not leave you by yourself, that wasn’t cool” she gave Zoë a pointed look “but the other thing really doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. Zoë prompted you to speak to a guy you like, so what?”

“It’s just… whenever I like someone, I always find a way to mess it up” I said quietly, staring down at my hands “Sander seems like such a cool guy… I needed some time to think of something to say, so I wouldn’t ruin it”

“Robbe, that’s not true at all” Zoë said softly “You are amazing, you don’t mess things up”

“But I do!” I mumbled “It’s always my fault”

“Is this about Philip?”

I kept my head down, refusing to make eye contact. The mention of his name still hurts.

“Robbe” Yasmina said gently “look at me”

I lifted my head slowly, hesitantly meeting her eyes.

“Talk to us, please”

“We love you” Zoë told me “I’m sorry if you felt like I pushed you… I didn’t know you were still struggling so much”

I sighed, my eyes prickling with tears that I desperately blinked back “No, no I’m not struggling. I’m sorry for snapping at you” I replied “you were just trying to do a nice thing. To be honest, I would do the same for you” I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face “I was just being a drama queen. This is nothing to do with Phil… he is way in the past. The nerves of having to talk to my crush just made me a little worked up. Sorry to take it out on you”

They did not seem convinced, looking at me with wary expressions.

“You’re sure everything is ok?” Zoë asked me

“Of course!” I replied brightly

Yasmina said nothing, continuing to stare at me with her concerned eyes. I hated that look. It just reminds me that she can always seem to see through every fake emotion I try and put on.

“Ok, so what happened with Sander then? You didn’t really explain…” Zoë asked

“Oh… things just ended on a weird note” I said “he left really abruptly”

_Because of me._ I thought, _He could not get out of there quick enough._

“Do you know why?” she questioned me

I shrugged “Not sure”

I did know. I tried to talk and lower my defences, act like myself for a bit, and he left. It’s just like Phil always told me, I’m an embarrassment. I drive everyone away.

“Anyway… I think I’m going to take a nap, sleep off this grumpiness” I laughed

“I made dinner for you though…” Zoë told me, seeming slightly disappointed

I gave her an apologetic expression “sorry, I just need some sleep, I’ll have some next time”

I walked out of the kitchen and hurriedly walked to my room, throwing my bag down on the floor. I took off my jeans in favour of some comfier sweatpants before slumping onto my bed, burying my face in the pillows.

“Robbe?” came a voice from behind my door “Do you mind if I come in?”

“Yasmina… I’m trying to sleep” I said, the weakest excuse of all time

She opened it anyway and walked inside, completely ignoring what I said. Sometimes I wonder why she bothers asking at all.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” she asked “You just seem a bit… just… not yourself”

_I haven’t been myself for a while. There are too many thoughts embedded in my brain that stop me from being myself. I’m constantly terrified that everyone I love will leave me if I go back to being that guy._ Is what I wanted to say.

I wanted to tell her desperately, but Yasmina was my longest friend. She’s practically my sister. If I said something and she walked away from me… I don’t think I could handle it.

We have known each other for almost our entire lives. Our parents were friends, so we would always meet at gatherings or have dinner with each other. It wasn’t an immediate friendship; she took a while to warm up to me. Yasmina was a very independent person, but I was too persistent and once we did become friends, it was un unbreakable bond.

Deep down I knew that she wouldn’t judge me. She was the one that was there for me before, after all. But there was always that one nagging doubt in my mind that convinces me to keep quiet because what if she thought I was dragging things out for way too long and gets sick of waiting around for me to get better? It was not worth the risk.

“Nope, I’m fine. Nothing to worry about, Yas”

She sat down next to me, taking my hand in hers, stroking it lightly with her thumb “please talk to me, Robbe” she whispered “I know you’re bottling things up”

I shook my head almost vigorously “No, I’m not. I would talk to you if there was something bothering me… but there isn’t”

She continued to hold my hand, giving it a light squeeze. We had always been so good at unspoken communication. Now it seemed like I couldn’t even do that.

I moved my hand away, folding them both in my lap away from reach and slid down, covering myself with the blanket.

“Do you remember when you had the flu that one time? What were we… eight?” she asked quietly.

She waited for a reply, or at least some acknowledgment that I heard her, but I kept still where I was laid.

“You kept trying to come to school because you didn’t want to miss anything… even that young you were such a nerd, well we both were” she scoffed, “Do you remember what I did?”

I did remember. She copied out all her notes twice and gave me some so that I wouldn’t fall behind and when she learnt that I was too unwell to do my homework, she did it for me. She said she didn’t want me to get in trouble.

Most evenings that week I had heard her come to the door, wanting to come up and lay with me, hug me until I felt better. Obviously, my mum did not let her, she would only have ended up getting sick too. Oddly, Yasmina never mentioned it to me though. I never knew if she knows I heard her.

“Or” she continued “when people started to make fun of me at school, you stood up for me in front of everyone. You gave that big announcement about how smart and beautiful and kind I was… it meant a lot. You knew I was hurting even when I didn’t tell you. And the cute little notes you slipped into my bag and books, telling be to have a great day or that you loved my smile…” She was silent for a moment, before saying “And with Philip-”

“Why are you saying all of this Yasmina?” I asked, the sound muffled into the pillow 

“What I’m trying to say is, we have always been there for each other. We support each other through everything and as much as you want to try and hide it right now, I know that you’re in pain…”

Yasmina waited a moment before she began to retreat out of my room. She only paused when she was in the doorway.

“I know you, Robbe” she said “and I love you… so, when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be here”

She hovered for a while, even after I had burrowed myself under my covers. But she left eventually, shutting the door behind her quietly. As soon as she was gone, I wanted to call her back. But I didn’t. I just stayed by myself, alone in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry *runs away* 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me on this fic though! :)


	4. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is kind of short and dialogue heavy. I just needed a bit of a filler to build up to something... 
> 
> Hope you enjoy it anyway :)

I had been moping around all week and Senne was getting sick of it.

“Come on, Sander” he moaned, when he saw me laid out on the sofa “the guy has a boyfriend. Move on. It’s not like you really knew him anyway”

He was right. I didn’t know Robbe, but I wanted to so desperately. I had let my mind get carried away and imagine all the things I would do with him if he was my boyfriend. Coming home at the end of a long day and just the sight of his face making everything better. Texting him every morning and every night just so that he would know I was thinking of him. Going dancing with him and seeing his endearing moves again.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Seeing the colours his eyes go when the he steps out into the sunshine” Senne said in a mocking tone “Oh, I just want to see him running through a field of flowers and I’ll pick one and put it behind his ear, telling him that not even the prettiest flower could compare to his beauty”

I blushed slightly when I realised, I had been talking out loud. It didn’t take me too long to get over the awkwardness though, it’s not like they weren’t things I hadn’t said before.

“I never said we would run through a field of flowers, idiot” I mumbled “I said, a meadow. I have too much respect for the flowers to trample all over them”

He sighed “Well, I hate to trample all over _you_ , but he’s gonna be doing all of that with someone else…”

“I know that” I said, hugging my knees to my chest “I wish it were me though”

He came and sat next to me, putting an arm around my shoulder “I hate seeing you like this” he said “why don’t we go out tonight? Try and forget all about this guy”

I knew that one night out in town wasn’t going to make me forget Robbe, but if I said no then Senne would only keep pestering. That is the only reason I agreed.

“Fine, I’ll come out with you” I told him begrudgingly “I have to go to work later, shall I see if Noor and Moyo want to come?”

“Definitely, those guys are chill. Should be fun hanging out with them” Senne agreed “If they want to, they can come here for drinks before we leave”

“Plus, seeing Moyo pining after Noor is always a guaranteed amusement. If that doesn’t distract me, not much will” I added, snorting

“Let me get this straight… _you_ are making fun of someone for pining?”

I jabbed him in the side, laughing “shut up, idiot… can you let go of me now?”

He looked at his watch, contemplating his answer “you still have a while before you need to leave. So, no”

I grumbled as he pulled me right on top of him, hugging me close “let me go, Senne”

“Shh, Sander” he squeezed me tight, rubbing my back slowly “You’re in desperate need of cuddles right now. It would be irresponsible of me to deprive you of them” 

I couldn’t think of a retort, so I let him hug me until I left for work. Senne rarely ever gave hugs, the usual for him was a fist bump. It was surprisingly comforting to be this close to him. I hadn’t been this much affection from someone for a long time.

***

“Who’s up for partying tonight?” I asked as soon as I got into the tattoo parlour

Noor and Moyo looked up from the drawings in front of them, smiling at me widely.

“Someone’s doing better!” Noor said happily

“Eh, not really” I replied, “but that’s why Senne and I are going to drink at ours and head out for the night – want to join?”

Moyo nodded immediately “Count me in! I need to de-stress after the day I’ve had”

Noor looked at him in disbelief “Are you serious right now? You have had one client!”

“And it was very stressful” he replied defensively

She rolled her eyes, laughing “Sure, it was”

“Noooor? Can you come tonight?” I pleaded “It would be so much fun if you could hang out with us…”

She shook her head “Sorry sweetie, no can do. I already promised Amber that I would go hang out with her and some of her friends tonight… you three are welcome to come with me?”

I could see Moyo grimace out of the corner of my eye “Don’t do it, those girls up there are such party killers…”

I looked at Noor “Firstly, I can’t believe you’re going to see Amber without me. That’s so mean” I pouted, sticking my bottom lip out as far as it would go “I hope you see how upset this makes me”

She giggled and told me to stop being such a baby. Which was rich coming from her seeing as she is the one who babies me constantly. She’s definitely the mum friend, a fact I remind her of constantly.

I then turned to Moyo “Second, the girls are fun to hang out with. You just can’t stand that none of them want to hook up with you” I put my hand up, earning an instant high five from Noor. “I think us guys will stick to the original plan though; you have fun with Amber”

She grinned “I will! I am so excited to meet her friends, they seem super cool. Not sure exactly what we’re doing, but whatever it is should turn out great. You have fun with the guys – but don’t get too drunk, you know how you both get the morning after”

“Sure, Mum. Will do” I said, earning a punch on my arm.

“Terribly sorry for caring about your wellbeing” she said

Moyo raised an eyebrow “Are you sure it’s that? I seem to recall you mentioning something about hating all the calls you get when he’s hungover”

I gasped dramatically, clutching my chest in horror “you said you loved my morning calls”

“Excuse me for not enjoying talking to two grumpy boys, who are probably still half drunk, when I’m still half asleep myself” she said “but that’s how you know I’m a great friend because have I ever declined a call from you? Um, NO!”

“Fine, fine. Best friend ever and all that” I said

Even though I wouldn’t have Noor, it was still going to be a great time. I could try and erase the image of Robbe and his boyfriend from my mind. Even just for one night. If I drunk enough alcohol, maybe I would be able to do it.

***

Moyo and I arrived back at my flat to see Senne laying out beers on the table.

“What’s up Moyo?” he greeted when he saw us “No Noor?”

“Nah, she had better things to do with her night apparently” Moyo grumbled

I guess this night was about forgetting people for more than one of us tonight.

Senne looked at me questioningly

“She’s heading out to meet Amber and her friends”

“Didn’t feel like joining them?” he smirked

“I had plans with you, didn’t I? Could hardly bail, you’d be so crushed”

He placed his hand on his chest “would’ve broken me… you gonna break my heart, Covey?” he asked jokingly

Moyo stared at him in shock “You’ve seen To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before?”

Senne snickered “Yeah, me and Sander had a movie night the other week. We decided to watch all the teen romcoms we could find. It was… and interesting night”

“That’s so lame” he snorted “only little girls watch those movies”

I looked at Moyo sceptically for a moment “hang on… how do you know where the quote is from then?”

He gave me a sheepish look, hesitating for a minute before spilling it all. “Noor kept mentioning things about it and I got curious… So, I went and watched it. And… I didn’t hate it”

It was weird, I didn’t think secrets would be spilled until we had started drinking. None of us had even started yet and things were already coming out.

“So where are we heading tonight then?” I asked Senne

“I heard there is this great club about half an hour away… I know we could just go down the street, but where is the fun in that?”

“Ok, then” I shrugged, picking up a beer “sounds like a plan”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for it being short, things will get longer again from next chapter hopefully


	5. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand another chapter is here! 
> 
> I'm sorry if there are plot holes in this fic. I am trying to make sure there aren't but just a disclaimer :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy it

Amber was due to arrive with her friend any moment. Zoë and Yasmine had been excited for it all day, it was starting to get kind of exhausting and the night hadn’t even begun.

The girls had put music on in the kitchen and constantly tried to get me to dance with them. I was doing my best to resist them, but my resolve was weakening, maybe from the alcohol.

“Are you excited about tonight, Robbe?” Zoë squealed

“I would be if I had known it was happening” I told her warily “you only told me yesterday that someone was coming over”

“Ha, oops. Sorry!” she giggled

Yasmina shook her head at her fondly “Yeah, sorry about that Robbe” she said to me apologetically “she kept telling me she would do it. If I’d known it would take so long, I would have told you myself. Was Jens ok coming on short notice?”

“Yeah, you know him. He gravitates to wherever the alcohol is” Zoë laughed

“He said he’d come over later” I told her “I think he is having dinner with his parents tonight or something”

There was a knock at the door and Zoë rushed to answer it. It only took a few seconds before more screaming erupted.

“Um, Yas?”

She looked over at me “yeah?”

I brought my hand up to my nose, rubbing it a few times nervously “I just… I just wanted to apologise for the other day. It was rude of me to just ignore you like that, especially when you were saying all those lovely things… I hope I didn’t make you feel bad”

The way I had treated her before was just confirming all the terrible things that I thought about myself. I always do this. I push people so far that they don’t come back. I had been stressed for days, wondering if I had done it again with Yasmina.

She walked over and wrapped her arms around me briefly before pulling away and giving me a small smile “You should not be worrying about me, Robbe. I’m fine. Just think about what’s going on in here” she said, giving my head a gentle tap with her finger “my offer still stands, talk to me whenever you feel like it – day or night. You know where I live”

I tried to return her smile as best I could. It was not a very convincing attempt.

Zoë returned with Amber and a very pretty girl with a black bob following behind her.

“This is Noor” Amber introduced as she waved, giving us all a warm smile “Noor, this is Yasmina and Robbe”

I was surprised when her gaze lingered on me “Robbe…?”

“That’s me, yeah” I said, growing increasingly more uncomfortable

She must have sensed my discomfort as she backtracked a bit “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be weird. It’s just that, someone I know has mentioned you before.” She turned her attention away from me and addressed the others “It’s nice to meet you all anyway!”

“It’s nice to meet you too!” Yasmina replied “Amber has told us so much about you”

She laughed “Only good things I hope”

Yasmina grimaced “Well… there were a few things that-”

“Don’t scare the poor girl off!” Zoë interjected “she’s just kidding, Amber has done nothing but speak highly of you and Sander”

My head snapped up at the mention of his name. They knew Sander? _Zoë_ knew him?

“How about we go chill in the other room?” Yasmina suggested

Amber nodded “great idea! There is more space in there anyway”

“Yes please, my feet feel like they are about to fall off” Noor said, following her and Amber through to the living room

I was going to make my way through too when Zoë stopped me.

“Robbe, wait! I just wanted to say… I did not know Sander before. I mean – I did, but I had never met him. Amber has mentioned him and Noor before, that’s all. I didn’t say anything when you spoke about him because I didn’t think it was important…”

“Ok?”

“You’re not mad or anything?”

“Why would I get mad about that?”

She shrugged, averting her eyes “It’s just, you’ve been a bit… you just…”

I could tell she was nervous, and I knew it was because of me. She had been walking on eggshells for a while, not wanting to make me angry or upset. I felt guilty about it, I knew it was affecting our life at home. The flat was always quieter instead of being filled up with our steady conversation.

I could feel her slipping away from me slowly. It was like she was a boat that I forgot to tie to the dock, so she was gradually being dragged out to the sea. 

“You don’t need to worry about me, Zoë” I said “not telling me about someone bringing up a name in conversation once or twice is not a betrayal” 

“Yeah but-”

“Nothing happened with Sander anyway, you don’t need to act weird about him. He is just a random guy”

He was anything but a random guy to me, he was a constant thought in my mind, but I didn’t want to burden her with anymore of my struggles. I just wanted to get over him, he clearly did not want anything to do with me considering how things ended last time. If I just pretended that he meant nothing to me then maybe one day, it might be true.

***

We were all sat in the living room, everyone sharing their own crazy stories. Well, they claimed to be but none of them exactly live on the edge. They were mainly telling parts of things they did while they were drunk, looking to Yasmina to fill in any gaps in their memory.

I zoned out after a while, suddenly finding the label on my bottle very interesting.

It was only when Noor started telling her story that I fully began to listen.

“We were riding through the town on Sander’s motorbike” Noor explained “We had been bored as hell, lounging around my house. He just suddenly dragged me up and told me we were going somewhere”

I saw Zoë look at me anxiously at the mention of Sander’s name. I chose not to look back at her, focussing on the story instead.

“We eventually stop at this place and – this is where it gets crazy – Sander picks the lock on the door and breaks us in to the swimming pool!”

“No way!” Zoë gasps “Did you go swimming?”

“Of course!” Noor laughs “After all of that we weren’t just going to look at it. We swam around for a while, had a competition to see who could hold their breath underwater for the longest. I won, but he would tell you a different answer”

“He sounds like a pretty cool guy” I heard myself say

All of them turned their heads to look at me, somewhat surprised that I had finally decided to say something.

“He is” Noor smiled “I would never tell him that though”

Most of my dreams since I met Sander had been about him. All I wanted to do was ask Noor about him, get her to tell me more stories, find out more about the type of guy he was.

Instead, I just nodded.

“Your turn to tell a story then, Robbe” Amber prompted me

The last thing I wanted to do was tell these people about myself. It is always so humiliating being put on the spot. Having everyone stare at you. Judging you. 

“I really don’t…”

She rolled her eyes “Don’t give me that, IJzermans” she said, slightly slurring her words. She always was a lightweight “you must have something! What about those pictures from years ago, the ones where you have that awful haircut… there must be a story behind that?”

I knew the pictures she was talking about. After I had cut my hair myself, Philip had taken some pictures and posted them on my Instagram. The comments were all him and his friends laughing about how ugly I looked. I had since deleted the account but the memories of it were still burned into my brain.

I was about to shake my head and protest again when Yasmina jumped in.

“Oh, Robbe, my drink has run out. Could you get me another one?”

I looked at her in relief “yeah, sure. Diet coke again?”

She nodded and I made my exit from the room before anyone could ask me any more questions.

While I was in the kitchen, pouring out another drink for Yasmina, I heard someone come in behind me.

“Hey” Noor said softly “I just wanted to apologise for earlier… you seemed really uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention at all”

I turned to look at her, seeing the guilt all over her face “No, it’s totally fine, don’t worry about it. It just… took me my surprise, that’s all. I get kind of weird when people talk about me”

All I heard for a long time was whispering behind my back. The constant hum of conversation that stopped abruptly when I walked in. People muttering my name with an almost disgusted expression on their face.

“It was nothing bad, I promise!” she rushed to say “Sander was just telling me about what a good hairdresser you are. I have to agree with him, you did a great job”

 _Sander_ told her about me? I assumed it was Amber that had been saying things, she always had been a bit of a gossip.

I didn’t let myself think too much into it, though. Noor said it herself, that was all he told her about. My hairdressing skills. It would have been foolish of me to think he would tell her anything else. I needed to remember that was all he saw me as, just some guy who did his hair.

“Thanks” I said to her, going back to the drinks

“So, is your boyfriend not hanging out with us tonight?” she asked me

My head snapped up to look at her “My what?” I asked, taken aback “I don’t have – who told you I had a boyfriend?”

Noor seemed just as confused as me “Oh… sorry, it’s just that Sander said something about seeing you hugging some guy when you were working”

“He told you that? Who would…?”

 _Jens_ I thought bitterly. He had seen Jens hugging me and heard him calling me that stupid nickname.

“That was my best friend, Jens. He is the co-owner of the hairdressers. There is absolutely nothing going on between us, at all” I explained to her “with anyone, actually”

“That makes more sense” she muttered “Oh! Not that you wouldn’t be able to get a boyfriend, you seem great” she said hurriedly afterwards

I wasn’t really sure what to say so I just shrugged. She would not have been wrong; I can’t get a boyfriend. At least one that sticks around anyway. I haven’t had a long-term relationship for years. Everyone just seems to get tired of me and leaves. Maybe I am just too annoying… that would seem like a logical explanation.

I picked up the drink for Yasmina and began walking back to the group.

“You know, he was really upset when he thought you were dating someone” Noor blurted out

I didn’t want to stick around for her to play mind games with me. There was no way that someone as handsome and confident as Sander would even think twice about me. I was just some guy that cut his hair. That is all.

So, I just mutter a quick “sure” and walked away.

It was not doing my brain any good trying to think about what it would be like to date Sander. It was never going to happen. I needed to accept that and move on, the sooner the better.

I sunk back into the chair I was in before, picking up my beer and gulping it down quickly.

“Don’t you think you should slow down, Robbe?” Yasmina asked me quietly. I could tell that she was concerned but I did not need her telling me what to do right now.

“It’s just a couple of drinks, no need to worry about me, Yas”

She sat back, still eyeing me warily but didn’t say anything further.

“Hey, would you mind if I took a selfie of all of us?” Noor asked, not addressing anyone in particular

All the girls agreed and gathered around to get in the shot. I just curled up more in my chair, trying to cover as much of my face as possible. Getting up and walking out of the room would cause too much attention to be pulled towards me and it would probably annoy everyone. It was better to just try and hide myself as best I could.

I never used to care about having my picture taken. Yasmina is a photographer, she loves taking pictures of everyone. When we were younger, she used to constantly use me for her pictures, taking me to different locations and model for her, so she could gain some experience. It was so much fun. We would leave early in the morning and often stay out for so long that we almost missed dinner completely.

It was only after everything happened that I cringed when a phone was so much as pointed in my direction. I hated the feeling of knowing people had snapshots of my life, could use them to find out all my flaws.

Yasmina tried getting me to model a few times again but I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. I know she would never post them without my consent but just the idea of them makes me feel nauseous.

“Robbe?” I realised Zoë had been talking to me “You ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, jut zoned out for a bit. Must be the alcohol” I said, forcing a smile

They all laughed, calling me a lightweight.

“You sure you’re ok though?” Zoë asked

“Yep, I’m fine”

I’m fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... they aren't going to a party...? 🤔


	6. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow ok so this is the longest chapter... I may have gotten a little carried away 
> 
> It might be a bit of a mess so I apologise if it seems all over the place. I tried to get it to make sense 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

We hadn’t even left the house when I got the message from Noor. I had accepted the fact that we weren’t going to the club anymore. Not that I was complaining, it did not really sound like a lot of fun anyway. Senne and Moyo would tell you it was because we were too busy drinking when really, we got too carried away with our teen romcom debate. It got surprisingly heated. Never try and change Moyo’s views on that subject because it will not go well.

“Oh. My. God” I said once I saw the message

“What?” they questioned

I showed them the picture she had sent me, pointing at it dramatically “do you see that?”

“All I see is Noor…” Moyo said, clearly too intoxicated to focus on anything else

Senne looked at me, puzzled “I see a selfie of a bunch of girls…? We already knew Noor was going out, why is that a shock for you?”

“No, in the back” I said, zooming in “curled up on the chair. It’s Robbe!”

“Are you sure?” Senne asked, still sceptical “His face is half covered up, how are you sure it’s him?”

I had been dreaming about this boy for months. I could draw any part of him in detail, just from memory alone. Recognising him in a picture was no struggle in the slightest, especially when his adorable curls were visible.

Senne would only tease me mercilessly if I explained that, though. So, I went with the easier option.

“See that girl there? Next to Amber?”

He looked closer, smiling “Yeah, she’s gorgeous”

“Not the point but ok… Her name is Zoë, she is the one who bleached my hair. When we were talking, she said she was roommates with Robbe”

Senne shrugged, leaning back into his seat again “Ok… so?”

I got up, staggering slightly “So? We’re going there!”

I thew the guy’s jackets at them, yelling at them to hurry up.

“Moyo, turn off The Kissing Booth, we’re leaving”

“We can’t just invite ourselves over to a stranger’s house, Sander” Senne said “Plus, I hate to remind you of this fact again. He has a boyfriend, who might even be there. Just because he is not in the picture, doesn’t mean he isn’t with them” 

“Well technically we were invited, but I turned her down. So, we aren’t really inviting ourselves”

He glared at me “You’re really going to ignore half of what I said? This night was supposed to help you forget about Robbe! How are you going to do that when he is sat right in front of you?”

I knew that he meant well but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to go and see him. The alcohol was doing wonders for my impulse control and it seemed like a great idea.

“Senne, please” I have him my best puppy eyes “I don’t care if Robbe doesn’t want to be with me, but maybe we could be friends?”

I did care. I cared more than I would ever dare to admit. Most people would think it was odd how much I wanted to be with this boy, considering we had only talked a total of two times. They were not even deep conversations, just bordering on awkward small talk and a friendly chat.

I don’t even fully understand why I want him so much either, there was so much we don’t know about each other. All I really knew was there was a pull between us, a bit like a magnet. Every time I walked away from him the urge to go back just got stronger and stronger. Soon it would be too much to bear.

Even if Robbe and I became friends, and that was all. I would feel better about that than trying to force myself to forget him.

“Also, it seems much more fun to be over there than here, watching kids’ movies” I added

“They are for preteens at the earliest!” Moyo yelled indignantly

“For the love of God, turn it off!” I shouted back “We are going out”

He hurled all sorts of abuse at me when I marched over and switched it off with the remote, telling me how it was just getting to the good part. I had to disagree, there were no good parts in that movie.

Senne still didn’t look one hundred percent on board with my plan but he was putting on his shoes and going with it anyway.

This was my chance to finally talk to him without having to do anything ridiculous to my hair again. Also, due to the added effects of alcohol, both of us should be more talkative and confident. It is perfect.

Once we were all sat on the tram, I phoned Noor, letting her know we were coming over after all.

“Yeah, I thought you might after that text” she laughed “I’ll see you soon sweetie”

***

Zoë opened the door, her smile spreading across her face when she saw me.

“Sander!” she squealed, embracing me tightly “I was so happy when Noor and Amber told me you were coming”

I squeezed her back “glad we could make it, it’s so good to see you again”

She leant back, looking at my hair “It looks so good on you, sorry I wasn’t there for the big reveal…”

Her smirk once again revealed that she was not

“These are my friends, Senne and Moyo” I introduced

“So lovely to meet you both, now come in! We’re just sat in the living room, chilling” she ushered us in to the flat “Feel free to grab some drinks from the kitchen”

As soon as we walked into the room, I had just enough time to scan the room before Amber and Noor ambushed us with hugs. It was kind of a relief when I saw that Jens wasn’t there. 

I tried to focus on what the girls were saying but all I could think about was Robbe. He had relocated from the chair he was sat on in the picture, instead he was practically laying over a girl. His head was in her lap and it looked like he was rambling a bunch of nonsense because her eyes would not stop rolling.

Amber must have seen me looking over “Ah, yeah. That’s just Robbe” she said rolling her eyes “he is kind of annoying but very loveable… you two should get along”

I tore my eyes away from him, in favour of looking at Amber “I’m not sure whether I should take that as a compliment or not…” I said cautiously

She just shrugged, telling me to take it how I will before turning to Senne, twisting her hair around her finger and laughing flirtatiously. She was so obvious sometimes, but I still loved her.

“So, you changed your mind?” Noor slurred; she was trying to whisper but failing miserably “Wonder why…”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“Speaking of… him…” she winked “we had an interesting conversation earlier that I think might be helpful to you”

“About what?” I asked

She tapped her finger on her lips in contemplation before shrugging “I cannot say, sorry. It would be a betrayal. Hairdresser – customer confidentiality and all that”

“That isn’t a thing, and you were not even his customer” I chuckled as she swayed back and forth “Wow, and you told _me_ not to drink too much, hypocrite”

“Either way, you’ll have to talk to him and find out… Have fun!” she grinned before sauntering away. At least, I am assuming that is what she was trying to do. It looked more like Bambi on ice.

I turned my head back over to where Robbe was still lying on the girl. I took a deep breath, trying to muster up the courage, before I walked over and sat down next to them. The girl looked up, giving me a warm smile. Robbe did not acknowledge my presence though, too busy playing with the strings on her hoodie. My heart fluttered at his quirkiness. 

“Hey, I’m Sander” I said, giving her an awkward wave

She smiled widely “Oh, _you’re_ Sander! It is great to finally meet you. I’m Yasmina”

I had to wonder who had told her about me. Had it been Robbe? Probably not. Unless he tells her about every single customer that comes into the shop. I almost certainly did not stand out to him at all. It was more likely Amber that had been mentioning me and Noor. 

He was continuing to babble from Yasmina’s lap, demanding for her to stroke his hair again.

“He gets very clingy when he’s drunk, just in case you couldn’t tell already” she said, looking down at him fondly “It does make a nice change from the grumpiness, but he just does not. Let. Go” every word punctuated with a light tap on his nose.

He scrunched up his face, giggling, curling up even closer to her. I wished so much that I could swap places with her, card my hands through his curls, hold him tightly against me in my arms.

“Such a baby” she cooed at him, ruffling his hair lightly “Or a cat… I can’t decide which is more accurate. Moody but wants attention and plays with string… sounds like a cat to me”

“Shut up” he mumbled, poking her

Yasmina looked up me “you see what I have to deal with?” she stared back down at him “Robbe I need to stretch my legs; can I go?”

He mewled in protest but sat up straight, letting her get up. He sat there with a sad expression after she had walked away, frowning at the beer in his hand. My heart could not handle this level of cuteness. His boyfriend must have to carry around a heart defibrillator daily.

“You ok there?” I asked and his head snapped up to look at me, his shocked expression indicating that he hadn’t realised I was there at all.

“Um… hi” he said shyly “I’m good… I’ve just had a lot of alcohol” he flopped back against the sofa, drinking more “So, what are you doing here?”

“Amber invited us… us being me and my two friends” I said, gesturing towards them. Robbe made no effort to look around, staring at me instead.

“Ok” he tried to take another sip before realising it was empty “Damn it”

He stood up tentatively and tried to walk a few steps, to the kitchen for another drink I’m assuming, before he tripped over his own feet. He fell right on top of me, his face inches from mine.

“Are you ok?” I whispered, doing everything in my power not to wrap my arms around him and bring him closer towards me

He sat there on top of me staring, bewildered “Yeah… yes… I…”

I moved my hands to his waist, trying to help him get up when I heard him take a sharp intake of breath.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

He nodded “Yep, all good. All fine. Everything is fine”

Robbe made no attempt to try and move off me, staying seated in my lap, staring at me with his sparkling brown eyes. That is until Yasmina came back over.

“You move on quick” she joked “I thought I was your cuddle buddy?”

He shook himself out of the daze he was in, rolling off me immediately “I tripped” he mumbled “Just gonna get another drink…”

He shuffled away to the kitchen. I followed him with my eyes, making sure he didn’t fall over again on the way there.

I tore my eyes away from the doorway Robbe disappeared through, facing Yasmina

“Is he ok?”

She chuckled “He’s fine, just drunk way too much. It’s the usual for him, he thinks he can handle it”

A loud knock came from the front door

“Ah, that must be Jens” I heard Yasmina say “You might have met him at the hairdressers?”

I nodded, trying to fix a smile on my face “Yeah… I saw him briefly”

Of course, he would be here. I let myself get my hopes up but, in the end, it was always going to be this way. Robbe was going to be right in front of me the whole night, clinging to his boyfriend.

Robbe must have gone to open the door because they both walked back in. They didn’t look very happy though. Robbe was marching in front of him, a frown on his face while Jens rushed after him. It looked like he was trying to talk to him.

“Look, I’m sorry” I heard him say “I didn’t mean to ruin anything”

They went over the other side of the room, so I couldn’t hear the rest on the conversation. They stood opposite each other, Jens trying to reach out to him and getting hit lightly whenever he did.

“Those two are like an old married couple” I heard Zoë snigger beside me

Yasmina snorted “They sure do bicker like one”

“They’re cute” I managed to get out, trying to smile

“They really are” Zoë laughed “as long as I’ve known them, they have always been adorable. Always squabbling like schoolchildren until they kiss and make up about two minutes later” 

The thought of those two kissing was still like a knife in my heart. I wanted it to be me so desperately, even though I knew it could never happen. From the way the girls were talking, Robbe and Jens had known each other for quite a while. There was no way anyone could come between that.

“So… how long have they been together?” I asked. I don’t know why I did. It was only going to hurt me.

“Um… they have been working together for years” Yasmina told me “they met at their hairdressing apprenticeship when they were about eighteen”

“Yeah, but… how long have they been _together_?”

They both looked at me with puzzled expressions

“What do you mean?” Zoë asked

“Wait, do you think they are-”

Someone bounded over and slumped into the space next to Yasmina, cutting her off.

“Hey!” Jens said happily “Sorry I was a bit late, family plans. Did Robbe tell you?”

“Yeah, he did” Zoë said “what was all that about just now, anyway? Is everything ok?”

He nodded, smiling “Of course, everything is fine. You know Robbe, always getting worked up about things. It’s honestly nothing major, things are all sorted now… at least, they will be soon” Jens looked across at me, smirking “Sander, it is great to see you again! Maybe this time we can have a proper conversation”

He reached out his hand for me to shake. Although I wanted to shove it out the way and walk off, I used my inner restraint and shook it. I even smiled at him, trying my best to make it look as genuine as possible.

“It’s good to see you again, too” I said

Zoë grabbed Yasmina’s hand and pulled her up

“Come on, let’s go talk to the other’s, you’ve been sat here almost the entire time!”

“Yeah sure” she replied, allowing herself to be dragged over to Noor. 

I desperately didn’t want them to leave me alone with Jens. It was taking all of my strength to sit here with him and be polite. He was probably a very nice guy but all I could do when I looked at him was think about how he had taken the guy I had been dreaming about.

I knew that it was unfair of me to dislike him so much, but I couldn’t help it. My jealousy was steadily building and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was just a constant weight on my chest, getting heavier by the second.

“So…” Jens said, still smiling. Why did he have to seem so nice? Couldn’t he just be mean to me? I needed a real reason not to like him. “I didn’t even know you were coming tonight; it was such a pleasant surprise! Are you enjoying the party?”

“Yeah, um… It was a last-minute decision” I said “But I’m enjoying it… It’s nice to hang out with everyone”

“Uh huh… and is there anyone in particular that you wanted to hang out with?” he asked, raising his eyebrows

I was very confused by his question. Surely he couldn’t know about my crush on his boyfriend. How could he? He wouldn’t have been able to figure it out from our short conversation. He hadn’t talked to my friends either, so even in their drunken states, they hadn’t said anything.

“No?” I decided to reply. It was best to deny everything and avoid an even more awkward conversation than the one we were currently having “I just thought it would be fun to meet Amber’s friends”

Jens nodded “Ah ok. I didn’t mean it to be weird… It’s just that I know you’ve met Robbe a couple of times and maybe he invited you or something”

I wished he had invited me. I would have burst from happiness to have him go out of his way to try and see me again. It was never going to happen though.

“He is so funny when he’s drunk” Jens continued “Always going over and hugging people, clinging onto them like a little monkey. It’s so cute. Have you seen him do it yet? He is honestly one of the most adorable drunk people you will ever see, trust me”

“Well obviously you would think he’s the most adorable” I said slightly bitterly

He laughed a little “I didn’t think it was true”

I looked at him, confused “What?”

“I really think you have the wrong idea” he said to me “I wasn’t going to say anything because I thought for sure Robbe had the wrong end of the stick but-”

As if he was being conjured, Robbe came and flopped down on the sofa between us, resting his head on Jen’s shoulder.

“Hey, honey” Jens said softly, abandoning his previous sentence “You doing ok?”

Robbe nodded, closing his eyes and curling up into his side.

This was my worst nightmare. Robbe and Jens were practically on top of me, shoving their love right in my face. I wanted to get out of there, away from them but I couldn’t drag myself away from Robbe. As stupid as it sounded, I didn’t want to leave him. He was literally curled on top of his boyfriend I was the idiot still pining for him.

I could see Senne looking at me from across the room. There was so much pity in his eyes that I had to look away. I didn’t want him to be right. He had warned me about coming here but I didn’t listen. I should have. Maybe I would have been slightly less heartbroken than I am right now.

“Sander” Jens said, trying to get my attention “I know this looks a bit weird but trust me-”

“It’s not weird at all” I said, mustering up a smile “Why would it be weird?”

“Because we aren’t-”

Zoë called Jens over to the other side of the room, wanting to talk to him.

_Is there some sort of curse on this sofa that doesn’t let people finish their sentences?_ I thought. It was getting ridiculous. All I wanted was one person to finish their sentence. Just one. Was that so much to ask for?

“Jens, where are you going?” I heard Robbe mumble when he tried to get up

“Just going to talk to some other people, honey” he said softly, running a hand through his hair a couple of times “Sander is here, you can talk to him”

He walked away before Robbe had time to protest. I had no idea how he could do that. He got up and left him so easily. I’m not even dating Robbe and I have a hard time dragging myself away from him.

I looked at Robbe, watching the way he curled up into a ball. He hugged his legs tightly, bringing them close to him. It seemed like he wanted to disappear. Unfortunately for him, he could never ne invisible to me.

“Are you alright?” I asked

He turned his head to me and hesitantly met my eyes “I’m fine. Just a little tired” he murmured “I don’t want to seem like a buzzkill for sitting here and not joining in though…”

“You won’t be” I told him “But if you want… I could sit here with you, keep you company”

He hesitated for a second “You don’t have to do that. You came here to party”

If only he knew what I came here for.

“I really don’t mind” I said, smiling genuinely

Robbe didn’t say anything back but he didn’t protest either. He only leant his head back and drank some more of the beer he was holding.

I was very aware of the distance between us. It took all of my willpower not to close it. His boyfriend was right on the other side of the room, I didn’t want to start a drama.

I meant what I said though. I would sit here with him forever if he allowed me to.

***

Everyone was sprawled out across the living room, fast asleep. They had milled around for the majority of the evening just talking and drinking. Nobody seemed to mind that Robbe and I sat out for most of it. In fact, I could have sworn I saw them smiling fondly from time to time. Maybe they were just admiring Robbe in his sleepy state. I know I was.

Towards the end people had started to get tired and we didn’t want to get the tram home, so Yasmina told us we were welcome to stay the night. All of us ended up crashing out on the floor or the available chairs. Even the girls that lived here had decided to stay instead of making their way to their beds.

I looked down beside me at Robbe. His face was squashed against the pillow and his cheeks and his cheeks were tinted with pink. All I wanted to do was reach out and comb my fingers through his hair.

Throughout the night he had subtly edged closer towards me. Now we were almost touching. If I moved a fraction to the right, our arms would brush against each other. Despite that, it seemed like he was holding himself back from something. He seemed very tense, unlike earlier when he was relaxed with Yasmina and Jens. I wondered if it was because he wanted someone to hold but couldn’t.

Maybe he wanted to ask me but felt embarrassed? That might just be me projecting though. I really wanted to hold him, make him feel safe. Try and relieve the tension in those small shoulders of his.

“You’re staring” he mumbled, startling me slightly 

“And what if I am?” I whispered, trying to play it cool

He didn’t reply. Instead he twisted around, laying his head on my shoulder and snuggling slightly into my neck. His movements were hesitant and slow, as if he was telling me I could stop him. As if I would. I hardly dared to move a muscle, not wanting to scare him away.

“Is this ok?” he asked me cautiously

I wanted to wrap my arms around him but restrained myself, breathing out an “of course” instead.

“You smell of mangoes…” he mumbled into my neck, lips brushing my skin. It took everything in me to hold back my shivers. “it’s nice, very fruity”

“Thanks, I think Senne bought it actually” I said, trying to keep my voice from shaking

He breathed out a laugh, such a sweet sound “Ah yes, bad boys can’t buy fruity things”

“Bad boys still need their five a day” I retorted

I could feel his smile “you wouldn’t know though”

“Meaning?”

“Underneath all the tattoos and leather, you’re a big softie”

I gasped “Oh no, you figured it out”

He put his arm around me and traced my tattoos with his finger, his touch feather – light “I really like them… will you tell me what they mean?”

I tried to listen to what he was saying instead of getting lost in the feeling of his fingers on my skin.

“Maybe one day…” I said softly “You should get one, if you like them so much”

“Maybe one day…” he repeated back to me, snuggling closer

_This doesn’t mean anything._ I repeated to myself, _He is not into you. He has a boyfriend. He is just a clingy drunk and I am the only one awake._

“I should probably go to bed… I do not really want to fall asleep on the sofa” he said eventually

He didn’t make any move to leave the room. Not even lifting his head from its place on my shoulder.

“Are you going to go then?” I asked, chuckling softly

“I guess…” he said, tilting his head up to look at me with half lidded eyes “Could you carry me?”

I hesitated for a moment, but I didn’t want to imagine the sad expression that would fall on his face if I did. I wanted to do everything I could to keep seeing that beautiful smile.

I nodded and scooped him up easily, carrying him bridal style to his room. He wrapped his arms around my neck, gripping me tightly as he rested his head on my shoulder, curls tickling me.

When I laid him down, he held onto me with a death grip, refusing to let go.

“Stay” he whispered

I shook my head, trying – but ultimately failing – to prize his hands from my arm.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Robbe”

He pouted “Why?”

It took everything in me not to give in. Not to lay on the bed and wrap him up in my arms, cradling him until he fell asleep.

“Your boyfriend probably wouldn’t like it much if he knew you had another guy in your bed…”

He smiled sleepily “I thought someone would have said something by now” he mumbled “I don’t have a boyfriend… Jens is just a friend”

Robbe didn’t have a boyfriend? He was single? And asking me to lay with him?

He took my distracted daze as an opportunity to pull me down next to him, immediately wrapping himself around me and resting his head on my chest.

There was nothing I wanted more than to lay with him, but Robbe was clearly hammered. What if he sees me in the morning and feels embarrassed? That would do no good for either of us.

“Sander… sleep” he whispered

I hesitantly put my arm around him and rested my hand on the soft fabric of his hoodie, rubbing the slightly bobbling cotton with my thumb. He sighed happily and relaxed fully in my arms, whispering goodnight.

Robbe’s breath eventually slowed and he made these adorable snuffling sounds, indicating that he had fallen asleep. I let myself be lulled to sleep from them, forgetting everything else and dreaming only of the gorgeous boy laying with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, things seem to be looking up... 
> 
> (Just a little note: I didn't want to add too much to this chapter because it was already quite long and it was going to seem too dragged out and boring otherwise. If Robbe seems too rushed into being confident and comfortable at the end, just remember that 1) they had been sat together all night drinking together and 2) it isn't his pov so we don't know what is going through his head at that moment.   
> I'm sorry if this is too over explained, I'm just very nervous about it haha)


	7. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! 
> 
> I'm still not 100% happy with this chapter but I have spent enough time staring at it instead of editing, so here you go haha 
> 
> Hope you enjoy! :)

When I woke up there was nobody beside me. Sander was gone. It was as if I had imagined the whole thing.

I sat up, burying my head in my hands. Of course, he was gone. I had climbed all over him almost the entire night, he was probably freaked out. He came to the party to have a good time with his friends, meet some new people and instead he gets some weirdo laying on him.

Obviously, he would escape while he could. No man in their right mind would stay with me after that. He may even be at the police station right now, filing a restraining order. I would not blame him at all.

Phil always said I was a sloppy drunk. Always throwing myself at people. Never taking no for an answer. He was right. I crossed so many boundaries. I was a disgrace.

I swung my legs out of bed and wandered to the kitchen, wading through the cups and bottles from the night before.

The aftermath of a party was the worst. Having to clean up the mother of all messes while my head threatened to explode was not worth the small amount of time when I am drinking. It makes me wonder why I do it at all. Maybe because I rarely ever use my head. I don’t think before I act. I just do things without thinking of anyone else.

Phil used to nag me about it. He would moan about all of the messes of my parties. Tell me how inconsiderate it was of me. He was right, obviously. I don’t take into account what other people want. Now Sander has run for the hills.

Zoë was making coffee, offering me some as I sat down at the table next to Yasmina.

“Only if you make it strong enough to wake me up” I grumbled

“No coffee is that strong” she retorted but set about making me one anyway.

Out the corner of my eye I could see Yasmina resting her chin in her hands, grinning at me.

“What, Yas?”

“Oh, nothing…” she said happily

I rolled my eyes “If you have something to say, just say it. I am really not in the mood for this right now”

“I want drunk Robbe back” Zoë mumbled

Yasmina’s smile fell a little “I was just going to ask how much you remember from last night…”

“I remember fawning all over a guy that has zero interest in me and making him carry me back to my room when I was falling asleep. I remember being an absolute creep to someone I have only met a few times and he is probably running away as far as he can get because I am a complete idiot. I knew this was going to happen. It always does. They leave and they don’t come back”

“Robbe-”

“No. Yasmina don’t” I said “I really don’t want to talk about it. I made a fool out of myself. That’s it. Can we move on?”

She tried to talk again “You don’t understand-”

“Cut it out! Please!”

“Robbe, listen” she said, glaring at me when I tried to cut her off again “Sander spoke to me before he left. He has a customer coming in to get his tattoo finished so he had to go. He told me to give you this though.”

She handed me a piece of paper. When I opened it, I saw his number scrawled with the words ‘let me know if you ever want that tattoo’ written underneath it.

“Oh”

“He did seem really guilty about leaving” Zoë told me, placing my cup of steaming coffee on the table “and you didn’t make a fool out of yourself last night like you think. No more than usual, anyway. I saw you two when he carried you to bed. I was mostly asleep but even I could tell he wasn’t freaked out at all”

“Maybe you should get in touch with him?” Yasmina suggested “He seems like a great guy”

“He really is, he was only smiling when you were in the room. Every time you went out to get a drink or stand with Jens there was this little frown on his face, it was so cute”

“Really?”

Zoë nodded “Uh huh, and he couldn’t take his eyes off you. Everywhere you went he was watching you… Ok, saying it like that makes it sound creepy, but it was super sweet!”

“After you fell on him, he seemed really concerned about you” Yasmina added “it looked like he wanted to keep you in his arms forever by the way he was looking…”

As much as I wanted to believe that Sander liked me, I didn’t want to let myself think of it as a possibility. He could just be pulling a really elaborate prank on me. As soon as he got me to confess my crush on him, he would laugh right in my face.

“Hey, get out of your own head for a minute” Yasmina said, reading my thoughts “This is a good thing, just text him”

I still didn’t want to fully believe it, but I got out my phone and texted the number

‘so, say I wanted a tattoo… where would I go?’

I sent it before I had time to go back.

***

The next day I walked into the tattoo parlour, full of nerves. Sander had asked me to come and meet him here. Maybe I truly did read it all wrong and he was just offering a tattoo.

“Robbe!” Noor exclaimed when she saw me, pulling me into a brief hug “So good to see you! Are you getting inked?”

“Um, no… I’m actually here to see Sander, do you know where he is?”

“He’s in the room just down there” she said, pointing. “I think he’s just finishing up some designs, so you can just go straight in if you want”

“Great, thanks” I said and wandered over to the door, opening it slowly.

Sure enough, Sander was hunched over, looking at a table scattered with drawings.

“Hey, Sander”

He spun around at the sound of my voice “Robbe, hi!”

I stood there awkwardly “So… I do not actually want a tattoo. Not right now anyway”

He smiled “You don’t have to; I didn’t think you were that impulsive anyway” he joked “want to go for a walk? I have ages until my next client comes”

“Sure” I said, returning his smile, shyly

We walked for about twenty minutes before we stopped to sit in a park, drinking some hot chocolate that Sander bought. I had offered to pay but he insisted, not even letting me entertain the idea of spending any money.

“Can we talk?” he said suddenly after a few minutes of us sitting in silence

“About what?”

“I just need to say something. It’s actually why I asked you to come down” he told me nervously “Is it ok if I just come out and say it?”

“Um… ok”

He took a deep breath “The thing is… I really like you, Robbe. I know we barely know each other; I just can’t explain it. You’re always in my head, in my thoughts. Every time I wake up or go to sleep you are there in my mind. I cannot stop thinking about you. I tried, believe me… I just can’t…” He finally looked up at me, green eyes sparkling “I tried so many times to talk to you properly, to get you to meet me outside of work but we always seemed to get interrupted” he let out a small laugh “But that night, when we were laid together talking… it really seemed like you liked me too… was it just my brain making things up?”

I was shocked into silence, sitting there dumbfounded. I tried to process the words he was telling me, making sure that I heard him correctly.

The guy that I had been crushing on for weeks was telling me he returned my feelings. My brain was having trouble processing that information. I had never expected that I would ever hear him say those words to me. I tried so hard not to even entertain the idea in my head, knowing it would just make me more depressed. But he was sat in front of me, a nervous look on his face, confessing he liked me.

There was still some apprehension in my head. It was a possibility that this was all just a really elaborate joke. Just a prank to make fun of me. I didn’t know him that well… maybe that was the type of thing he enjoyed doing. Even so, I decided to follow Yasmina’s advice for once, trying to push back my apprehensive thoughts.

“No… you weren’t making things up. I can’t stop thinking about you either…”

He let out a sigh of relief, beaming. Sander truly was even more beautiful when he smiled, if that was possible. His whole face lit up and his bright green eyes twinkled. It was hard not to stare at him.

I took a sip of my drink and he looked at me affectionately

“You have cream on your nose” he said, bringing his finger up to lightly touch my skin, leaving it tingling.

“Sander…” I whispered as he brought his hand back down

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t have cream on my drink”

He smirked “I know”

He leaned forward, his face getting closer and closer to mine. All I had to do was move my face forward a touch…

But there was a nagging uncertainty planting the seed of doubt into my mind. Reiterating all the things that I was worried about.

_It could be a prank. If you reciprocate, he is going to laugh in your face._

“Wait” I whispered

He pulled back immediately, looking sheepish “Sorry, sorry. You’re just so beautiful, it’s hard to stop myself…”

I blushed deeply “No, it’s fine… I just think we should get to know each other properly… sorry…”

“Don’t apologise, it’s fine” he said taking my hand in his “Are you free Friday night? There is a fair really close to here. We could go if you want?”

I smiled “that sounds great”

All I had to do was keep the dark thoughts at bay and live in the moment. If only for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is some progress for you :) 
> 
> It might take a little while for the next chapter to be uploaded - not too long I'm hoping but there are some deadlines I have to take care of first


	8. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter is here! 
> 
> Did I ignore some uni deadlines while writing this chapter? Quite possibly 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Ever since that day at the park I had been walking on air. I had been waiting for this day to come all week because it meant I would finally get to know Robbe properly.

Noor had been constantly smiling at me at work.

“You look so happy” she said “I like seeing you this way”

I grinned at her “Of course I’m happy! I have a date with the most gorgeous person to ever grace this planet. Anyone would be bursting with joy if that happened to them”

“Well, maybe you would have been like this the entire time if you hadn’t been an idiot. You could have just waited and spoke to him at the shop” she told me, raising an eyebrow “You would have figured out that him and Jens weren’t together and saved yourself a lot of heartache”

She was right. Of course. But I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of admitting it. Sure, if I had stayed then I could have asked him out sooner, but I have a chance to see him now so that is the main thing.

“You don’t know that for sure…” I said

She rolled her eyes “You and I both know you would have asked him out the first time you saw him if you were given half the chance. So, don’t even try and say that, Driesen”

Moyo came in, clutching a takeaway coffee cup in his hand

I looked at him in disbelief “Did you seriously just go out and only buy coffee for yourself?”

He nodded “Yeah? You say that like you don’t do it all the time”

“At least we don’t come back and parade it in front of you!” Noor said haughtily

“I can go and get some if you want…”

She stepped forward and easily plucked the cup from his hand “No need” she replied before taking a sip

Moyo just grinned at her, allowing her to drink the rest of his coffee. I knew for a fact if I had taken it from him, he would have hit me over the head or maybe even poured the drink over me. He certainly wouldn’t beam at me like a lovesick puppy.

“What are you looking at me like for?” he asked after noticing my expression

“Oh, nothing” I said, stifling a laugh “You two are just being so completely obvious”

Noor just shrugged “Bit hypocritical, don’t you think?”

“Yeah! You barely looked away from Robbe for the entirety of that party” Moyo exclaimed “And you call _me_ obvious”

“At least I own it” I replied, making my exit from the room

They couldn’t make me feel embarrassed, as much as they tried to. Yes, I was head over heels for Robbe. I didn’t care who knew it. In fact, I _wanted_ everybody to know.

***

“I thought you would have gone and picked him up at his house, being the chivalrous man you are” Senne snickered as I ran around the flat in a tizz

It was almost time for my date with Robbe and I was a complete mess. I couldn’t find the right thing to wear, everything just looked completely wrong. My hair was sticking up in all different directions and refused to cooperate with my desperate attempts to tame it. All I wanted was to look perfect.

“I offered, obviously” I told him as I ran backwards and forwards “but he didn’t let me. He said there was no point in me going up there just to come back here”

“He’s got a point”

“Yeah, I know, but I wanted to be a gentleman – where is it?!” I shouted in exasperation

Senne got up from his place on the sofa and stared at me in confusion as I threw the entirety of my drawers onto the floor.

“What are you looking for?”

“My beanie! You know, the grey one? I can’t go out with my hair looking like this, so I have to cover it up somehow”

He walked over to my bed “You mean this one?” he asked, picking it up and tossing it to me

I gave a sigh of relief. The last thing I wanted to do was leave this flat without doing something to cover the monstrosity that was my hair. I knew for a fact that Robbe was going to look drop dead gorgeous tonight, even if he put zero effort into his appearance. He is a ten who should not have to walk around with a four.

“Sander…” Senne said, noticing my panicked look “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just nervous” I told him, trying to strategically place the beanie on my head “I have wanted this for so long… and I tried so hard to get this date… I just want it to be perfect”

“It doesn’t have to be perfect. If you both have a good time, that’s all that matters”

I knew that Senne was right, but it didn’t stop me from fretting. It was silly but I was worried that if Robbe didn’t enjoy himself tonight then he would decide not to see me again. My fears were totally irrational, one night doesn’t define everything – I knew that. My brain just would not stop making me doubt myself.

“Plus” Senne continued “All of us saw the way you two were looking at each other at that party. We especially saw him when you looked away. That boy has fallen _hard_. I don’t think he cares what you do as long as you are together”

I smiled at him gratefully and took a deep breath as I heard a small tap at the door.

I rushed to get it and beamed when I saw Robbe standing there. He took my breath away just by looking at me with his wide bambi eyes.

He was fiddling anxiously with the zipper on his brown jacket with one hand and rubbing his nose with the other. His hair was endearingly tousled, as if he had been running his hands through it. What I wouldn’t give to do that myself.

“Hi, Robbe”

He gave me a smile so cute my heart almost stopped “Hey… how are you?”

“I’m good” I said, nervously twiddling my thumbs “How are you?”

“I’m good” he replied, letting out a laugh

“So… we could stay here and Senne could embarrass me for a while, or we could leave now. Which would you prefer to do?”

Robbe stroked his chin thoughtfully “Although the thought of you being embarrassed does sound very appealing…” he said, making me scoff “We can go now if you want”

“Great”

I grabbed my coat from the rack beside me and tapped my pockets quickly to double check I had my wallet and phone.

The mess in my room would have to wait, there was no way that I was going to walk away from Robbe when he looked _that good_ standing right in front of me.

“Let’s go then” I grinned, pocketing my keys and walking out the door before Senne had a chance to make a fool out of me.

***

When we had first got to the fair, I had immediately dragged Robbe towards the bumper cars, insisting that we had to go on them.

It was so much fun taking turns driving it, smashing into other cars and being pushed backwards and forwards. For a second, I was worried that it was too much of a rough ride for Robbe as he was being jostled quite a lot but judging by the giggles that kept bubbling out of him, I would say he was fine.

After that we went on the helter skelter. I had to admit, it was my favourite one. I got to sit with Robbe in front of me, wrapping my arms around him to keep him close to me. I pushed off and we zoomed down the slide at what felt like the speed of light, when in actual fact it was probably quite slow.

“This is so awesome!” Robbe yelled as we went down the spiral slope

I had to agree.

Now we were aimlessly walking around the field, our fingers interlocked and hands swinging between us.

“What do you feel like doing now?” I asked after a while

He looked around and spotted a cart selling popcorn and candyfloss. I saw his eyes immediately fixate on it, but he didn’t say anything. He only gestured vaguely in that direction, mumbling about doing whatever I wanted to do.

“Well, I’m kind of hungry… how about we go grab something over there?” I suggested, trying to make him more at ease

I ordered some candyfloss for each of us when we got to the front of the queue, watching in awe as the bright pink blob was formed.

I probably looked like an idiot, gaping at the cart with wonder. Robbe was smiling at me sweetly when I glanced over at him though, so it was worth it.

The man working the cart handed us our sweet treats and it only took me a split second before I practically buried my face into it. By the time I had almost devoured mine, Robbe had only taken a few small bites of his, still looking somewhat anxious and hesitant. I thought previously that it was the hunger, but maybe that wasn’t the case.

We went and sat down on a bench nearby.

“Is everything alright?” I asked him nervously

“Yeah!” he said, head snapping up to look at me “Of course… why wouldn’t it be?”

“You just… you don’t seem to be having a good time right now. If you want, I can take you home… You don’t have to feel bad if you don’t want to be here anymore”

He shook his head almost immediately “No, no! That’s not it at all” he rushed to say “It’s… well, it’s stupid really. Insignificant. It doesn’t matter”

If it had put a dampener on his mood, then it really did matter.

“You can tell me…”

He took a deep breathe before blurting out “Ok… well… I was just wondering if this whole thing is… um… is it a joke?”

It took a moment to figure out if he was joking or not. A joke? How could anyone pursue this incredible person as a joke. How could anyone look at him and not instantly fall in love. It was impossible to do. Nobody on this planet would be able to jokingly go out on a date with him. He would win them over just by glancing at them.

“Like I said, it was stupid. Let’s not bring the mood down” Robbe continued, trying to laugh it off and nibble a bit more of his food

I twisted myself to face him “Robbe… you are the most enchanting man I have ever met. You are so incredibly sweet and funny. I couldn’t wait to spend time with you, take you out, treat you like you deserve… of course it’s not a joke. _None of this_ is a joke – I promise”

He didn’t reply but I saw the way he brightened at my answer. His eyes were warmer than I had ever seen them. Other people would say it was just the reflection of the lights around us, but I knew it was just because Robbe is the light itself.

All I wanted to do to was lean forward and kiss him, get rid of any doubt in his mind that I was not completely infatuated with him. Instead, I settled for tentatively rubbing his shoulder with my hand, trying to give him some comfort without crossing his boundaries.

We continued to sit on the bench for a little bit, finishing off our food… well, Robbe was finishing his. Mine was long gone. As I was gazing at him, I could see that he was shaking in the cold.

I did not even think about it before taking the hat off my head and tentatively placing it on his. Doing it slowly so he could tell me to stop if he wanted to.

“Thanks” he said shyly, looking up at me and looking so incredibly soft.

If I thought it was hard not to kiss him before, that just made it so much worse. It took all of my energy to restrain myself. I knew that if I did, he would not feel comfortable and that was the last thing I wanted.

I shrugged “You seemed cold”

It wasn’t long after that, that I remembered the state my hair was in. I brought my hands up to my head, trying to brush down the locks with my fingers.

“You look great, you know” I heard Robbe say quietly

He was obviously just trying to be nice. I looked terrible. He shouldn’t feel like he has to lie to me.

“I really don-”

“Nope” he said, grinning “I’m a hairdresser, you have to listen to what I say. Your hair looks _great._ Trust me”

“Ok” I replied, feeling my lips pull up into a smile

“Could we go on the spinning teacups next?” he asked a little while after he had finished his food

“Of course we can” I replied “It’s probably a bad idea considering we just ate, but who cares?”

We made our way over and stood in line, waiting to get on the ride.

I looked over at Robbe and saw that his hands kept coming up to touch the hat on his head. Sometimes not even to adjust it, just stroking the material. Every time I thought he couldn’t get any cuter, he goes and does something like that. It was amazing how I wasn’t a puddle on the floor by now, I was melting so much.

The line finally started moving and we got to sit down in a ‘teacup’ by ourselves.

I grasped hold of the wheel in the middle, giving Robbe a daring look.

“I really hope you’re prepared for this…”

He met my gaze “Bring it on”

As the ride started, we both determinedly twisted the wheel as fast as we could, making us spin faster and faster.

The whole of the fair ended up being just a dizzying blur of lights, everything merging together as we lost all control of the ride.

All I could hear was the wind whistling in my ears and the gleeful sounds of Robbe screaming. I tried to focus on him as we spun round uncontrollably, but my dizziness only allowed me to see things in a distorted view.

As it slowed down to a halt, our teacup was still spinning, much like a few others around us. We sat there waiting, trying to regain our centre of balance, until a member of staff came and let us go.

We got off the ride, staggering from dizziness.

“That was so much fun!” I yelled

“It really was” Robbe said, still giggling

We continued to walk around for a while until our feet were tired.

“Can we just stop here for a second?” Robbe asked, leaning up against a wall

“Yeah that sounds like a great idea” I said, standing in front of him.

He smiled at me brightly “thanks for asking me to come. I had a lot of fun”

“Thanks for agreeing to it” I replied “It’s been great hanging out with you”

I looked at Robbe standing there in front of me, cheeks an adorable shade of pink from the chilly air and curls peeking out of the beanie on his head.

“What are you looking at?” he asked

“You”

I wanted him to know that all night I have been surrounded by flashing lights and bright colours. Many other would be distracted by that, but I haven’t been able to tear my eyes away from the most captivating sight here.

The colour on his cheeks darkened and I couldn’t help but bring my hands up to cradle his face.

“God, you’re so beautiful, Robbe” I said

I started to lean forward on instinct, wanting to kiss him so badly, before I remembered what he said before and stopped. I didn’t want to overstep and make him uncomfortable. He clearly seems wary of becoming that close with people, anyone that looks at him would be able to tell. Kissing him would be amazing. It would make this night even more perfect but if it meant driving Robbe away then I would keep my distance.

To my surprise he lifted his head up to look me in the eyes, hence bringing our faces closer together.

“Sander… kiss me” Robbe whispered hoarsely, his tongue darting out and wetting his lips

“Are you sure?”

His eyes bored into mine “plea-”

Before he could finish, I had already pulled his face towards me, capturing his lips with mine. He responded immediately, bringing his hands up and winding them round my neck, burying them in my hair.

He pulled away slightly, resting our foreheads together “Do you know how many times I had to stop myself from doing that when you came to the shop?”

I leant away to look into his eyes “I think I have an idea” I said before pulling him back in.

My hands went to his hair, knocking my beanie off his head in one fluid motion. His curls felt just as I had imagined they would underneath my fingers. So smooth and soft to the touch. I tangled my fingers in them, lightly pulling on the strands.

Although I could not hear them because of the noise around us, I could feel the sounds that Robbe was making, his lips vibrating against mine every so often. It just made me even more desperate for him.

I tightly circled my arms around his waist, picking him up and pressing him against the wall, making sure to do it slow enough that he didn’t hurt his head. He wrapped his legs around my waist instantly, bringing us closer together but never close enough.

I could feel the shape of his smile against mine and taste the candyfloss we had enjoyed earlier. It was all so intense, but I never wanted to stop.

***

I had invited Robbe to come and stay the night at my flat. It was pretty dark; I hadn’t wanted him going all the way back to his place by himself.

I made sure to make him some cheese toasties when we got back. We had only consumed the equivalent of a mound of sugar, I didn’t want Robbe to go to sleep hungry.

He seemed reluctant to eat it at first, but after a while… and watching me stuff my face with about four, he ate them. At first, I thought it might have been my cooking that had put him off, that’s just crazy though. My croques are a delicacy.

It had been embarrassing initially walking into my room. The clothes that I had thrown around earlier were, unsurprisingly, still lying on the floor. It looked like a bomb had gone off, but Robbe didn’t seem to mind. He just stepped over it all and sat himself on my bed, opening his arms to silently ask for a hug. Obviously, I ran over to him immediately. How could I not?

We stayed curled up together on my bed the next day, sometimes talking but mostly just sitting and enjoying each other’s company.

It was so surreal having him laid there with me, curled up in my arms.

When I heard the soft noises, he made when I ran my hands through his hair, I thought I was actually in heaven. Plus, Yasmina’s analogy of him being a cat felt entirely accurate.

After a while I sat up and grabbed my phone, raising it up and snapping a selfie of us. I felt Robbe freeze immediately.

“Is everything ok?”

“Please delete that…” he mumbled, curling up into himself, trying to bury his head in his knees

“Why?”

“I just… don’t really like having my picture taken”

I opened the picture I took and stared at our faces. He looked so adorable, hair all messy and drowning in my jumper.

He had needed something to wear when we went to sleep. I almost stopped breathing when I saw him standing there in my clothes. The sleeves fell past his hands and the neck hole dropped so far that his collarbone was visible, showing off the golden necklace on his chest.

I raised his head gently with my hand, turning the phone so he could see it.

“Could you just look at this for a moment?” I said softly

“I don’t want to. I hate looking at pictures of myself”

My heart was breaking to see him so insecure “just look at it for a moment…” I said “I want you to look at this amazing person. He is the most gorgeous man I have ever laid eyes on. Sure, the camera won’t be able to capture all of that beauty – there is just too much of it to fit in one frame… but it can come pretty close”

He scoffed but I could see the slight tug on his lips, betraying the smile he was trying to hide.

I placed my phone on the bedside table and scooted closer to him, resting my head on his shoulder.

“I mean it, you know” I whispered into his ear “You’re so beautiful. I won’t take pictures of you if you don’t like it, but you need to know that the pictures of you could never be ugly. It’s physically impossible for you to have a bad angle”

“You mean it?” he whispered, so quiet I barely heard it

I wrapped an arm around him, squeezing him tight.

“Of course” I told him, leaning forward and pressing my lips against his cheek tenderly. I felt overjoyed at finally being able to do that “I’ll delete the picture if you really want me to though… I would never want to make you feel uncomfortable”

He hesitated for a moment, thinking about his answer, and nuzzled his face into my hair

“I guess you could keep it there…” he said slowly, as if he was still unsure

I peppered light kisses on his neck, sometimes merely brushing my lips on his skin. Not because I wanted things to progress any further, just in the hopes that he would feel comforted.

“Ok… but if you change your mind let me know, it’ll be gone immediately”

I could feel the movement of him nodding just before he cuddled closer to me, seeming more relaxed than before.

“I really like laying here with you” I confessed to him

“Me too” he whispered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I have no experience with anything I wrote in this chapter. I hope it was still enjoyable to read though   
> I also didn't check if they actually have all of these rides in Belgium (or if those are the right names etc) so let's just pretend they do haha 
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter! :)


	9. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! 
> 
> Wow ok, sorry this took so long so be uploaded. I wasn't sure what direction to take this in... a decision has been made though (a good one? who knows, but it's been made) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter

I finally returned home in a daze. Everything with Sander had been perfect. He was so caring and funny, nothing felt awkward at all like I was worried it would.

Even when I felt a little down, he didn’t mock me or tell me to lighten up. He tried to make me feel better and asked what was wrong instead of having a go at me for ruining his night. It was so nice being with someone like that and not having to be on edge every second, waiting for them to snap and end the night.

The conversation managed to flow nicely too; it might have been because Sander is so naturally charismatic. I was appreciative that he enjoyed talking though, it made the evening so much better having us chat instead of sitting in silence for hours.

Almost as soon as I walked through the door, I was greeted by Yasmina. Although it was nice to see her, it did bring me down a little. Giving me a reminder that the rest of the world did exist outside of my bubble with Sander.

“Ahh, finally returning home” she said with a teasing tone “how did it go?”

“It was… incredible” I admitted to her

She smiled kindly “You certainly seem happy”

I nodded “I really am”

The thing was it wasn’t a lie. For the first time in a while I finally felt an overwhelming sense of contentment and bliss. The dull feeling in my chest that normally filled me had somewhat dissipated and was no longer weighing me down… as much as it had done anyway.

Sander had made me feel so cared for and loved… I know that my friends have tried but, it was nice having someone that didn’t look at me with so much pity in their eyes.

“Is Zoë about?” I asked her after I hung my coat up and followed Yasmina to where she had migrated to the kitchen

“No” she said, back turned to me “she’s gone to see her parents. She’ll be gutted that she missed you though, she has been waiting to find out how your date went” She turned round to face me and spotted what I was wearing, raising her eyebrows “Now… I am almost one hundred percent sure you didn’t leave in those clothes”

I looked down at what I was wearing. Truth be told, I had forgotten I still had Sander’s clothes on. They were just so comfy. Even thought they hung off me, it felt good to be surrounded by the soft material and have the slightly fruity scent of the beautiful boy still lingering.

It was funny to me how Sander refused to admit how much he liked that smell, trying to pin it all on Senne. Watching the pink appear on his cheeks while he spluttered out half-hearted excuses about where all the seemingly feminine smells came from. He really was just a big softie trapped underneath the hard ‘rebel’ exterior. Not that I minded, of course. He did not need to hide it from me.

I did wonder when he was going to return the things I left at his place. He said he would bring them to me the next time we saw each other. I hoped it would be soon, not only because I wanted them back, but it would be great to see him. Even though I only just left his place, I felt an ache in my chest that made me want to run all the way back to him.

That would just be crazy though. He would think I was out of my mind and a borderline stalker. It was better to just stay away until he wanted to meet up again. Better not to come on too strong.

“You want to tell me about it?” Yasmina asked, sitting down at the table

I pulled out a chair next to her, sitting down and launching into a description of our date.

My time with Sander had been magical. We had gone on all the rides at the fair, going round and round on them. He had bought me all the food that I wanted, without batting an eye.

Phil used to tell me how fat I was getting. That I shouldn’t eat too much or else I wouldn’t look appealing to anyone, especially not him. Sander didn’t say anything though. He seemed quite happy to buy all the treats, even getting excited over the bright pink candyfloss. It was so adorable.

Then when we got back to his flat, he made us some sandwiches. I protested at first, but he insisted that he was not going to let me go to sleep hungry as we had only eaten sugary things so far that night. It was surprisingly sweet, and it didn’t feel overbearing or patronising at all.

“It was… it was _amazing_ ” I told her “We went to the fair and he held my hand the entire time, even squeezing it when we were on a fast one to check I was ok”

Yasmina clutched her heart “Oh my god, that is so cute!”

“And when I got cold, he took his hat off and let me wear it”

I had really appreciated that. The cold breeze had been blowing around, making me shiver. I had left my own hat at home and was missing it desperately. He must have noticed that I was getting uncomfortable from the weather because he put his beanie on me without me saying anything.

It was especially sweet considering how self-conscious he seemed about his hair that evening. Not that he needed to. Sander looked as beautiful as ever in the moonlight as he does every time I see him.

“Very gentlemanly of him” Yasmina said laughingly

I nodded, smiling to myself

“Are you going to see him again?”

“I hope so” I admitted

I really did want to see him again. I hoped that he wanted to see me too. Judging by the way he was talking it seemed very likely, but I never really did have a good sense of these things.

“I do too” she told me “If he makes you this happy, it would be good to have him around more. You definitely seem happier than you ever were with-”

“So, how has your weekend been Yas?” I asked, desperate to change the topic

Talking about Philip was never a good thing. The outcomes were never positive, so it was best to just leave it alone.

Yasmina seemed unfazed by it, she was probably used to me dodging the topic by now “It was good! I didn’t really do a lot, me and a few colleagues just went out to do a photoshoot. They turned out pretty good actually, want to see?”

I nodded enthusiastically and she rushed off to find them.

It was a relief that she wasn’t prying for information right now. I was grateful that she let me change the subject with no hassle. All I wanted to do was think of the wonderful time I just had, not bother myself with the mistakes I made in the past.

***

I was stood in the shop with Zoë and Jens. My customer had just left so the place was empty apart from us.

They had been waiting excitedly for me to tell them how my date with Sander went ever since I got in this morning. It was hilarious seeing them grinning at me all day instead of their normal tired faces.

“Come on!” Zoë yelled as soon as the door shut behind the customer “Tell us _everything_ ”

Jens looked up from the desk, ignoring all the work he was previously doing “We have been waiting for hours – start talking”

“Ok, ok” I said, trying to stop myself from smiling too wide

As I told them all about it, I could see the happy looks on their faces as they listened intently to what I was saying.

“Well, that’s adorable” Jens said once I had finished “Nobody has ever done that for me”

He pouted slightly, sticking out his bottom lip

 _Maybe if you stayed with a person for more than a couple of days then they would._ I thought, but I didn’t say it. He would probably know I was joking, but I didn’t want to take the risk.

I sighed happily instead “I know, my heart almost burst!”

Zoë came and gave me a quick hug “It’s nice seeing you like this, you’re practically glowing” she pushed me away suddenly, holding me at arm’s length. A serious expression had come over her face “An important question though… is he your boyfriend now?”

They both looked at me with hopeful expressions, waiting in suspense for the answer.

The thing was, I did not know what to tell them.

The night had gone great, well it was better than great. Clearly, we both liked each other. Both of us had spent almost the entire weekend together, sat in his room chatting and watching movies. We had kissed and cuddled up with each other in Sander’s bed for a lot of the time too.

We hadn’t put any labels on it, though. Sander hadn’t brought it up and I was too scared to. 

What if I asked him to be his boyfriend and he told me that this thing wasn’t serious enough for that? Or that he didn’t like me enough to be in a proper relationship with me? I did not want to run the risk of losing him, I only just got him in my life.

I bit my lip “No… I don’t think so”

Their shoulders slumped defeatedly

“Really? Are you sure?” Zoë asked insistently “That guy has totally fallen for you, the fact that he didn’t ask you already is just unrealistic”

“There is no need to think about it too much” Jens said casually, shrugging his shoulders “You two have only been out on one date. He is probably just giving you both some time to see if you actually want to be in a relationship. I don’t ask girls to go out with me after the first date, do I? So, don’t stress because we all know you are panicking right now”

“I’m not panicking” I said, although I was struggling to keep my voice from shaking

“Honey don’t lie” he said, rolling his eyes “Just try not to think about it. There is no need to worry, that guy is completely smitten with you”

Zoë was squinting at him slightly “Yes but… I don’t think your example was the best one to give, Jens” she said, letting go of me and crossing her arms over her chest “You _never_ ask anyone to be your girlfriend, ever. You just switch from person to person”

He just shrugged “Because I figure out I don’t want a relationship with them. It proves my point, doesn’t it?”

“You’re ridiculous” she mumbled before she walked towards him and shoved him out of the way “You’re also not making any progress with this, so just let me do it”

He shoved her back lightly, telling her he was doing it.

I just stood back and watched them squabble. It was a usual sight when they were on shift together. They both loved each other dearly, we were all really good friends. Their personalities were just not suited together in the workplace for long periods of time.

Zoë liked to be precise and do thing in an orderly way. She didn’t like to wait to get things done, preferring not to prolong things and procrastinate on paperwork and other things like that.

Jens, on the other hand, was notorious for leaving things until the last minute and making us all rush about to try and get things done in time. Hence, their shifts are often separated, so I don’t have to hear their childish bickering for hours on end.

The door opened and a bleach blonde model walked in. It was good timing, I had to admit. Being trapped there with Zoë and Jens was not something I was looking forward to.

I ran to him immediately, throwing my arms around him and squeezing him tight. Not thinking about a normal greeting, a wave or just a smile, just acting on my first instinct for once.

“Well, this is a nice welcome” he laughed, wrapping his arms around me

“What are you doing here?” I asked after we had let go of each other

He smiled brightly “I had some time, so I thought I would come and say hi… maybe take you out for a walk or something if you aren’t busy…? No pressure though”

“I would love to!” I exclaimed

Jens coughed from behind me “Forgetting something…?”

I turned to face him and saw he had a smirk on his face

“Dammit” I mumbled “I have another customer”

From the look he had, I could tell that Jens was loving the way the tables had turned.

He was always the one leaving early and begging me to cover for him, trying to woo a different girl almost every time.

The only difference between us was this thing with Sander was not a one-time thing. We were going to be seeing each other again… I hoped, anyway.

“Just go” he said, making a shooing gesture with his hands “Zoë and I can handle things here and god knows you have covered for us an insurmountable number of times”

She scoffed, smirking “You mean _I_ can handle it. You’re just going to sit back there and make yourself coffee”

I turned back to Sander, chuckling “Let’s just go before they start yelling. Try not to kill each other while I’m gone!” I shouted to them before we made our hasty exit

***

We grabbed some drinks from a café nearby before taking a leisurely walk around the streets. There was nowhere in particular we were aiming for, as far as I was aware anyway. It was just nice having a chill time together.

“So…” I said, trying to fill the silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable one, I just thought that I should take the opportunity to talk to him. “What made you want to become a tattoo artist?”

“I’m not sure really…” he replied, scrunching his nose up slightly as he thought of his answer. He looked so incredibly cute when he did it. It was hard not to pull him into a kiss right there and then “It’s kind of always been an interest of mine. I followed a load of tattoo artists on Instagram and it was interesting, but I never thought I would make a career out of it. Then I met Noor at art school… she was the one who really got me into it. We went and got tattoos together and talked to the owners for a bit, expressing our interest in it… things kind of just led on from there”

“And was your family supportive of you not going down the traditional art route?”

He laughed a little “My Mum isn’t very fond of tattoos herself, but she didn’t really object to me doing it myself. It was my little sister that was the real cheerleader though. She was so into it, bringing all of her coloured pens to me and offering me her arms to use as practice”

“That is so adorable” I said, half talking about his sibling but mainly about the soft look on his face when he spoke about her “So, you have a sister?”

“Yeah! Her name is Lilly. She’s thirteen now, becoming more of a menace each time I see her”

I had always wanted siblings when I was younger. Just someone to be able to play around with and have fun. A person closer to my age that I could talk to, confide things in.

I had always been so jealous of my friends for having siblings of their own. They would always moan about them and say how annoying they were, but I really envied the types of relationships they had.

They always had someone that was there for them, no matter what. A person, closer to your own age, that gave them unconditional love and support.

Of course, I had Yasmina. We were so close. Her brother, Elias, was quite good friends with me too, when he wasn’t hanging around with the people his own age. It was always different, though. They had their own special sibling bond that I would never have. Yasmina was always going on about the fights they had. But the bottom line was, whenever things got tough, he was there for her. He stuck up for her and protected her.

It would have been nice having someone step in and protect me from some things.

“Do you see her a lot, then?” I asked him

“Not as much as I would really like to, but yeah” he said “I try and go round to see her frequently, it’s nice hanging out with her even for short periods of time. Sometimes she comes over when Mum had to go to work, too. She is always claiming she’s old enough to stay at home by herself, but she never actually does it”

“It does sound nice” I said

He chuckled “It really is”

“Does your Dad work long hours too, then?”

Sander’s face dimmed a little and I felt awful. I didn’t want him to feel bad about anything. Bringing down his mood was the last thing I wanted to do.

“No… he, um…”

“Don’t worry about it” I rushed to say, placing my hand over his gently “You don’t have to talk about it”

He gave me a small smile “Yeah… uh… do you have any siblings?”

I shook my head “No, I always wanted some, but my parents were satisfied with just me. I had Yasmina and her brother to play with sometimes, though” 

“Ahh, you’ve known her a long time then. You two did seem close at the party”

“We are, she’s one of my best friends. She has been with me through…” I trailed off a little “through a lot”

Sander must have sensed that I was a little uneasy because he diverted back to what we were talking about before. I was appreciative of that, talking about the demons of the past was a topic both of us clearly did not really want to come to.

“So, what made you want to become a hairdresser?”

“I have always loved it” I told him “when I was younger, I was obsessed with my Mum’s magazines and things like that. I could not get enough of them. Looking at all of the different styles and the varying colours… it was just so fascinating to me”

“It’s always been something you have wanted to do then?”

“Definitely! My Mum used to buy me all of these dolls to practice on”

He burst out laughing, bending over slightly and clutching his stomach.

I didn’t really see what was funny about that, unless he believed playing with dolls to be girly. That is what Philip had said when we spoke about it. He was look at me with distain and question why someone of my gender would do something so feminine. He was probably right; those toys were aimed towards girls.

“I know, it’s girly. We can just forget about it-”

“No, no, no” he said quickly “That wasn’t why I was laughing. It was only because you playing with dolls is possibly one of the cutest images in my head. I actually played with dolls too! Lilly had a bunch, and we would always play with them together, it’s a lot of fun”

 _Oh,_ I thought _so he doesn’t think I’m a complete weirdo… not yet, anyway_

“I should see if she still has some and we can play with them” he said laughingly “I’m only half joking. I’d be down to style some dolls with you”

I smiled at him, grateful that he was so kind and open minded “Maybe you should come over and do it sometime then… you do still need to return my clothes to me, after all”

“I’m looking forward to it”

Sander grasped my hand in his, swinging them between us. He was so lovely; I never wanted our time together to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated :) 
> 
> Tumblr: thenerd10


	10. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and happy new year! 
> 
> I wasn't planning on uploading this today but... here we are anyway 
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

The fact that Robbe wanted to be around me so much was such a had concept for me to grasp. Of course, I had wanted this to happen for such a long time, but I didn’t fully believe that he would return my feelings.

We had been hanging out a lot since our date. I had gone and picked him up from work a couple of times, much to his delight. It was great seeing his face light up at the sight of me instead of the blank expressions he had when we first met.

Robbe had taken to coming to the tattoo parlour too, he sat in the break room with Noor or Moyo when I was busy. I’m not sure what they talk about, hopefully all good things. It’s always great walking out from doing a long tattoo and having a Prince waiting for me.

That was the sight I was met with when I walked into the room. He was sat cross legged on the sofa, sipping a cup of coffee and laughing with Moyo and Noor. It was nice to know that I was the only one Moyo refused to bring drinks back for. Maybe it was revenge for turning off The Kissing Booth while he was still in the middle of it, who knows.

“Hi there!” I said brightly, flopping down next to him and leaning into his side

“Hey” he replied, smiling “Having a good day?”

I pouted “Long… better now that you are here though”

He held out the cup to me, offering me some of his drink, which I gladly accepted.

Noor cooed at us from the other side of the room “You two are so adorable, honestly”

“Yeah, we were just talking about how you have practically become conjoined twins since you got together”

“Oh, um, we uh… we…” Robbe stuttered as I glared at Moyo

We hadn’t actually had a chance to talk about what we were yet. Well, we had… both of us had just decided not to broach the subject yet.

I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be dating Robbe, to be able to officially call him my boyfriend. The thing was, I didn’t know if that was what he wanted too. Sure, he was interested in me, but did he want to be tied down and settled with me in a relationship? The last thing I wanted to do was ask him only to get shot down and lose him completely. The more casual thing we had going on right now was working. I was not going to mess it up.

Robbe got out his phone “Oh… I actually have to get going. Yasmina said she needed me back at the flat. Apparently, it’s my turn to cook and the girls are adamant that they aren’t doing it for me again”

“Ok” I said, giving him a small kiss on the cheek and letting him get up “are we still on for dinner tomorrow?”

He grinned at me before he left “Of course, looking forward to it. Bye, guys!”

“Bye, Robbe!” they chimed back, waving at him

I snapped my head towards Moyo with fiery eyes as soon as he was out of sight “You had better hope Yasmina actually wanted him back and that wasn’t just an excuse to get out of here”

He looked at me, baffled “I’m sorry, have I done something?”

“ _Have I done something?_ ” I mimicked “Yes! We haven’t talked about what we are get and now you have gone and scared him away”

Noor got up from her seat and came to crouch in front of me “Hey, hey, look at me” she said softly “Nothing bad has happened, ok? Robbe did not seem scared at all. He got a text from his roommate, that is all. He seemed excited to see you again, if they guy was spooked, he wouldn’t sound so happy at the prospect of another date, right?”

I nodded reluctantly “I guess so… I just don’t want to lose him, Noor. I have only just got him… not that he’s my property or anything, I just mean that he is really important to me and-”

“Woah, slow down” Moyo told me “You’re rambling. Just stop and take things slowly, ok? Things are going great with you two, anyone can see that. He isn’t going anywhere, so take your time”

I knew they were right. Obviously, they were, I was being stupid and overreacting. I had just never felt anything close to this before and I never wanted that feeling to go away.

“Ok, thanks” I gave them a small smile “sorry for being an idiot”

“You’re always an idiot” Moyo muttered but he was grinning

“No problem at all, sweetie” Noor told me “just enjoy your date tomorrow – have fun”

***

Robbe and I were sat in the park near his flat, a blanket spread out beneath us and an array of takeaway food spread out around us.

I hadn’t wanted to take him to some fancy restaurant and have us sat on opposite sides of the table talking about meaningless ‘date’ things. I wanted to do something where we could chill and be ourselves. Not have to worry about anyone else sitting around and judging us.

“Oh my god” Robbe moaned as he stuffed his face with food

“Good?”

“ _Amazing_ , I can’t even remember the last time I had something like this”

I raised my eyebrows “Really? How come?”

He rolled his eyes “Zoë and Yasmina insist on me eating healthy. It isn’t so bad most of the time, but they barely ever just let me eat what I want… they are surprisingly strict”

“It’s the other way around for me. Senne is the one that needs telling to eat his vegetables a lot of the time, it makes me feel like a nagging parent”

He chuckled “As long as you don’t tell me to eat my greens, we won’t have a problem”

I tapped my chin and hummed in contemplation “And what if I do…?”

He looked me in the eye and leaned forward slightly “Oh, the consequences would be _dire_ ”

Just as I was about to close the distance between us and kiss him, he pulled back. I could see the smug look on his face when he heard my noise of protest.

“The food is going to go cold if we don’t eat it now” he said simply, shrugging his shoulders and looking at me innocently

I shook my head. This boy was going to kill me one of these days.

I sat back, taking him in, he was wrapped up warm with a brown coat and a red beanie on his head. It looks so cute on him with all his dark brow curls poking out from underneath it.

He was still making contented sounds as he finished the food he had been eating. I looked at his face, smirking when I spotted the sauce smeared over his cheek.

“What?”

“Nothing… you just have something on your face”

I grabbed a napkin and gently ran it over his cheek, delighting in the way his face flushed with embarrassment.

“Do I really or is this just another ploy for you to touch my face again?” he asked. He was probably trying to sound confident but the wavering in his voice told me he was full of nerves.

I smiled, putting the napkin on the ground and moving towards him slowly

“A bit of both”

I leaned forwards, closing the distance between us and planting my lips on his. It was a slow kiss, almost leisurely, like we had all the time in the word. It was nothing like the first one we shared. The desperation and longing we poured out into it were not present, instead it was replaced with a feeling of contentment.

Robbe pulled away first, resting our foreheads against one another and rubbing our noses together tenderly

“I really like doing this with you” he whispered, sighing against my lips

I lifted my arm up and placed my hand on the back of his neck, winding his hair lightly round my fingers.

“I just can’t believe it” I replied, starting to pepper kisses over his face

“Why?” he asked, giggling and pushing me playfully, muttering about how I was tickling him

I was undeterred though, continuing to press my lips softly to his nose

“Because you’re amazing and the fact you have even looked twice at me is astonishing”

He froze instantly, widening his eyes in shock “Sander… I am practically nobody, but you are just… you are _angelic._ The fact that you noticed my presence even once was a miracle to me”

My heart ached every time Robbe put himself down like that. I didn’t know what I could do to make him understand that he was the most breath-taking sight. The fact that he refuses to accept how wonderful he is astonishing to me. How could he feel so low about himself? He is truly one of the most exceptional people I have ever me, and I haven’t even known him for that long.

I shook my head “The miracle is that you have given me the time of day. People like you can’t hang out with just anyone, you know. There are standards”

The dimples on his face became deeper as his smile grew “And you meet every single one”

I almost blurted out a love confession right there and then. The words were on the tip of my tongue. If I didn’t know fully well that Robbe would be totally freaked out if I did, I would have gone for it.

Yes, it was only our second date… I just couldn’t stop the feeling that filled me up every time we were together. Robbe made me feel so good when we were together.

“So do you” I settled for. I could have prepared a more romantic line given more time, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked after a while

“Shoot” I said

He grabbed my arm tentatively and rolled up my sleeve a little, running his finger across the ink visible on my arm.

“What do your tattoos mean?” he said questioningly “you don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfortable talking about them, just thought I’d ask”

I smiled. Robbe was so sweet and considerate. How he wasn’t in a relationship when we met was beyond me. Everyone else was missing out.

“No, no” I told him “It’s fine, I did say I would tell you about them”

I took off my coat. That was probably a mistake considering the chilly evening breeze, but I did not really care. The look that Robbe was giving me made up for the cold I was likely to get in a few days.

Mostly, the tattoo sleeves on my arms were just random patterns. Things that I thought look interesting or aesthetically pleasing. But there were a few that I had done that represented things close to my heart. Some that took a lot of thought put into the design.

“This one” I said, pointing to a small ‘L’ surrounded in a shape similar to a wreath made of lilies in warm tones “Is for my sister. She always wanted me to get something for her, because she wanted to be a part of me forever. I did try and tell her that I would never forget my crazy little sister and I didn’t need some ink to jog my memory, but she didn’t listen”

Lilly doesn’t like the tattoo itself too much, though. She said that those flowers are for funerals, but I think she’s wrong. All the colours symbolise different things. Red is for love, orange is for confidence and yellow is for joy… so, I would say that sums her up pretty well.

“The one right above it… the heart. That’s for my Mum. I would have chosen something with a deeper meaning, but she chose it herself, so there wasn’t much option there” I laughed

“That’s sweet that you let her choose something to be a permanent fixture on your body, though” Robbe said, smiling and tracing it with his index finger

“Of course, she’s been such a huge role model for me… I wanted to do something that showed her how much she meant to me”

My mum still doesn’t one hundred percent understand the tattoos. She thinks that they are just doodles on my skin, she never really has been one for the arts. The thing was, though… my tattoos were just a way of channelling my passions and love that I carried for the people in my life.

I rolled up my other sleeve a little and turned my arm over so Robbe could see the inside of my wrist. That was where one of my favourite tattoos were located.

It is a galaxy with lots of purples and blues, very much a contrast to the colours on my other arm. Very unintentional yet very artistic. It had a thin black infinity sign on top of it with the words ‘in every universe’ printed underneath it. I really had to applaud Noor’s steady hand and patience for that one. It took immense talent for her to be able to delicately do the loopy handwriting so small on my arm.

“I really like this one” I told him “Have you ever heard of the parallel universe theory?”

He shook his head “Could you tell me about it?”

“Basically, it follows the idea that there are endless other universes... and when you make a decision, the universe splits itself. So, in theory… you could exist in every universe, but something is always a little different. Like, we could be wearing different t-shirts, or our hair could be a different colour. It’s always been a comforting thought to me that even if something bad happens in this universe, it might not be the same for every version of me”

Robbe looked at me in awe. It was unusual. Mostly people zoned out whenever I waffled on about things, but it seemed like he really listened and took in what I was saying. It was really refreshing having something actively taking in the information I was telling them.

“That’s really cool” he said, grinning “I didn’t know you were into science”

“Umm…” I said hesitantly “I’m not, actually…”

“Oh, where did you learn all of that then?”

I bit my lip, wondering if I should tell him or not “Ok… you have to promise not to laugh though”

He looked at me seriously, his lips pressed into a hard line “Of course, I promise I won’t laugh”

“Ok… well… I used to watch The Flash-”

I was cut off my Robbe’s incessant laughter.

I shook my head in disbelief “You said you wouldn’t laugh!”

“Well, I didn’t know you were going to say _that_ … I can’t believe you said all of that intelligent stuff, only for it to be sullied by The Flash!” he managed to get out, still struggling to keep his giggling under control

“What about this one?” he asked after a while, still a little breathless

Robbe was touching the side of my neck, referencing the lightning bolt tattoo I had gotten done there. It was quite large, stretching from below my jawline to just above my collarbone, in a bold red and a strip of blue behind it to give it a 3D effect.

“Ah, well, this is one of my most prized tattoos” I told him, smirking “It is for my love of David Bowie”

Robbe tilted his head to the size a little, examining it “Are you sure it’s David Bowie…?”

I laughed a little, confused about what he meant

“Or is it an ode to your favourite TV show, The Flash?” he continued, starting to laugh again when he saw the grumpy look on my face. It got so bad that he had to lay on the floor to catch his breath, clutching his stomach and wheezing.

I flopped down beside him, rolling onto my side to face him. He looked so gorgeous laying there, pure happiness on his face and the whole galaxy twinkling in his eyes. He looked impossibly gorgeous when he was laughing. I did not even care that he was making fun of me. It was worth it to see that look on his face.

“Are there others you feel like sharing with me?” he asked quietly once he had caught his breath

I wanted to show them to him. All I wanted to do was show Robbe all the stories painted on my skin. But I knew that he would end up wanting to know about the most beautiful one I had on my stomach… the most heart-wrenching tattoo I had ever gotten. Even though it had been years, I wasn’t ready to open up about it yet… I don’t really think I ever would be.

“As much as I would love to…” I told him “That would involve taking my shirt off, and the combination of this being the public place and it being cold is telling me I shouldn’t”

He giggled “That’s a fair enough reason, wouldn’t want you getting a chill”

Robbe rolled closer to me, nestling his head into my chest.

I wanted that moment to go on forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is greatly appreciated :) 
> 
> Sorry if the tattoos didn't really seem like things Sander would get, I kind of struggled with that part 
> 
> Tumblr: thenerd10 (come say hi!)


	11. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!  
> Hope you are all doing well :) 
> 
> This chapter is kind of a filler, but I hope you still enjoy it! There will be more plot to come soon

I was sat in the living room with Yasmina and Zoë. We were all supposed to be binge watching Brooklyn Nine Nine together, but I was slightly distracted. Ok, not slightly… I wasn’t paying any attention to what was playing on the screen. 

Sander was texting me and that was the only thing that I could focus on. It was impossible to draw my attention away when I felt the buzzing in my hand, notifying me of new messages. 

_ Sander: Anyway, what are you doing right now?  _

_ Me: Watching Brooklyn 99 with the girls  _ 😊 __

_ Sander: Oh cool! _

_ Me: What are you up to?  _

_ Sander: Thinking about you <3  _

_ Me: That’s cute  _

_ Sander: It’s true!  _

_ I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you all day  _

_ Me: Stop, you’ll make me blush  _

_ Sander: Well I sure hope so  _

_ You look beautiful when you blush  _

_ Me: Ok, you need to stop messaging me, Jake Peralta is going to  _

_ solve the case and I don’t want to miss it  _

_ Sander: Aww, are you getting embarrassed?  _

_ Well there is a case that actually needs solving here  _

_ Me: Pfft, I’m not embarrassed _

_ What?  _

_ Sander: It was a theft  _

_ Me: What are you talking about?  _

_ Sander: Someone stole my heart  _

_ I’m pretty sure you were the one who took it  _

_ Me: So cheesy  _

_ Would you like it back?  _

_ Sander: No, you can keep it _

_ I know it’s in good hands  _

The girls put up with it for a while until clearly, the insistent buzzing got too much for them. 

Zoë paused the episode and turned towards me with a curious expression 

“Is that Sander?” she asked 

“Why even bother asking, he has that dopey look on his face. Of course, it’s Sander” Yasmina said, rolling her eyes fondly 

I nodded in confirmation “Yeah, we have been texting a lot these past few days” 

Yasmina let out a laugh “Clearly! You haven’t been able to tear your eyes away from your phone” 

It was true. I didn’t want to miss a text from him, so I just carried it with me around the house, checking it as often as I could. Sure, it was desperate, but I couldn’t help myself. Sander was the sweetest person ever, his texts just made me feel so good. Even looking at the notifications made my stomach fill with butterflies. 

It was never like that with Philip. Any texts that he sent me would be demanding and insistent. They would normally be concerning my whereabouts, asking where I was and who I was with. Even after he had that location app put on my phone he still asked, not believing it was telling the truth. Seeing that he sent me a message always filled me with anxiety, because even when I was in the right place, Phil was still distrustful of me. 

He had a right to be though, obviously. He had told me not to go to specific places, but I still did. If anyone was to blame for his jealousy and sternness, it was me. I was the reason he saw me as untrustworthy. If I had just listened and followed instructions from the start, then maybe he wouldn’t have become so angry with me all the time. 

Yasmina narrowed her eyes a little “Robbe… are you ok? Sander hasn’t been-”

I shook my head immediately and broke out of my daze, she must have seen the look on my face. That was just another reminder not to lose myself in my thoughts when she was around. She could always tell when I was falling down the rabbit hole of dark thoughts

“No, no” I assured her “He’s been really sweet to me” 

“Are you sure?” she probed “because if he has said anything to make you feel-” 

I did appreciate what Yasmina was doing. She wanted to make me feel safe, so I would never feel how I did before. What she didn’t realise was, I never stopped feeling that way. Even now, after we had spent a lot of time apart, I still felt scared when I walked around every corner. The fear that Philip will be standing there, waiting to drag me back with him, is too much to bear sometimes. 

“Yas” I said, pinning a smile on my face, trying to make it look as real as possible “Sander is a genuine guy, ok? He would never make me feel like that” 

I wasn’t completely sure who I was trying to convince, her or me. In the back of my mind, I knew that he was different. Not every guy out there was going to be like Phil. That didn’t stop the stupid voice in my head from telling me otherwise, though. 

She seemed satisfied enough, flashing a smile at us and sitting back in her seat, but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

I hated everything that has happened. It doesn’t just suck for me, it affected all of the relationships I have with people and the way they act towards me. Yasmina, especially, had taken it hard. We have always been so close. I know that she was hurt that I iced her out with everyone else. 

When we were younger, it was us against the world. We were platonic soulmates. The world was our oyster, and we were ready to take it on. Things just took a hit when I met Phil. It was fine for a while; we would all hang out together and Yasmina loved him. She said he was perfect, I agreed. 

When things progressed in our relationship, he told me I spent too much time with her. So, I stopped seeing her as much to make him happy. It really affected our friendship, but we pretended it wasn’t there. It was like we were on a sinking ship and trying to fill the holes using gum. 

It all came to blows one day when she confronted me about my distant behaviour. Things just ended then and there. It wasn’t really that dramatic, like most arguments are in movies… more sad. I think it was because both of us knew what was happening, why we were growing apart. But both of us were too scared to broach the subject. 

Yasmina probably didn’t want to cross a line and make false accusations… and I was too deep inside my own head, that I had convinced myself that everything that was happening was normal. 

I know that she feels guilty for leaving me at such a low point in my life. She told me she should have known how much I was struggling. I was like her brother; how couldn’t she have realised? Even though I know how hard she tried to keep me in her life and protect me, she still blamed herself a lot. That was one of the hardest things for me. She didn’t deserve all of that nonsense in her head. 

But that’s why she is so protective of me now. She doesn’t want the same thing to happen again. She wants to make sure I was never hurt like before. 

Zoë cooed at me “What sort of stuff does he send you? He seems like a really tough guy on the outside, a real badass… is he sweet and soft with you?” 

Sander was one of the sweetest people I had ever met in my life. From the get-go he has been so supportive and comforting to me. He is also really respectful of my boundaries, never pushing me to do anything I am not comfortable with. It is a relief being with someone who does not fill me with constant anxiety. 

“He is” I told them “He send me good morning and goodnight messages almost every day and he made me a playlist with songs for when I am alone at the shop and want to listen to music” 

I smiled, remembering our first meeting. It was still embarrassing thinking about how he had seen my uncoordinated limbs flailing about, but he hadn’t seem put off yet, so I counted it as a win. Dancing was strictly off the list of things he could see me do again, though. The risk of him losing interest was way too high. 

“A playlist? Do you even listen to music that much, though?” Zoë asked “You seem kind of irritated by it when we play it through the speakers at the shop”

Yasmina beamed “Of course, Robbe always used to listen to all sorts of music when we were kids. He would always be walking around humming songs” 

“Aww, that’s so cute! How come you don’t do that anymore?” 

I shrugged “Just figured out I couldn’t sing” 

Philip figured out I couldn’t sing. He told me, since none of my other friends were kind enough to tell me the truth, that my singing sucked. I was tone deaf and nobody should be subjected to my awful voice trying to break out into song. So, I stopped. 

“You were pretty good, from what I remember” Yasmina said, looking puzzled 

“Nah, I was rubbish. No need to try and make me feel better about it, I know I couldn’t sing” 

Just before she was about to say something more, my phone was buzzing again 

“Ooh, what has he said now?” Zoë asked, walking over and sitting down next to me to get a glimpse of my phone 

I tore my eyes away from Yasmina’s concerned face in favour of staring at the message 

_ Sander: I know we only saw each other a few days ago  _

_ but would you want to come over at the weekend?  _

_ I miss you x  _

My eardrums almost burst from Zoë’s excited squeals 

“He is just too cute!” 

“I know” I replied, feeling the blush burning on my face 

“You should go and see him” Yasmina told me 

I looked across at her “Really, you think?” 

She nodded “Yeah, I think it would do you good being around someone that makes you so happy” 

“Go for it, Robbe” Zoë chimed in “you deserve this” 

_ Me: I’d love to  _ 😊

_ Sander: Great!  _

_ The weekend can’t come soon enough  _

_ Me: silly man <3  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :) 
> 
> Sending you all lots of hugs ❤❤❤❤❤


	12. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Hope you are all doing well 
> 
> Not really much to say soo... enjoy :)

Robbe was laid out on the sofa dressed in my clothes. They hung off him but neither of us cared about it. He still managed to look stunning when he was dressed in my sweats. To be honest, he could wear a bin bag and I would still think he was the most gorgeous human being on the planet.

He had already been at my place for a couple of days and eventually ran out of his own clothes. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure if it was intentional or not but I was more than happy to lend him some of mine. Robbe looked insanely attractive, it would be a crime for me to deprive him of them.

I was on top of him, our lips connected and desperately clinging onto each other.

We had been kissing for so long that we were practically sharing the same breath and the amount of times we had almost rolled off was laughable, but both of us refused to move. We were too caught up in the feeling of one another to focus on anything else.

I moved down to his neck, sucking on the sensitive part underneath his ear and making him squirm underneath me

“Stop!” Robbe giggled, jabbing me lightly in the side “You know I’m ticklish there”

I pulled away, beaming “Yeah, I know”

“Meanie” he said, pouting

I just chuckled and tapped his nose lightly “And you are a cutie”

I brushed his curls to the side softly and pressed soft kisses to his forehead, moving down his face and nuzzling our noses together.

Just before I was about to connect our mouths together again, our bubble was burst by the obnoxious sound of my ringtone. In an instant, it became my most hated sound in the world.

I stayed curled up on Robbe for a second, listening to the sound

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” he asked

I shook my head “I don’t want to”

He laughed a little “It might be important, go on”

I groaned and got off him, picking my phone up off the table. Looking at the screen before I answered, I saw that it was my sister

“What?” I said, not trying to hide my annoyance

“Hello to you too” she answered, laughing “I do love your friendly greetings”

I rolled my eyes in response, drawling “Yeah, Hi Lilly so nice of you to call. What do you want?”

“I was just wondering if I could come over for a bit”

“Is Mum not there?” I asked, knowing the answer would be no. She only ever comes here when the house is empty. She doesn’t like to admit it, but she gets scared being alone

After everything happened, she didn’t like the emptiness that surrounded her and the silence that came with the absence of other people. She hates the way her thoughts are able to wander onto other things when she is alone, allowing her to think about things she would rather bury deep inside.

I could relate to that. But I had learnt how to not let the thought of certain things surface.

“No… she just left for work. So, can I?” she sounded almost desperate

I ran a hand through my hair and turned to look at Robbe. He looked so cute curled up on my sofa. I wanted to take full advantage of us having the place to ourselves. I convinced Senne to go out and see his friends, so we could chill and have full control over the TV without him barging in.

“Um… I actually have…” I didn’t know what to call him. He was so much more than a friend, but I couldn’t call him my boyfriend yet – as much as I wanted to “I have… someone over”

Robbe looked over at me, wide eyed and a questioning look on his face

“Please, Sander?” she begged

As much as I wanted to deny her coming over and killing the mood, I could not carry on with my night, knowing full well the state Lilly would be in by the time Mum got home to her. If there was a way for me to make her relaxed this evening instead of making her stay inside the house of her nightmares, I could not say no.

I put the phone to my chest, covering the speaker

“It’s my sister” I told Robbe in a hushed voice, just in case she could still hear “She wants to come over… is that ok? I know it was going to just be us-”

He waved his hands, dismissing my doubts “Of course! It’s not a problem”

I smiled at him gratefully and put the phone back against my ear

“Yeah, you can come Lil. Just be aware that someone else is round too”

“Ooh, is it your _special someone_?” she said in a teasing tone, already sounding less distressed

I snorted “Shut up. See you soon”

“Love you, Sandy”

“Love you too”

I hung up the phone and tossed it back onto the table, immediately going back to being curled up with Robbe. I wanted to be with him like this for as long as I could before Lilly came and ruined the romantic atmosphere.

I squeezed him tightly “Thanks for being so cool about her coming over”

He gently nuzzled his nose against mine and left butterfly kisses on my face

“You don’t need to thank me, Sander. She’s your sister… family is one of the most important things there is”

“How are you even real?” I breathed before bringing our lips back together, trying to pour all my gratitude into it, hoping he would understand my unspoken communication. Judging by his reciprocation, he did.

***

I had Robbe snuggled up in my arms when we heard the small tap at the door.

I groaned, cuddling up tighter to him, not wanting to get up from the comfortable position that I was in. It was just so warm and cosy having his warm body nestled against mine.

“Sander” Robbe whispered into the material of my t-shirt

“Hmm?”

He let out a tired sigh “Your sister is at the door; you need to go let her in”

Lilly knocked again, louder this time

“Sander! Can you open the door, please?” she yelled

I got up and opened the door for her, only after being practically shoved by Robbe off the sofa.

I greeted her with a smile and pulled her into a tight hug “Hey Lil”

“Nice of you to finally let me in”

I tutted and rolled my eyes in annoyance “You have only just got here, don’t make me kick you out”

She pushed me lightly “Someone’s grumpy today”

“Maybe because you interrupted my afternoon…?”

A knowing look passed over her face, her lips curling into a smile “Oh yeah… you have a _friend_ round… mind if I go and say hi?”

I gestured towards the living room “be my guest”

To tell the truth, I was nervous about the two of them meeting each other. The main worry was that they would not get along. It was probably irrational, they are both nice people, very welcoming to others. It was just that I so desperately wanted things to go well.

Lilly waltzed into the room and locked eyes with Robbe, who was still lounging on the sofa. It looked like he had been running his hands through his hair while I had left the room, a nervous movement that I had picked up on him doing. His locks were sticking up a little, but it just added to the cute ‘just rolled out of bed’ look he had going on.

An easy smile came over his face when he saw her

“Hi” he greeted, giving a small wave “I’m Robbe”

She grinned back “Lilly, it’s nice to meet you”

She turned around, seemingly putting her bags down, and looked at me with her mouth gaping “he is so cute” she mouthed, putting her thumb up discreetly

“He’s mine” I whispered back as I passed her to go sit back in my place next to him

I couldn’t blame her though. After all, the biggest heart throb in the entirety of Belgium was right in front of her.

Anyone in their right mind would feel their heart skip a beat when Robbe looked at them. It would be odd if anyone could look at such a gorgeous human being without feeling a least a little weak at the knees. God knows, I felt that way every time I so much as caught a glance of him.

We decided, to pass the time, to watch a movie. It took us a while to decide. A longer than normal amount of time, I would say.

None of us could agree on a movie. Well… it was more that Lilly and I couldn’t agree. Robbe remained very impartial for most of our debates. That is, until Lilly brought up Romeo and Juliet.

They both ganged up on me on that front, agreeing that Romeo and Juliet was the way to go. I didn’t particularly want to watch a sappy movie that was going to make us all cry, but they insisted and who was I to go against their wishes? They both had massive puppy eyes that I just could not say no to.

They widened them bigger than I thought possible, sticking out their bottom lips and cradling their faces with their hands. The sight was too adorable. It would take someone completely heartless to deny them of what they wanted.

They both bonded over their massive crushes on young Leo, gushing over how gorgeous he was. I was more into brunettes myself, but each to their own.

Sure enough, by the end of the movie, I had two people sobbing on either side of me. They both had their heads buried into each of my shoulders and wiping their tears on my t-shirt.

Obviously, I was crying too. Not as much as them but a few tears were shed. Robbe looked up, noticing the tear tracks on my face and kissed my cheek gently

“Don’t cry, baby” he whispered soothingly

I almost didn’t register what he said but when I did the whole world stopped for a second. Baby. He had just called me _baby._ I didn’t know what to say. Had he meant it or was he making fun of me for crying and calling me a literal baby? It wasn’t like I could ask him with my little sister sitting right next to me, that would just be embarrassing. So, I just settled for tangling our fingers together and squeezing his hand tightly.

Lily must have heard because she gave me nudge with her elbow. When I looked over at her she was smirking, a knowing look on her face.

“You two are adorable” she mouthed to me

I rolled my eyes, feeling my face flushing slightly and gestured for her to keep watching the screen instead of me.

***

All three of us were sat together, jostling each other with our shoulders. I had put Mario Kart on so we could all play it. As it turned out, we were all crazy competitive. The room was full of our screams of protests and anguish. Sometimes cheering, but quite rarely. We sabotaged one another so much that it was really hard to win.

“Sander, get out of my way!” Lilly screamed, desperately pushing on her controller as if that would make her go faster

I laughed maniacally, cockily making my way towards the finishing line. Almost the entire way around the course, I had been at the front. The win was in the bag as far as I was concerned.

Then, before I knew what was happening, a red shell had hit me. I went rolling across the track, skidding to a halt.

“Take that” Robbe cried beside me, nudging me with his elbow

I looked at the screen helplessly, trying to continue and regain my place but I knew it was not going to happen. Robbe had already passed us both and flown beyond the finish line, pumping his fists in the air both in the game and in person.

“You suck” Lilly muttered

I wasn’t sure if she was talking about my skills on the game or Robbe because he won. I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with either.

“Happy now?” I asked him “You have destroyed us both”

He grinned at me “Oh yeah, that is the only reason I’m here… you didn’t know? I just wanted the Mario Kart trophy. Now that it is in my possession, I can be on my way”

Robbe made a move to get up, but before he could, I had grabbed him round the waist and pulled him on top of me. He burst into peals of laughter, practically becoming putty in my hands.

I locked eyes with him, green burning into brown

“You didn’t think you were going to leave that easily, did you?”

Lilly coughed beside us, looking at her phone “Yeah, um, Mum just sent me a message…”

We turned to look at her, both a little surprised when she spoke. It was a little harsh but her presence had been momentarily forgotten.

To be fair, I had warned her that there was someone here. Plus, it wasn’t just any random person… it was the one guy who could weaken me with just a glance. Anyone would be rightfully distracted.

“Oh… what did she say?” I asked, turning my attention fully… ok mostly, to her

“She’s heading home from work, so I better go back too”

Truthfully, I hadn’t realised how fast the day had flown by. It must be true what they say, time flies when you’re having fun.

“Ok, want me to walk you to the door?”

She nodded, jumping up to get her stuff

“Bye, Robbe!” Lilly said sweetly “Hope to see you again sometime soon”

“For sure, it was great meeting you” He replied, giving the same unsure wave he did earlier. So adorable.

We left him in the living room, heading to the front door to say our goodbyes. I would have offered to walk her home, but she always refused anyway. She always wants to keep some control for herself, not wishing for all of her life to be controlled by the fear in her head.

“Bye-” I began to say, before Lilly cut me off, a menacing look on her face

“Shh, I need to say this” she hissed, purposely turning down the volume of her voice “Is Robbe your boyfriend?”

I was baffled by the question “Um… I… Uh, no? I guess he isn’t”

She rolled her eyes, tutting at me “You’re not serious, right? You guys are so in love, it’s disgusting”

“Lilly don’t be stupid… neither of us know if Robbe feels the same. I want him to be my boyfriend, but he might not want that”

“Oh, come on. Don’t be an idiot San” she hit me on the arm in frustration “I have only been with you guys for a few hours… but the whole time he has looked at you like you put the sun in the sky. He is so into you. So, if you are going to ask him, do it quick… because he won’t wait forever for you to get it together”

Lilly stepped forwards and wrapped her arms around me, squeezing me tight

“Bye, Sandy” she said teasingly, before starting to walk away

“Bye, Lil” I called after her, smiling

I almost couldn’t believe what she had told me. Obviously, I knew Robbe was into me. He had made that much clear before. But I genuinely thought that I was imagining the little looks he gave me. The passing gazes and the quick touches across my body. The implication that he would want something serious and committed with me.

“You ok, Sander?” Robbe asked, appearing in the doorway

I ran over to him as soon as I saw him there, bringing his body towards mine and kissing him like I wanted to for hours.

He pressed back to me in an instant, his soft lips moving against mine. I could hear the way he sighed against me, like it was an instant relief, and feel his hand interlocking with mine. I’m not sure when he had grabbed it, but it didn’t feel like an extra weight. If anything, my hand had felt empty all day.

In that moment, all I could think about was one thing. I was going to ask this boy to mine. I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I love to headcanon Sander as having a little sister, hope you liked the character too 
> 
> (I have an injury on my arm which means I can't write as much for a little while. So, I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out but fingers crossed it won't be long)


	13. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! 
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well, happy February! 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter... :)

Things had gone great with Sander when I had gone round at the weekend. I had even met his sister, Lilly. She was great, so funny. She even agreed with me on my opinions of young Leo, which Sander was dead set against.

It was all so amazing. I felt totally relaxed and at peace when I was hanging out with them. Being like that was so refreshing instead of the normal on-edge feeling that normally took over my body and made me overthink every little thing.

With Sander, he had already made me feel so safe and secure. I felt such an overwhelming amount for him all at once. Never, had I believed that I would be so happy when that messy haired brunette walked into the shop. But that’s the way it turned out.

I was on my way to his place. I hadn’t been round for a while and we hadn’t really been texting because we were busy with customers. It had been long enough being apart from him, though.

I tapped at the door and stood back, waiting for it to be opened

“Hey, Robbe” Senne greeted me happily

Just as I was about to reply, he was shoved out of the way

The next thing I knew, there were strong arms wrapped around me and my feet were no longer touching the floor

“Hi there” I giggled, squeezing Sander tight

“I missed you” he mumbled into my neck, running his lips over the skin there, a ghost of a kiss yet still causing shivers to run down my spine

“It’s only been a week” I said as nonchalantly as I could

I had actually been aching to be with him ever since I last left his side. It was crazy. The longer we spent time apart, the more I wanted to see him, hold him.

He sighed “That’s way too long”

Senne cleared his throat from behind us

“Guys, do you really have to make me feel so single in my own flat? This is my safe space”

Sander put me down and peered towards him with a slightly humorous look

“As if you haven’t had girls over here all the time”

“That’s different, you two actually have chemistry and it’s oozing all over the flat”

“You’re ridiculous” Sander snorted

I just stood between them, listening to them snipe at each other, the teasing tones clearly showing in their voices. It was nice seeing them interact like that, taking jibes at each other but knowing the other can take it. It must be great for them to have that secure relationship and not be afraid to not be constantly complimentary.

Sander kept moving his arm up and down my back, rubbing soothing circles.

If we had to spend our whole time standing like that, there would not be any complaints from me.

“We’re going now anyway” Sander said to Senne

“Wow, are you ever going to let me talk to Robbe properly?” he crossed his arms, pouting “You always find an excuse to take him away”

“If it was up to me, no. You will only end up humiliating me”

Sander went and grabbed his coat from the hook next to us

I turned to Senne, grinning “Don’t worry, we’ll be back later and I can hang out with you. Sander can just chill in his room or something”

“Sounds like a plan”

“Maybe not tonight…” Sander mumbled, shifting slightly on his feet

I peered round to look at him. As far as I knew we didn’t really have anything planned for the evening, unless I was just that forgetful. Just as I was about to ask further, Senne cut off my thoughts with his incessant laughter.

“There we go again with your excuses” He chuckled “I’m hanging out with Robbe later, whether you like it or not”

I giggled along with him, agreeing

Sander snorted “See? You’re already ganging up on me”

Senne just shrugged, an easy smile coming over his face “What can I say? Me and Robbe just have a special bond”

Sander tightened his grip on me, bringing me almost flat against him

“Umm… how about you back off?” he said sweetly, the passive aggressiveness clear

Senne raised his eyebrows, looking at me in the eyes and smiling

“Did you hear that, Robbe? He is trying to keep us apart”

I shrugged, an action that was quite difficult considering the way Sander was holding me

“Maybe I’ll have to consider the roommate I’m here for then” I said, teasingly

I glanced beside me, looking at the boy beside me. He had a stony look on his face, looking the grumpiest I had ever seen him. The jealousy radiating off him was almost laughable.

It was crazy to me that someone like Sander would even have a hint of jealousy towards someone like me. He was the impressive one. He was the one that people should fawn over. Nobody spares me a second glance, so the fact that I could feel his possessiveness kicking in was kind of odd for me. I hadn’t expected it at all.

“Aww, look at his face” Senne cooed

I tilted my head up and brushed my nose against his cheek, feeling him leaning into the touch

It was a fleeting moment, but one that I was sure that I would treasure forever.

***

Sander and I decided to go play some laser tag, down at the local arcade. He had suggested it, thinking that I had never done it before. I actually had, a few times actually. Yasmina and her brother would bring me along sometimes on the weekends. It was a lot of fun.

I decided to withhold that information, though. It was not like I specifically told Sander that I had never done it. I just decided not to correct him when he assumed so.

It was actually kind of sweet though. He tried to talk me through what to do before we went in, even when we were put on different teams. Sander didn’t seem bothered by the fact that he may be helping me to beat him. I really liked that selflessness about him. Today though? He was probably going to regret being nice to me.

Laser tag was when my ruthless side came out. I had not done it for years, so all that passion for blasting beams of light had been festering inside of me. When I finally began to play, it was very likely that it was going to burst out of me all at once.

“I can stay with you, if you want” Sander said kindly, as we started the game

We were walking through the dimly lit corridors, the only sources of light being the brightly colours vests of the players and the LED lights dotted along the walls.

I looked over at him, smiling gratefully “That would be great, thank you”

“Of course! I’ll protect you… my team will probably hate me for it, but I don’t care”

“My knight in shining armour” I giggled

Little did he know that the knight was about to get an epic beat down from the ‘damsel in distress’.

We crept round corners, trying to hide from the other competitors. Luckily, there were not many other people playing at that time, so it wasn’t too difficult not to be seen.

Sander kept making sure to turn around and check that I was ok. It was kind of making me feel a bit guilty for what I was planning on doing, but there were no friends in laser tag, contrary to his beliefs.

He must have noticed my slightly wary expression because he reached out and grabbed my hands, giving it a little reassuring squeeze.

“Hey… I’m not going to shoot you, don’t worry” he told me quietly, whispering so our location would not be given away

I lifted my hand and wiped it across my forehead, trying to act relieved “Thanks for the confirmation, I can play at ease now”

“Not a problem” he said, winking

We continued our journey around, until I spotted a somewhat secluded spot. I knew that it was the perfect place to carry out my plan. So, I decided to bite the bullet and set it into action.

“Hey, Sander” I hissed, causing him to turn around and face me

I scanned around us quickly, making sure there was nobody lurking around us. Then I walked determinedly towards him, our eyes locked, and pushed him into the shadowy corner.

His mouth fell open a little and I could hear the sharp intake of breath he took as I pressed against him, making sure there was no space between our two bodies. As little as there could be, anyway. The vests that we were wearing jutted out a bit, making it impossible for complete physical contact.

“Robbe…” he sighed; his breathing laboured “What are you doing?”

I bit my lower lip, trying to hold back my smirk when I saw Sander’s eyes immediately drawn there.

“Nothing” I said, moving our faces closer together to make sure he could feel my breath “I just couldn’t keep away from you any longer”

I reached up and pulled his face into mine, kissing him with more fervour than I ever had before. Sander responded in an instant, grabbing onto my waist and holding me tighter than I thought was possible.

Both of us were pushing into the other, trying to take as much as we could. Sander was biting on my lower lip, an imitation of the thing I had previously teased him with.

After what must have been less than ten seconds, I abruptly moved away, separating myself from Sander’s clutches. It was hard, but it had to be done.

His eyes were still closed, clearly overwhelmed, but I was determined not to give in. I grabbed the gun attached to my vest and shot him without another thought.

The loud beeping that came from that action made him finally open his eyes. Sander looked down, gaping when he saw there was no longer any light in his laser gun.

“You little-”

I backed away quickly, a smile stretching from ear to ear

“Sorry, Sander… it had to be done”

Before I turned the corner, I blew him a quick kiss and winked, delighting in the bemused expression still pinned on his face.

I hoped that he would not be too mad at me. If I had pulled a stunt like that with Phil, he would have dragged me home that instant. He was never one to put up with any funny business, unless it was him doing it.

Sander did not seem like that sort of person, though. Based on what I heard about him and the things he had spoken to me about, he seemed like a chill guy. It was likely that he would find this whole thing funny.

Still, it was better to run and give him a chance to cool down if he was mad, than to stay and face his wrath.

***

After the game ended, I stood outside of the room, waiting for Sander to emerge.

When he finally did, he locked eyes on me immediately, moving forwards menacingly

“You’re mine now, IJzermans” he said, grinning like the Cheshire cat

Before he could make any move towards me, I had sprinted away. I wove through the crowds of people with the agility of a wild animal, trying not to send anyone else or myself flying with my speed.

I made it outside, running down the road as fast as my legs could carry me. Which was not very quick at all, but at least I tried.

He gave chase and I could hear both of our footsteps thundering across the pavement as we ran. The sounds of our manic laughter mingling together as it echoed off the buildings.

It was probably the freest I had ever felt, despite someone trying to catch me. Just the way I was able to run around and shout as loud as I wanted without any bother. Sure, the people in their houses probably weren’t very fond of me, but there was nobody telling me no. That was a very rare thing for me.

I made it about a block, which was quite impressive on all accounts, before Sander caught me. He wrapped his arms around my middle and picked me up easily, just as he had done when he first saw me that morning.

He spun me around in circles until I could no longer distinguish anything. All the buildings surrounding me turned into a massive blur, blending into one.

“Sander!” I squealed, begging for mercy “Put me down”

“Have you learnt your lesson?” he asked, chuckling

“Yes, I will never shoot you again!”

He lowered me to the ground and held onto me as I adjusted, the world still tilting from side to side.

“You ok there?” Sander asked, noticing my dazed expression

I looked around, trying to find something to focus on and find my centre of balance.

Across the road, I noticed a man. He was quite tall, although it was difficult for me to tell at that moment, and he had a head of sandy blonde hair. The hair was what made me keep my eyes on him. It was so familiar… but it was not a good familiarity. It was something that made me want to vomit. Something that made me feel like a weight had been put on my chest.

Phil always styled his hair like that.

“Robbe?” Sander said softly, stroking my face gently with his thumb “I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t mean to make you this dizzy”

I tore my eyes away and looked back at Sander. It was too scary to keep staring at the guy over the road. Obviously, I still couldn’t see properly. Things were still slightly spinning. The possibility that it was actually him was so small. Yet, I did not want to chance it. If he turned around and I saw his face… I wasn’t sure what I would do.

“Could we go home, now?” I asked Sander, my voice sounding so much smaller than it had the last time I spoke

“Of course, we can,” Sander told me “Want me to give you a piggyback, or can you walk on your own?”

“Piggyback?” I asked hopefully, a small smile coming over my face when he let me jump onto his back

I clung on for dear life as we made our way back to Sander’s flat. My head stayed firmly buried in his neck the entire journey, even though we had turned multiple corners.

It wasn’t like that blonde guy was going to follow us. I knew that deep down. But the thought of it still scared me. The thought of _him_ still scared me, as much as I tried to convince myself it didn’t.

***

Things were a little quiet when we got back. We had gone to Sander’s room and sat on his bed, listening to his Spotify playlist.

He could probably sense the elephant in the room, but instead of probing me for information he just took my hand and sat there silently. It was kind of nice just having the comfort of the music and the gentle touching of his finger tracing the lines on my palm.

I was trying to empty my mind of what I had seen out on the street. Realistically, I knew that it was not what I was thinking. There was just no way it could be, my mind was just playing a cruel trick on me. There had just been so many nightmares of it, that my head was trying to convince me that it had become a reality.

“Would you like me to get you something?” Sander proposed

“Um… I’m not sure”

He pressed three short kisses to my cheek before getting up

“Ok, I’m gonna make some tea for both of us, just in case”

My heart soared because of his kindness. He was always so sweet to me, even when my moods were a little questionable. Sander truly was one of the best people I ever had the pleasure of having in my life.

“Sander?” I called out just as he was about to turn the corner

“Yeah?”

“Thanks”

He sent me one of his blinding smiles, before trundling off to make us some drinks.

I continued to sit on his bed and listened intently to the song that came up next on Sander’s playlist. Heroes by David Bowie.

I looked over my shoulder quickly, checking that neither of the boys were nearby, before I started softly singing along to the music

It was always nerve wracking for me to sing nowadays. When I was younger, I had no inhibitions, belting out tunes as if there weren’t groups of people surrounding me. There was nothing that really bothered me about the sets of eyes that fixated on me when I sang.

It was something that relaxed me. It was somewhat of a stress reliever for me. I could just forget about everything bothering me and focus on the lyrics, getting lost in the feel of the music.

Philip put a stop to that. He was probably right about everything he said. The snipes about me being tone deaf. The comments about cat’s being strangled whenever I so much as hummed a tune. It was humiliating.

After the whole ordeal with him, I vowed not to sing in front of people again. Firstly, because I didn’t want to offend them with my awful singing, but also because I didn’t want to go through that shame again.

It didn’t stop me from singing on my own though. Much like my dancing, it was something that I allowed myself the small pleasure of doing by myself. If there was nobody else around me to witness it, I could try and convince myself that it wasn’t so bad.

And I wanted to try this time, to see if I could take my mind off what happened earlier. It couldn’t hurt to try.

“Wow” I heard a voice mutter behind me

I ceased singing immediately, turning around to face them

Sander was smiling at me, his eyes sparkling

“Sorry” I rushed to say “I was just… I know that it’s not good I-”

“What on earth are you talking about?” he asked, clearly confused judging by the way his nose scrunched up “You sounded incredible, Robbe!”

I shook my head. It was almost worse that he was being nice about it. It gave me a false sense of hope, which had a certain level of cruelty in it. I would prefer for us to just ignore it ever happened instead of him showering me in fake compliments.

“You don’t have to…”

Sander set down the tea on his desk and took three steps, coming to stand in front of me and cupping face gentler than I thought possible

“Robbe… listen to me” he said softly, looking deep into my eyes “I’m saying it because I mean it, ok? I really mean it”

I rolled my eyes, about to laugh it off

“Baby…” Sander rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks, I was surprised that the combination of those two things didn’t turn me into a puddle on the floor “I didn’t think there was anything else that you could possibly do, I mean you already excel at everything. But… you continue to amaze me by showing that you’re also an amazing singer”

“San-”

He cut me off by pulling me towards him and pressing our lips together. It was such a sweet kiss, I could feel all the reassurances Sander was trying to put into it. It didn’t stop me from feeling bad about the whole situation, but it definitely helped a little.

I reached up, gabbing his t-shirt and curling the material in my fists, trying to get him even closer to me. I could feel the way his smile grew as it moved against mine.

We eventually broke away from each other, although still staying close enough to bump our noses together.

 _You’re everything I have ever needed,_ I thought

 _Where have you been all my life?_ I thought

 _I love you,_ I thought

But I didn’t say it.

“I truly meant it, Robbe” Sander whispered, nuzzling his nose against mine slightly “you are… you are _extraordinary_ ”

I didn’t know what to reply, so I wrapped my arms around him and brought him even closer, pressing the entirety of my body up against his and burying my head in his neck.

It was something I found myself doing often. I wasn’t really sure why, but it made me feel safe. That closeness and intimacy made me feel so much calmer. It grounded me.

Sander leant his head on top of mine and gripped me tightly. His arms were wound tightly around my waist, gripping on tightly, a reminder that he was here for me and not going anywhere. At least, I hoped that’s what it meant.

He swayed us both from side to side, an attempt at a slow dance. We continued even after the song had ended, staying wrapped up in each other’s arms. If the parallel universes Sander told me about did exist, I hoped that every version of myself got to live out that moment. Because it was perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this my apology... maybe not for this one... but... 👀


	14. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I wasn't going to post this yet, but here we are anyway 
> 
> Hope you like it... and I'm sorry...

I was sat in the kitchen with Zoë and Yasmina, chatting with them about everything and nothing. It was really nice talking to the girls, they were both so nice and welcoming to me. They really made me feel at home with them.

It was around the third day in a row that I had stayed there. Robbe had suddenly become even more clingy than before, wanting me by his side as much as possible. I had asked if he wanted to come over to my place, but he had asked me to come to his and who was I to refuse?

There did seem to be something wrong with him. Ever since we went to laser tag, he had been a little off. I just could not put my finger on what it was. I didn’t want to ask either, it may have just made things one hundred times worse.

I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend that day, I really was. If the day had gone according to plan, I would have asked him in the evening. Things were going great, we were both really happy and having a good time but then things took a dip. It was like something switched in his head, he seemed completely different in almost a split second. So, I decided to hold off until he was feeling better. After all, piling something on him when he was sad was not the solution.

“Hey” a voice said, and I felt small hands wrapping round me from behind

“Hi, Robbe” I replied, feeling the smile grow on my face

Zoë and Yasmina were both sat there with smug grins on their faces. It made me feel like blushing redder than a tomato, but I held my cool, trying to focus on Robbe instead of their gazes.

“Want to come hang out in my room?” he mumbled into my hair

I nodded, wanting nothing more than to be alone with him.

I got up, sparing an apologetic glance towards the girls, before I allowed Robbe to drag me away by the hand.

“Actually…” I said, as we wandered through the hallway “I brought my bike with me today, want to go for a ride?”

He turned to look at me, squinting his eyes a little “And when you say bike, you mean…?”

I snorted “A motorbike… you do know what they are right?”

Robbe smacked me lightly on the arm, suppressing the smile on his face

“Yes, I know what a motorbike is” he cried huffily “I haven’t been on one before though…”

I stepped forward, cupping his face and bringing mine down to brush our noses together

“Well, I’ll be there to protect you… just hang on real tight and it will all be fine”

His eyes crinkled as he smiled at me brightly “I don’t think that will be a problem”

I had hoped it wouldn’t be

***

The thought on its own of Robbe clinging to me during a journey was enough to make my heart flutter. Having the real thing happen almost made me swoon. Which, thinking back on it, probably wasn’t the safest thing to be doing…

I could feel the entirety of his body pressed up against my back, even through the thick layers that I had him put on. He tried to get out of it, telling me he didn’t need to be wearing so much. But I knew from experience, that falling off was extremely painful and I was not going to let even the tiniest hair on that lovely boy’s head be harmed.

As well as wearing thick layers of clothing, he was also sporting my spare helmet on his head. It was adorned with a bunch of stickers that Noor had made, they were all seriously cool, based on designs she had previously created. It looked completely out of place on his head, yet it was so endearing. I had wanted to take a picture straight away, capturing that moment forever but I knew he was still coming around to the idea of being on people’s camera rolls, so I decided against it. He was already in kind of a dim mood, there was nothing I wanted more than to lift his spirits. I feared that getting my camera out may have made it worse.

“This is incredible!” I heard Robbe gleefully yelling “Why haven’t we done this sooner?”

All I could do was chuckle. Knowing that he was having a good time was enough for me, there was nothing that I needed to add.

Then, out the corner of my eye, I could see Robbe’s arm stretching around me. His phone was in his hand, gripped tightly with his fingers. They were almost turning white by how hard he was clutching it.

I wanted to ask what he was doing but thought maybe he would stop if I did. So, I kept quiet, basking in the happiness that washed over me knowing that Robbe was enjoying himself.

That was all I wanted. Robbe being happy. The sound of his laugh was the thing that brought me joy.

We had been going round for so long that we had neared my neighbourhood. So, I decided that I would park up and have a rest before turning around and taking Robbe back home. I hadn’t done it before, and I wanted to be a gentleman for once instead of forcing him to come and stay at my flat all the time.

Robbe seemed to be aware of the fact I kept luring him away from his own flat as he gave me a knowing look

“You know… if you wanted me to come to your place, you could have just asked”

“This was completely unintentional” I claimed, putting my hands up in a surrender “I swear!”

He nodded “Sure, I believe you”

Robbe began walking away, sauntering down the street. I could only stand there, watching him. He just looked so perfect; I was powerless to do anything else other than stare.

He turned back, grinning at me “Well, are you coming?”

_Anywhere you go, I’ll come_

“Yeah” I called after him, running to catch up

***

We had been walking around for a while, basically doing laps around the block. It seemed to be something we did a lot – walk aimlessly. We never really had a purpose, or somewhere we were going in particular. It was just enjoyable to be in the company of one another. Sometimes speaking was not even needed. Just the mere presence of standing next to each other was enough.

“So…” I said eventually “Are you going to tell me what you were doing on your phone earlier?”

He peered up at me, seeming shy

“Oh, um…”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to” I told him “I was just wondering”

He just shrugged, retrieving his phone from his pocket

“No, no, it’s ok. I don’t mind… I did it so that we could both look at them anyway”

Robbe unlocked it and scrolled through his camera roll, showing me the pictures he took during our journey. Most of them were blurred, showing that the camera was shaking when they were taken. But I couldn’t remember any pictures that I loved as much as those.

Both of us had the biggest smiles on our faces. Even though they weren’t clear shots, you could see how lit up they were, especially Robbe’s. He looked so full of glee. It made me feel so full inside just looking at him.

“Do you like them?” Robbe asked, his voice shaking a little with nervousness “I’m not a photographer or anything – that’s Yas, but…”

I met his gaze, as much as he tried to avoid eye contact

“Robbe, I love them! Seriously, they are great. We both look great in them”

“You can barely see our faces!”

“I’m sticking to my original statement” I said stubbornly “Even when I can’t see your face, you are still the most beautiful person there is”

Robbe scoffed and shook his head, there was a small smile on his face though.

At that moment, I knew I had to do it. I had to ask him the question I had been holding back on for weeks.

Sure, I wanted it to be extremely romantic… possibly with candles and bouquets of flowers. But that all took so much planning and I didn’t want to waste any more time. I didn’t want the moment to slip through my fingers again. I had to do it and find out if he truly did feel the same as me. I had to find out if he really did want to call himself mine… and I could call myself his, even though my heart already had his name written all over it.

It was kind of weird, I had never really been one for being called someone else’s property. I didn’t understand the appeal of being an object to a person. But it made sense to me when I started hanging out with Robbe. It wasn’t about owning… it was about caring, taking care of their heart and making sure it was kept intact.

“Hey” I said, stopping in the path and facing him

He spun towards me, a dubious expression on his face

“Is everything ok?” Robbe asked “Why did we stop?”

“I have something to say… well, more like something I want to ask”

I shuffled a little on the spot, not having anticipated the amount of nerves that would fill me when the moment came.

“Alright… is it something serious?”

“Um, I guess it depends on your definition of serious”

He giggled “Ok, then. What’s the question?”

_Just do it,_ I thought, _It doesn’t have to be hard… just say five simple words ‘will you be my boyfriend?”_

Obviously, my mouth did not listen to my brain. It was no surprise though, it rarely did.

“I was thinking about something recently… thinking about it a lot. It, um, doesn’t – you don’t… don’t feel like you have to agree to anything just because I’m asking, ok? It’s just that…” I groaned, annoyed at myself for screwing up a simple question. One that I had been practicing and agonizing over for weeks, yet still not able to get right in the moment

Robbe was standing there looking around, not right at me, which I was kind of glad for as eyes on me at that moment probably would have made me even more anxious. It took off some of the pressure, not having to make eye contact.

“What I am trying to say is… Would you, um, want to – would you want to be my boyfriend? Officially, I mean”

I glanced at him again, although I wished I hadn’t. He looked horrified. His mouth was hung open and eyes widened in shock. Yet, not in the good way. Not in the way you would want someone to be pleasantly surprised. Robbe looked like he was about to faint. The colour had drained from his face almost completely.

“I’m sorry…” he said, sounding distant “I have to go”

He started walking away, practically running to get some distance between us.

“Robbe, wait!” I called, going after him

“Just… just let me go” he shouted back, not letting me catch up with him

I probably could have done, I’d done it before. But I thought it best to just give him some space. He clearly didn’t want to be around me at that point.

I stood there, crestfallen, as I watched him walk away.

After I he had turned the corner, still in a full on sprint, I turned around and went back the way I came. My bike was still parked up at the side of the road, the helmets side my side. It probably shouldn’t have been as heartbreaking to look at as it was.

Asking him that question had been a massive mistake. Things had been fine as they were. I shouldn’t have tried to change anything, it just drove him away. I knew piling things on top of him would do no good, yet I decided to do it anyway.

I was a complete idiot and I had ruined everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I'm sorry!


	15. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! 
> 
> What even is a post schedule? how do people do that and not get so impatient about posting? I could never. It hasn't even been a full week and I'm posting this... oh well it's fine 
> 
> Hope you like it!

I felt terrible about the way I had left things with Sander, he was probably so confused. There was nothing else I could have done, though. I needed to get out of there as quickly as possible and I didn’t want to explain why to Sander. I couldn’t.

We had been having such a great day. It had made me feel so much better after the whole incident outside of laser tag. Everything was just starting to feel right again.

Sander was speaking to me. I think he was trying to ask me something, but I couldn’t be sure. All I could really hear was him stumbling over his words.

When I looked behind him, I spotted the person I was dreading.

Phil was stood there.

But the most terrifying thing was that he was already staring at me. He knew I was there, and he had been watching. Not even approaching me, just watching… waiting.

It was so unnerving that I couldn’t focus on anything Sander was saying. It was just white noise to me, as horrible as that sounds. Obviously, I wanted to listen, but all I could think about was Philip.

The only thing I could do was get out of there as soon as possible.

Sander tried to follow me, but I told him not to. He would have wanted to know what was wrong. That was a conversation I wasn’t ready to have with anyone, let alone him. He would think I was damaged and drop me for sure. I wouldn’t blame him either. He needed to go out and live his life, not be weighed down with me and all of my baggage.

I got home in a daze, not really one hundred percent sure how I got back. The main thing was that I was there, though.

Yasmina seemed concerned from the get-go. Trying to mother me as soon as I got through the door. She tried to embrace me, get me to tell her why I looked so shaken. I just brushed her off and went to my room. She called after me, of course she did. But I refused to reply. There were just no words that I could say at that moment. The only thing that my body may have been able to have conjured up was a load of frightful screams. And those would not have helped my case in being left alone.

I had been curled up in my bed since then. It had been at least a few days, I would guess. They had all just blended into one. Time was ticking away, faster than I had even known it to.

Since I saw Philip, I had not wanted to do anything except lie underneath my blankets and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. I did not want anyone coming to see me, not the girls. Not Jens. Not Sander. No one.

I had turned off my phone and buried myself under a mound of blankets, trying to block the rest of the world out and pretend it didn’t exist. It was just better that way. I was better off by myself and the world was better off without me.

He scared the living daylights out of me when he showed up out of the blue… but it seemed like it wasn’t such a chance meeting. I am not one hundred percent sure… how could I be? But it had always been like that with Phil. He was always one step ahead of me. Combining that with the fact his eyes were already locked on me when I spotted him, like he had lined up his target and ready to strike. It was so unnerving.

That meant all my fears that had been living inside of me all this time had not been irrational at all. I was right to be terrified to leave my house because he was out there, probably scouring the streets until he found me again. Waiting to drag me down back into the depths of hell with him.

It was all going so well. I had actually been happy for once in my miserable life. Now I was right back where I was when I first escaped that soul sucking monster. He had ruined my chances at happiness yet again. Maybe I should have just succumbed to it and gone back to him. It would have probably saved a lot of time. I was locked in this flat anyway… might as well be locked over there with him.

There was a tap at my door and Yasmina walked in, not waiting for me to reply

“Hey, Robbe” she said softly, coming to sit at the end of my bed and being careful not to make contact with me

“What do you want, Yas?” I asked bluntly “I told you, I want to be left alone right now”

“And I am telling you again, that’s ridiculous” she said “we have given you time, sweetie… I don’t want to push you, but you have been locked in here for about a week. I’m not just going to stand by and let you fade away. You are my best friend. Talk to me. Tell me what is going through your head”

I couldn’t. There was no way I could tell her because if I started to open up then it would be like Pandora’s box. I don’t want them to look at me with pity in their eyes once I tell them what happened.

“What good would that do? It would just make us both depressed”

I looked her in the eyes. She looked physically pained and there were dark circles underneath her eyes indicating a lack of sleep.

“You can’t keep bottling things up” she told me “I wanted you to _want_ to come and talk to me on your own. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure you, Robbe. But if you carry on keeping all of this inside of you it won’t do you any good”

I shook my head “I don’t want to talk. Just leave me alone… please. Just leave”

I heard the faint sound of her snivelling. I hated that I was the person who was making her upset but that was just the type of person I was. Everyone who got close to me wound up hurt because I was a heartless wreck of a human being.

Philip always told me I was cruel to him. I thought he was just saying that to be mean and make me feel bad for a while, but now I know for sure that it’s true. All my friends have become sadder the longer they have known me, I have just brought them down into my own little bubble of despair.

“Robbe… please” Yasmina whispered “I love you so much, it hurts me to see you this way”

All I could think of was what Phil always said. He always told me he loved me too. That he could forgive me for hurting him because of how much he loved me. I didn’t want to put Yasmina through that same thing.

“Robbe” she repeated, trying to reach me in my daze “Robbe, I can tell that you are slipping back into that same mindset as before… just… just talk to me… _please_ ”

“How would you know how I was before?” I said through gritted teeth “When I was trapped in that prison… who was there, Yas? Me or you?”

“Well obviously you, but-”

“Exactly. It was me. So now _I_ am the one that is mentally stuck there again. Do you understand that Yasmina? I am stuck. Nothing I, you or anyone can say will make this any better or easier. So, just leave me alone”

I felt the weight being removed off the bed as she got up and the sounds of her sniffles getting quieter as she left the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

This is exactly what I knew would happen. I started to act like the person I truly was. The cruel, emotionless human being I was underneath the façade… and my friends were drawing back. They did not want to be associated with this version of me because it made them miserable, just as I suspected.

***

I woke up to a plate being placed down on my bedside table. The sweet smell of the waffles was almost enough to make me smile, before I realised that Zoë was standing there, looking at me with concern.

“Good morning, sweetie” she said softly, lifting her hand as if to brush through my hair but then retracting it quickly as if she decided it was better not to touch me

“If you say so” I mumbled

She bit her lip “I’m here you know” she said after a minute of silence

“I know that, you’re standing right there”

Zoë rolled her eyes and sighed a little “You know what I mean… I’m here if you want to talk”

I sat up a little, staring at her.

She was in the house when Yasmina tried talking to me. I didn’t exactly make my answer quiet, so she must have understood that talking to people was the last thing that I wanted to do.

“No”

“Robbe…”

“Maybe you didn’t catch it before… I don’t want to talk”

She still hovered, looking slightly nervous.

I wanted to reach out and grab her hand, pour out some reassurance for her and make her feel happy again like she had tried to do for me so many times before. But I couldn’t. I had so little happiness inside of me, the only thing I would pass onto her is the poison that courses through my veins.

“Could I say something then?” she asked, waiting for me to object and continuing when I stayed lying there in silence “I really think you should get in touch with Sander… you seemed to be getting on really well with him before. Going silent on him suddenly might make him think-”

“Zoë… I haven’t texted Sander for a very specific reason. I don’t want to”

That was so far from the truth that it hurt to say, but I couldn’t have her talk me round into talking to him. I had to make him keep his distance, being around me would just be a toxic environment for him.

“I don’t want to text him. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to see him”

“Robbe-”

“If, for some reason, he comes by… he can’t come in”

I could see her face fall even more and her eyes filled with sadness “Sweetie, you don’t want that…”

“I do. Just do not let him in if he comes by. It’s not a very difficult request”

She gave a little nod, holding her hands up in a surrender “Ok… well… if you change your mind, let me know. Enjoy the waffles”

I waited until she was gone until I put the waffle in my mouth, letting the sweet syrup run onto my tongue. It was a nice change to the bitterness that I had felt in me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More apologies... sorry 😬


	16. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could wait a week and have some sort of schedule... but dropping it randomly in the week just gives it a bit of ✨spice✨

I had been worried about Robbe ever since he ran away from me. It had been almost a week of radio silence, which was not like him at all. Normally we would be texting non-stop, checking up on each other or just sending funny messages. It had been torture not exchanging any words with him.

It was all my fault. If I hadn’t asked him that stupid question, then he would probably still be talking to me. He would be talking my ear off about all the things he found interesting. He would be cuddling into my side after a long day.

“Maybe he is just super wiped out from work and turned off his phone to avoid any distractions for a while?” Noor suggested “I wouldn’t look too much into it, if I were you”

“As much as I appreciate that, Noor” I said, biting my lip nervously “He ran away in a complete panic. How could I not look into that?”

She looked at me with pity “Sorry, Sander… I don’t know. Maybe he just wanted some space?”

“If he wanted that, wouldn’t he have let me know, so I wouldn’t worry about him?” I asked exasperatedly “Because I am going out of my mind”

“Do you want my opinion?” Moyo asked, a grim look on his face

I didn’t particularly, judging by his expression but I said yes anyway.

“I think you asked him to be your boyfriend too fast and he got scared”

I almost lunged at him when he came out with that. He was the one that reassured me Robbe wasn’t going anywhere, and that he didn’t look scared when he hung out with us. He was the one who gave me encouragement. To go back on that now and make me feel like an idiot was just cruel.

“Well, I think we already know he was scared, Moyo” I snapped “But thank you for that enlightening addition”

“He wasn’t trying to make you angry, San” Noor said calmly

He nodded “I was just saying maybe you just went a little too fast for him…”

“You’re wrong” I said “He looked so happy that day. His entire face was lit up. Robbe isn’t that good of an actor, there was no way he could have put that face on if he didn’t mean it. I know that doesn’t necessarily mean he wanted to be official with me… but surely that meant he wanted _something_?”

He put his hands up in a surrender “I’m just looking at the facts”

I glared at him fiercely “Well, you’re wrong”

I just needed to talk to him. Maybe I could salvage whatever was left of our relationship, if I could.

***

When I loved someone, I wanted to hold them and never let them go. I wanted to keep them in our little bubble forever, so that no harm could ever get to them.

It was tearing me apart not being able to see Robbe or know if he was ok. Losing people is one of my worst fears and once again, it was becoming a reality. I know that is not how life works, but it sucks that now Robbe was being torn away from me. I had wanted to do everything in my power to keep him in my life and, now that he was, he was already slipping away.

I was convinced that Robbe and I were going to last. We had such a good time together when we were hanging out. We could make each other laugh and, I can’t know for sure but, we were able to fill one another with a warm fuzzy feeling inside when we were together.

To be faced with the prospect of him not being with me anymore was frankly daunting. I was not prepared for it and it was leaving me with a growing feeling of anxiety. Each day that went past where Robbe didn’t get in contact with me, I could feel a weight getting increasingly heavier on my chest. If I had to face the knowledge of him not being a part of my life indefinitely, I think that would be too much to handle.

My friends probably thought I was insane for feeling this strongly after only a little while of knowing each other. They are probably thinking that I am being over dramatic and freaking out over nothing. But the thing was, I knew Robbe. He wouldn’t go silent for no reason and if I just sat by and let him drown in whatever problems he was facing; I might have well been pushing him down under the water myself.

I went up the steps to Robbe’s flat, my legs shaking like jelly. It was a wonder they were still holding me up.

There was the sound of movement and the hum of voices after I knocked on the door, none that I could distinguish or tell apart from one another, though. It could have been any one of them talking in there.

I tried not to look too disappointed when Zoë opened the door, although judging by the pitying look on her face, I did not do a very good job.

“Hi, Sander” she said softly “How are you?”

“I… I’m ok” I replied, trying to smile at her “And you?”

She nodded, shrugging a little “I’m alright”

We both stood there for a moment in an awkward silence, waiting for the other to speak.

All I wanted to do was burst past her and find Robbe. My heart was calling out for him and I could feel his magnetic pull trying to drag me into their flat. Although, judging by Zoë’s stance, I was not going to be let in any time soon.

She was leant against the door frame in such a way that I would have to push my way through with force to get past her. Her welcoming smile was not on her face this time, either. She was wearing a slightly sombre expression, her mouth twisted into a frown.

“Is Robbe in?” I asked, trying anyway

“He is…” she said slowly, avoiding eye contact with me completely

“Could I come in and see him? I really need to talk to him” I could hear the desperation coming through in my tone, but I couldn’t help it

She shook her head “I’m sorry… but he doesn’t want to see you right now”

I was stunned into silence. The little bit of hope that was left that all of this was just a misunderstanding, shattered. Robbe didn’t want to see me. Maybe Moyo was right. Maybe he felt pressured and he was trying to figure out a way of escaping getting into a commitment with me.

In my mind, everything was truly going well. Was it just me wearing my rose-tinted glasses? Had I just imagined that everything was ok, when really our bond was nothing more than me chasing after a guy that wanted nothing to do with me? Had I really read it that wrong?

“Did he say why?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level

“I’m sure he had his reasons…” she said hesitantly

“I… um… could you tell him I’m sorry then?” I requested

If Robbe did not want to be my boyfriend, he didn’t have to be. I just didn’t want to throw everything we had away. We could go slower. We could go at a snail’s pace if that would bring him back to me.

“If he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, that’s fine… I just want to see him again”

I turned around, briskly walking away and ignoring Zoë’s pleas for me to come back. I couldn’t turn around and stand there only for her to give me more reasons why Robbe didn’t want me there. It was like a knife had been lodged in my chest, a dull yet brutal pain throbbing through my heart and slowly seeping out into the rest of my body.

The last time I lost someone, I prayed that the ache in my body would never return. Yet, I found myself trudging back to my flat, blinking back tears and feeling the pain thrumming through me at every step.

***

I had been hugging myself with my arms the entire way back to my place. It was my attempt at trying to hold myself together, but it wasn’t working very well. On the inside, I was a wreck.

My flat was in sight, so that meant that I would be able to break down in about two minutes. The tears could flow out of me without any prying eyes and I could let out some of my internal pain without strangers judging me.

I needed to just cry and let out the pain of losing a person that I barely had in the first place.

However, as I neared closer to my door, I found a guy leaning up against it nonchalantly. He was on his phone and staring at it with a small smile on his face, bringing his hand up and running a hand through his sandy blonde hair.

I blinked back my tears “Can I help you?”

He looked up at the sound of my voice, recognition flashing through his expression

“Hey there” he said, voice sounding relatively friendly “Sorry if this is a bad time…”

I shook my head “No, no it’s fine… was there something you needed?”

He took a few steps towards me “Yes actually, there was… I’m Phillip, by the way”

Phillip held out his hand for me to shake which I did, although it was somewhat warily

“Sander”

“Great to finally meet you, Sander. You ran off so quickly last time, I couldn’t catch up with you”

I must have had a confused expression on my face because he held up his phone, showing me a slightly fuzzy picture that had been taken.

“This is you, right?”

It was. It was a picture of Robbe and I from a couple of weeks ago, standing right outside before we parted ways. He was standing in front of me, circled by my arms, and his head was tilted up. Our lips were connected, and his arms were wrapped around my neck.

Seeing us like that hurt after the blow that I just had to take. It was almost enough to distract me from the fact that a stranger had a photo of us on his phone.

“It is… but, why do you have that? It’s really creepy”

He just gave me another easy smile “You see… _Sander…_ that boy you were kissing? That’s my boyfriend”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come yell at me haha


	17. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, I decided to do a daily upload thing for a few days so we can get through the angst   
> (mainly because I feel like otherwise people will get mad or bored otherwise haha) 
> 
> Enjoy the ride!

I sat in my bed, staring at my phone. Sander had been sending me messages a few days ago that all went unanswered – nothing threatening or anything that could be interpreted as intimidating, it really just seemed like he was concerned about me.

Sander: _Hey, Robbe… I just wanted to see if you were ok? Xx_

_I really don’t want to push you but I’m getting a little worried_

_Are things ok between us?_

_If I pushed you… I’m really sorry_

_Just please talk to me_

It broke my heart reading his messages. There was nothing I wanted more than to text him back and give him some reassurance. But I couldn’t.

All that I could think about was that I was just doing the same thing all over again that I did with Philip. I was dragging Sander into all of my drama, making him worried about me, making him check on me. As much as I appreciated it, it really seemed like history repeating itself.

Phil would always be sending me messages. My phone was always buzzing with his concerned questions. But it was rare that I actually responded to them, which just made him worry more. It made him get angry most of the time, too. He would claim that he was just concerned, but I could see the fury and fire in his eyes. The storm hiding behind the calm in his deep blue eyes.

Of course, Sander wasn’t going to turn into Philip. But I was still the common denominator. I was still the black cloud casting shadows on our relationship.

The only outcome for us was a gloomy end. A massive explosion. Complete destruction.

So, the kindest thing to do was end it before both of us got in too deep.

Me: _Hi Sander. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, things_

_have just been a lot to handle recently_

Sander: _No worries_

_Is everything ok? I’ve been so worried about you_

Me: _Not really… it’s just that… I’ve been doing some thinking_

Sander: _Ok…_

_What about?_

Me: _About us_

_I just think that maybe we should call it quits_

Sander: _Is that really how you feel?_

Me: _Yes_

_I just don’t think that we’re good for each other_

Sander: _Is that the real reason Robbe?_

_Because you don’t need to lie to me. If you want this_

_to end just tell me the real reason_

_I can handle it_

Me: _That is the real reason_

_This thing between us is just a recipe for disaster_

_I’m putting an end to it before someone gets really hurt_

Sander: _You know what? The least you could do_

_is tell me. You could own up and give me the truth instead_

_of trying to spare my feelings._

_Lying isn’t doing me any favours Robbe_

Me: _Look, I have given you the real reason_

_If you can’t accept it, I’m sorry but there is nothing_

_more I can say_

Sander: _So, this is it then? It’s over?_

Me: _It’s over_

I locked my phone and threw it away, not even caring if it broke. It couldn’t even come close to the damage done on my heart.

I blinked back the tears forming in my eyes. It was something that I didn’t deserve to do. This whole thing was my fault. I was the one that ruined things. Like always.

The door burst open; Zoë stood there looking concerned. Which was not a surprise, that was normally the expression the girls were wearing when they looked at me. She was probably alert from the massive crash of my phone hitting the floor.

“Robbe” she said, hesitantly walking towards me “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine” I replied, my voice devoid of emotion. I might has well have been a robot with the amount of feeling put into my tone

She perched beside me, looking at me worriedly “You really don’t seem it”

I just rolled my eyes, sick of all the questions and concerns. I understood that they were only trying to help, but they were being too overbearing

“Then why bother asking?”

“Because I’m worried about you!” she almost cried, her voice wavering. It wasn’t much, but it was there “You’re one of my best friends… I want to be there for you”

“I know you’re here” I deadpanned

She rolled her eyes, probably sick of me being so difficult all the time

“So… why didn’t you tell us Sander asked you to be his boyfriend?” she questioned, not sounding judgemental

It was probably her attempt at making a lighter conversation, trying to make me feel more at ease. It didn’t work though.

I was alert immediately, my brain waving away some of the fog covering it

“What are you talking about?” I replied sharply

There was no recollection in my mind of having any conversation remotely like that, with Sander.

“Zoë… What are you talking about?” I demanded

“Well, he came round the other day” she told me “And I turned him away, like you told me to…”

I nodded “Ok…”

“He looked really upset, but I did what you asked… then, um, he told me that if you didn’t want to be his boyfriend, you didn’t have to say yes”

“What?” I cried, slightly panicked “What did you say?”

“Nothing! He walked away before I could reply”

I put my hands to my face, groaning into them pitifully.

That was probably the thing Sander was talking about when I saw Philip and I had gone and run away. Sander had asked me the question I had been hoping for since we met, and I went and blew it because of that awful shadow of my past.

And that text I sent him… _god, the text._

Sander probably thought that I was so disinterested in him. That I was only playing around temporarily. That it didn’t mean anything to me, when it actually meant everything in the world.

He was probably heartbroken.

“I would have told you…” Zoë said nervously “But I thought it was best to leave you alone. I’m sorry if that was wrong”

I shook my head “No… no you did the right thing. Things have ended with Sander, anyway. So, it wouldn’t have made much difference”

She looked at me in shock “What do you mean? He wanted to be your boyfriend, Robbe! How could things have ended?”

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself

“Because… because I didn’t want things to continue”

“But Robbe, you really liked him”

“I did. But things change. I just realised that we weren’t doing any good being in each other’s lives”

The look on her face alone was enough to tell she disagreed.

“No” she replied vehemently “You were lit up even at the mere mention of his name… I don’t believe you aren’t good for each other”

She was partly right. Sander was like the light in my life. He was good – _great,_ for me. It was me that wasn’t good for him. This whole thing was enough to prove it.

He had come chasing after me, sending me kind messages after I ghosted him for at least a week. Sander was so lovely; his heart was so pure. I was only going to break it. I was the hammer hurtling towards the glass mirror. The only way it was going to end was in pieces. It was better that I put an end to things while he could still move on and forget that we ever happened in the first place.

“I don’t really care what you think, Zoë” I told her, building my walls back up around me “this conversation is done”

“Robbe, come on-”

“No. I don’t want to talk anymore. Don’t push it”

She just huffed and stormed out, clearly not having much patience for me anymore. I could not blame her for that either, I was being extremely difficult.

I wanted to rush over to my phone and text Sander. Tell him everything was going to be fine and give him all the reassurances in the world. I wanted to retract everything I said. But I couldn’t. I had to stay strong and let him move on. He had to have a chance to get away from me and the dark clouds that would inevitably surround him too if he stayed.

I stayed in my bed and let Sander drift further away from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) (for anyone looking at the end notes before you read the chapter, that smile is all you're getting. interpret it how you will)


	18. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small disclaimer, I'm not the biggest fan of this chapter... as in I don't like what I wrote but I couldn't sit there and edit it anymore. 
> 
> I hope you like it anyway! Enjoy :)

I couldn’t stop staring at the text

Robbe: _It’s over_

It was just all so hard for me to fathom. Up until the moment I had read that message, there was still hope in my mind that this was all some big misunderstanding. That maybe Robbe and I could have worked everything out.

He didn’t want to be my boyfriend? That’s fine, we could have just cooled things off a little. Then that guy turned up claiming to be Robbe’s boyfriend. Warning me off him and telling me not to contact him again. I had not believed it… I mean, did I entertain the idea for a moment in my vulnerable state at first? Yes, but I realised that there was no way it could be true. What we had was real, Robbe wouldn’t do that to me.

I didn’t really have an explanation for why he would have been coming to see me and trying to cut me out of the picture. But I was determined not to believe him… for my own mental state in the absence of anything else.

Robbe didn’t even mention it when I asked him why he ended things. Surely if what that guy said was true, he would be upfront about it? I don’t know… he may have been trying to spare my feelings but it didn’t work.

But now that I was reading this message… watching Robbe back out fully, break everything off completely. Maybe I had misunderstood everything. Maybe Robbe truly was dating this guy and I was just the thing on the side… the fling. Maybe he was just having a bit of fun with me and broke it off when his boyfriend found out about it all.

I had a habit of making things so much more dramatic in my head than they actually were. My relationship with Robbe was probably just one sided this entire time and I was just too blinded by my infatuation that I didn’t realise.

It had been a struggle to get out of bed at all ever since things fell apart. I had been sitting in my room, wrapped up in my blankets and becoming sadder with each passing day.

“Sander?” Senne called, knocking on my door “Can I come in?”

I grumbled a bunch of garbled nonsense. Nothing that could be heard as any particular word, so Senne decided to interpret that as a confirmation.

He came and sat next to me. I could feel his shoulder bump against mine, even through the thick duvet surrounding me.

“Are you going to come out and get some lunch with me?”

I shook my head. Going outside really did not sound appealing at all

“Come on, Sander”

“No, Senne. I would really just prefer to stay here…”

“Why? Don’t you think you have spent enough time here?”

“Because my heart feels like it’s been ripped from my chest, Senne. I don’t want to go outside and see a bunch of happy people, reminding me of how hopelessly sad I am right now”

I heard him tut and sigh “Sander” he groaned “I can’t believe I have to have this same conversation with you again. Robbe has a boyfriend, right? For real this time apparently. You can’t spend more of your life locked away crying over him. You need to get up and move on. There are plenty of people out there, but you won’t meet them if you don’t leave the flat. Plus… don’t you think that there are some serious issues there if you keep finding out he has a boyfriend? Surely you must not trust him very much if this has happened on numerous occasions. If you ask me, this could be a good thing for you”

“You don’t understand” I cried, feeling tears roll down my cheeks “I love him. I really love him, Senne. I can’t just turn that off because he doesn’t want to be with me or because you told me to. Sure, this whole thing happened before… but it’s so much more painful this time around. I wasn’t just some hopeless idiot pining over a guy I’d never spoken to, Senne. We had spent time with each other, gotten really close. We had something special. And it isn’t about trust. Of course, I trust him. It’s just… all of this craziness is messing with my head”

He shifted a little, twisting around so he was facing me

“Can we talk about what this is really about?” Senne asked me exasperatedly

“And that is?”

“Ever since… ever since things happened, you cling onto people-”

“And that’s a bad thing?” I snapped “Why wouldn’t I want to be closer to people after going through something like that?”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Sander-”

“Then what _are_ you saying? Spit it out, Senne”

“You get someone new in your life” he said slowly, cautiously “and you… you want to be around them all the time. It isn’t a bad thing, obviously – you’re a passionate person… but… when they leave, it hits you one hundred times harder”

I felt the tears prickle behind my eyes “Well, excuse me for showing a little bit of emotion”

“Sander… just talk to me, I’m here for you”

What he was saying was true. I knew it was.

Ever since everything happened, I didn’t want to lose another person so close to me ever again. When I made new relationships with people, I became attached so easily. My brain constantly told me that I had to cling onto them, otherwise I would run the risk of them disappearing from my life too.

I knew that there was nothing that could have been done to stop the turn of events. That’s not how things work. But it didn’t stop the fear of god from rising in me, making me scared constantly that everyone I love will abandon me.

That’s why it hit me so hard whenever anyone did end up leaving my life. A piece of my heart broke off every time.

Robbe distancing himself from me probably hit the hardest. He didn’t just take a piece of my heart, he shattered it.

“If that’s what you think, then why would I talk to you? All you would say is that my feelings are inferior”

“What?” the panic clear in his tone “No, Sander that’s not what I meant-”

I shuffled away from him when he tried to place his hand on me

“Leave me alone” I mumbled, not even energetic enough to yell at him “I really don’t want to talk to you right now”

Senne clearly did not want to leave, but he did eventually… albeit a little slowly.

I couldn’t even look at him. How could he have said that, after everything I had been through. He had seen me at my lowest, yet he still used that ammunition to kick me when I was down. And for what? Did he think that was going to make me get out of bed? Did he think making me even more depressed was going to give me the motivation to carry on with my day?

All it did was remind of me of how stupid I was to think Robbe ever felt the same as me. Clearly all I did was cling onto him, force my feelings onto him until he felt obligated to return them.

I should have read the signs. He was never that into me. I was just a fool.

I looked at the message again

Robbe: _It’s over_

It was just something that I had to face. It was truly over.

If it had even truly begun in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (For anyone that might be confused or thinking they missed something, the thing they are referring to is yet to be revealed)   
> Here have some cookies, they help mend broken hearts 🍪


	19. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so it should be obvious but the first part of this is a flashback. I put a heading when it goes back too   
> I did try and make it maybe seem like he was dreaming about it or thinking about it? But you can interpret it however you want really 
> 
> Hope you like it!

~Flashback~

“Robbe?”

I heard my name repeated. It wasn’t in a loud booming way. It never was. Yet it still sent a tremor through my spine.

Philip was never aggressive or loud with me. Most other people in relationships argued a lot and screamed at each other when they were mad. That is what Phil told me, anyway. But he never was. He always spoke in an almost soft tone. It was always friendly and slow. In some ways that made it worse.

“Robbe” I heard again

I sat up in bed, rubbing my eyes so hard with my fists that I started seeing stars.

It was quite early in the morning, half eight, I think. Philip was an early riser, so the likelihood was that he had already been up for at least an hour.

“You’re up then” he said, appearing in the doorway “It took you long enough… but then, you always have been lazy”

He followed it up with a laugh. A short and almost staccato sound. Laughs normally signified a joke… something that was funny. But I never really interpreted them that way. Phil told me that I was just too insecure for my own good. That I needed to lighten up and appreciate his humour. He kept saying that teasing was his way of showing love and affection, so I should take it before he just decided not to say anything to me at all.

He was right. I took things too seriously most of the time. I never meant to annoy him, that was just who I was. Sardonic and uninteresting.

When we were stood together, people probably wondered why we were dating. Phil was very outgoing, the life of the party. He brightened up rooms wherever he went, making people laugh and smile. Whereas I just stood there, sometimes next to him but normally by myself in shadowy corners, trying to blend in with the walls.

If people were colours, he would be bright neon. Pinks and greens captivating people and drawing their attention. I would just be a series of beige. Bland and boring.

That was probably why he avoided taking me out places as much as he could. I was an embarrassment to him. I didn’t take it personally… it was true.

At work events that it seems I was obligated to attend; he gave me the same talk before we left the house. Every time he would tell me to stay quiet. Not speak unless spoken to. Try not to humiliate him.

He found it tough to be with me. Phil was such a smart and talented person. It must be difficult for him to talk to his friends about me. Reveal that he was dating someone of such a lower standard.

I wanted to become a hairdresser, always had. Phil knew it from the start.

He teased at first… thinking it was some type of joke. That I would change my mind and decide on something different later on. Something that would require more brain power. Something that would make us look more like a ‘power couple’.

When he eventually discovered I was set in my ways and wasn’t going to change, he became increasingly more annoyed with me. I didn’t know what to do for the best. I wanted to make it all better, make him happy. But I didn’t want to sacrifice everything I have ever dreamed of.

Even so, I stopped working. I stopped working towards my dream to make him happy. Except it didn’t. Instead of moaning at me for wanting a dumb job, one that doesn’t require much academic effort, he had a go at me for being unemployed and having no aspirations.

I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. I wished he would tell me because I wanted to do anything I could to put a smile on his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise I slept in” I said, a little groggily

He tutted a little “You never do”

I dragged myself up and trudged over to him, trying to push through my dazed, sleepy state.

He stayed in his position in the doorway, watching me approach him with a smirk on his face. I had learnt by now that he could be looking at any one of my flaws. Each of them were at equal levels of hilarity to him. Every time he looked at me, he could pinpoint at least four, I am sure of it.

I stood in front of him, lifting my face up to ask for a kiss. He liked it when I was the one to approach. I think it was because he liked knowing he was loved by me. He liked knowing he was adored. Which he was. I loved him with my entire heart, there was barely room for anyone else in there.

Instead of giving me one like I wanted, he brought his hand to my hair, grasping the curls almost harshly with his fingers.

I wanted to ask if there was something wrong, but I kept quiet. It was better that way. It was easier to let him say what he wanted instead of being lectured for putting words in his mouth.

“It’s getting a little long, don’t you think?” he asked me softly “Time for a cut soon”

Truth be told, I loved my hair longer. It made me feel good about myself. When I looked at myself in the mirror, it didn’t make me want to cringe as much.

But I cut it every time Phil asked because that was what he wanted. I would always do things to make him happy.

That’s what a relationship is, after all. Making each other happy. There were just some sacrifices that people had to make. Cutting hair is not really that big of a deal in the long run anyway.

I nodded, smiling up at him

He saw me still gazing at him and snorted, pinching the tip of my nose. It was probably harder than he intended and sent a shock of pain through my face, but I didn’t want to make him feel bad. So, I made sure not to show any reaction.

Phil wandered out to the kitchen with me trailing after him like a puppy

I set about making him a coffee. He used to get angry when he made them himself, saying that if I truly cared about him then I would know it was part of his routine and a necessity. It was quite melodramatic, not that I told him that, but since then I made them regularly. Most of the time he didn’t even drink them.

“I’m going out today after work with some of my co-workers”

It was a statement, not a question. It always was. I had learnt that by now.

He should never have to ask because our relationship was built on trust and of course, I trusted Phil. I had no reason to ever not trust him.

“Ok” I replied, feigning indifference. It was better to remain neutral in most situations, just in case he thought I had the wrong reaction.

I didn’t really care for them. They always looked down on me, their expressions always showing how much they disapproved of my presence. It was frankly humiliating. But Phil enjoyed their company. So, I acted like I loved them too.

“It should be fun” he mused, staring at his phone as he spoke “We’re going to a bar, so don’t wait up. It will probably be a long night”

I nodded “Ok”

The last thing I wanted was him staying out all night. It was never a good thing. I would be stuck at hope in the empty flat all night, slowly dying of boredom. While he would be out getting wasted with his friends. Then he would burst in at stupid o’clock in the morning, causing a racket. 

He used to take me with him, introducing me to his friends, but that stopped pretty quickly after I embarrassed him one too many times. It was my own fault, really. He had warned me to behave and act my age… act  _mature,_ before we arrived each time – which I tried to do, I tried so desperately not to show him up. But it was never enough. There was always something I did that made me, and therefore him, a laughing stock. 

So, he began leaving me at home, thinking it was better for both of us that way. 

I knew I shouldn’t be so annoyed by it. He was allowed to go out and have some fun. I couldn’t expect him to stay with me all the time. The world didn’t revolve around me, as he often told me.

“What will you be doing today?” he asked me, nonchalantly

“Um… not much” I told him “I was thinking of just staying in, watching some TV”

He nodded, not looking up from his phone “Ok, I’ll go out and make money for us while you waste away on the sofa”

I would have been offended by his comment if he didn’t say the same thing each day. There was really no correct way to answer his question. If I had told him that I was going out, then he would have had a go at me for spending all of his money. Either that or he would look at me with his big puppy dog eyes, pleading with me to stay indoors and keep safe. He said that it was dangerous for such a vulnerable person like me to be outside on my own.

He got up, putting his phone in his pocket, before walking to the door and shrugging on his coat.

“I’d better be going”

I rushed after him, going to give him a hug before he left. The only thing I was met with was one of his hands reaching out to ruffle my hair. It was probably only because he didn’t want me to rumple up his clothes. It was completely understandable.

Phil scanned the flat quickly with his eyes, making a mental note of where everything was

“Make sure not to mess up the house while I’m out”

He flashed me a smile and left, not even a proper goodbye. Not that I was surprised. That was what happened most mornings. It wasn’t anything personal… he just liked to be on time. Stopping to show his outpouring of love and affection for me would only make him late.

I plodded back over to the counter, grabbing his mug and watched the brown liquid escape down the sink as I poured it away.

***

The TV was blaring but I was not really paying much attention. It was full of things I had seen a thousand times before.

All I wanted to do was go out and do something. My body was screaming at me to move, my heart was crying out for something fulfilling. But my head told me to obey my boyfriend. So, I did.

Phil liked to stick to a regimented schedule. He was satisfied when he knew where everything was at all times. When I went places without notifying him first, he did not like it one bit.

He said that it scared him, not knowing where I was. Not knowing if I was in any danger. Not knowing if I was in desperate need of his help. I understood his concerns completely. If the tables were turned, I would be out of my mind with worry about him all the time. Phil only tried to keep me safe.

I used to do it a long time ago, go against his wishes.

Yasmina and her brother, Elias, asked me to go to town with them. It had not seemed like that big of a deal to me at the time. They were people that I knew well, they would take care of me and protect me. That’s what they had done practically my entire life, after all.

So, we were out for hours, joking around and having a great time. It had been good for me to get out and have fun. I had almost forgotten the sound of my genuine laughter.

But when I thought to spare a glance at my phone, it was full of messages from Phil.

_Phil: Hey baby, are you at home?_

_I rung the landline and you didn’t pick up, just wanted to see if you were ok_

_Robbe?_

_Are you there?_

_Can you answer me please?_

_I’m starting to worry_

_Robbe, answer your texts_

_Robbe, please_

_Where are you?_

_I’m starting to get worried_

_I’m leaving work early and coming home_

_Robbe_

_Robbe I’m almost there_

_You aren’t home_

_Where are you?_

_I asked you not to go out today_

_Baby, why would you lie to me?_

_I’m really worried now_

_Can you please answer me?_

_Who are you with?_

_Come home._

_Now Robbe_

_Please baby_

I had fled home immediately, not wanting to leave him worried for a second longer than I had to.

Yasmina and Elias begged me to stay, telling me I only had to phone him and tell him where I was. But they didn’t know Phil. Not like I did. I had to go home and let him see that I was ok, he had to be able to look at me in the flesh. Otherwise he would only continue to panic.

I was a horrible boyfriend. I never thought about what it would have done to him. I never did. My actions always had dire consequences for him, but they never seemed to concern me.

He was a wreck, bringing me into his arms and holding me tight. There was a little bit of anger when he had found out the company I had been keeping in town. Phil wasn’t the biggest fan of Elias. He was convinced that he wanted me to himself, that he was going to steal me away, which was absolutely ridiculous. I told him as such. But he was still incredibly anxious and emotional after all of the worrying he did.

Phil begged me never to do that to him ever again, and how could I refuse when I could feel his tears dripping onto my skin? What sort of boyfriend would that make me if I couldn’t comply to a simple request? One that he felt so strongly about, too.

Later, when we were cuddled up on the sofa, he leant close to me and whispered in my ear

“Do you really promise not to do anything like this to me again, Robbe? You don’t to disappoint me, do you?”

I shook my head “Of course not”

I hadn’t met up with them since that day.

I had barely been out since then, actually.

It wasn’t very enjoyable. There was only me and the sofa cushions to keep me company, the only conversation with the people on the TV.

But it was to make my soulmate happy.

Everything was to make him happy.

I loved him… and he loved me.

My phone started lighting up with messages. I launched myself over to look at it, not wanting to miss a notification from Phil.

Yasmina: _Hey Robbe, just trying your phone again_

_Are you ok? If you’re sick and need me to come and bring you something then I will_

_Please just let me know_

_I miss you x_

As much as I wanted to reply, I couldn’t. Any excuse I fobbed her off with would be blown back in my face, she could always tell when I was lying. I couldn’t tell her the truth either, she would try and drag me out of the flat herself. She wouldn’t understand why I was doing it. Nobody would.

So, it was better to ignore her. As much as it pained me to do it.

Then I looked at it again

Yasmina: _I’m coming over to see you x_

I didn’t know what to do for the best, so I decided to just continue ignoring it and hope she would understand my silent pleas for her to stay away.

***

I was startled when there came a demanding knock at the door.

“Robbe” Yasmina called through the wood

I stayed curled up on the sofa, hugging a cushion to my chest

“Robbe!” she yelled, knocking harder “Can you hear me?”

The thumping on the door was syncing up with the hammering of my heart. All I wanted to do was fling the door open and hug her. But I knew that wasn’t an option.

After what had happened, Phil gave me explicit instructions not to see her again. He said she was pulling me away from him, dripping poison in my ear. He told me that she was going to come between us and rip us apart.

As much as I knew it wasn’t true… I had to say yes. He would have been distraught if I denied him that wish. He was uncomfortable with something, and it was my duty to make it better.

“Open up!” Yasmina shouted “I know you’re in there, Robbe. I’ve had just about enough of this”

At that moment, it seemed like there was only one thing for me to do.

I shuffled over to the door, taking a deep breath before I opened it. Yasmina was stood there, a relieved expression flooding over her face when she saw me

“There you are” she breathed “I didn’t think you were going to-”

“I think you should leave” I got out before I could think better of it

She seemed startled “What?”

“I think you should leave” I repeated, avoiding eye contact with her “I don’t want you here”

“Where is this coming from?”

“The ignored messages… Me not answering the door… Was that not a clear enough message for you?”

Yasmina moved forwards a little, reaching for me “Robbe, you don’t-”

“Don’t touch me” I cried, moving backwards. If I felt her gentle touch, I knew I would cave “I have felt this way for a while… I know we have been friends for a long time, but recently things have just been different. _I’m_ different. So, I think it would be better if we stayed away from each other”

She shook her head, a vacant expression on her face “No… you don’t mean that. We’re best friends Robbe. You know we are. Is there something wrong? I’m here for you if there is…”

“Were _”_ I specified “We _were_ best friends. But people grow and change”

I could see the tears starting to well up in her eyes. Any other time I would have hugged her close, whispering soft words of affirmations in her ears and stroked her hair until she felt better. But I just stood there with a stony expression, willing myself not to give in.

The only thing that kept me from breaking was thinking about Phil. It was all for him. He would appreciate what I had done. Even if my heart took a little knocking because of this, he would mend it.

Of course, he would. He always did because he is the person who is there for me, always. He told me as such.

“You should go” I told her again, hands planted firmly on the door

She stood up straight, blinking back the tears and glared at me

“Fine” she said, her voice hoarse “I’ll go. If this is you now, I don’t want to be friends with you anyway. You’re an emotionless void of the person I knew. If he comes back, let me know”

She turned on her heel and stalked away, not turning back at any point to look at me. It was probably for the best. If she had, the only thing I would have done was run to her, fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness.

I watched her turn the corner and I silently said my goodbyes to her, before shutting the door on our friendship forever.

***

I was laid in my bed… our bed. Mine and Phil’s. Alone, just staring up at the ceiling.

It was like that when he went out with his friends. Even when I wasn’t with him, I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep early. I would be too restless, wondering if he was going to come back safely. It was irrational, but I always wanted to stay awake until he was lying next to me.

Around 3am I heard the crashing of the door, the clattering of things around the flat. I stayed in bed, knowing that I would be the next thing knocked over if I went out there. Phil never was one for having any spacial awareness.

He eventually came into our room, taking off his layers of clothing and throwing himself down on the bed next to me. It made the mattress bounce a little, but I didn’t mind.

“Did you have a good night?” I asked quietly

He just gave a series of groans. None that I could decipher

So, instead I curled into his, trying to hug him and chase the intimacy I was craving after such an emotionally taxing day.

I couldn’t tell him why I needed the hug so much. He would get mad knowing that Yasmina had come round, even if I told him that I got rid of her. Phil never really believed me on matters such as that.

So, I settled for just wanting a hug. A simple hug.

But I didn’t get it.

“Robbe” he grumbled in clear annoyance, tutting and rolling to the side, taking the duvet with him “Why do you always have to be like this?”

I felt my eyes prickling with tears but blinked them back harshly. I had nothing to cry about, I was just being overly sensitive for no reason.

“Sorry” I whispered

I used to love laying with him at the start of our relationship. He would hold me all night, making sure I felt warm and safe. It was bliss.

But that night was just cold and lonely. Much like every other night that followed.

***

~Present day~

Everything was just a jumble in my mind.

I was trying to cling onto a specific memory, preferably a good one, but they were all colliding in my head. My past was playing like a movie in fast forward in my mind, and it was a horror. Nothing that I remembered was something that I particularly wanted to think about. But I couldn’t shut it off.

Combining it with the present day, it made me feel even worse about everything I had done. I was trying so hard to make History not repeat itself, but that was exactly what I had gone and done.

Another boy that got close to me had his heart broken. That was just what I did. It was my speciality. In fact, any person that got too near was bound to be ripped apart by my brutal personality. I was a train wreck. A bomb. And everyone was getting sucked into my path of destruction.

As much as I tried to make sure Sander would be protected from it, I feared that by sending him such a harsh text it made everything worse anyway. I might have been able to let him down gently at the very least, but I did it in the most horrible and impersonal way.

I couldn’t believe that I had done something so completely stupid. It was such a huge mistake. He was my person. I loved him, and I never got to tell him.

And it was happening again with Yasmina, too. The first time we reunited, I vowed that I would never let her go again. That we would stay close forever. Yet I was repeating my past actions like I hadn’t learnt from them.

All I could think about was Yasmina finally getting so fed up of my constant back and forth attitude that she left me for good. That both of the girls left me for good. I would be left with practically no-one because they realised how toxic I was.

I would just be sat at home, by myself for the rest of my life. Slowly fading away as society moved on, as the whole world forgot I even existed.

My heart was beating out of my chest as my thoughts went out of control. My breath speeding up, making me hyperventilate and I could feel my chest slowly becoming tighter and tighter, like there was something heavily weighing on top of me.

I tried to close my eyes and count to ten, an attempt at calming myself, but nothing was working. It was just getting progressively worse.

So, I gasped out the one word that I needed to say.

“Yasmina”

She didn’t hear me the first time but after a couple of croaky attempts, she opened the door. She immediately rushed over to my side, Zoë in tow.

“Robbe… Robbe, look at me” she said “Can you look at me?”

“I can’t… I can’t stop – it’s all-” I gasped, trying to get my breath back

Yasmina sat in front of me, her eyes serious

“Robbe, can you breathe with me? One big breath in… one big breath out”

She demonstrated a few times, waiting for me to copy her. Which I did, although it was extremely difficult. It was like all the oxygen in the room as suddenly disappeared, sucked out like the light and happiness I had once felt.

“It’s him” I muttered, when I had some of my breath control back “It’s him… that’s why I’ve been…”

They both looked at me with puzzled expressions

“Who are you talking about, Robbe?” Zoë asked

I could feel tears running down my cheeks as I continued gasping for air

“Phil” I told them, as coherently as I could “I saw him that day I went out with Sander. He was there and he knew I was there…”

“Maybe you should try and calm down a little before talking about it” Yasmina suggested

I nodded, still trying to fill my lungs with air.

We all sat there in relative silence. I could feel their eyes burning into the side of my head and I could feel the concern radiating off them, even if I wasn’t looking their way.

I knew that I should talk to them, tell them everything that was going on inside of me, because it was clear that if I left it any longer I would implode. The secrets that I had held for so long were becoming too much to handle on my own. I needed to let it out and accept the support they had been trying to give me, even if it would be hard to do.

“Could I… could I have that talk now?” I asked quietly

They nodded, holding out their hands. Neither of them were quite touching me, but the offer was there.

“You can say as much or as little as you want, we don’t want to push you” Yasmina whispered softly

I looked down at their outstretched hands, not holding them yet but appreciating the gesture.

“It’s just… I thought all of this stuff with Phil was buried and gone. At least, I thought I had put it so far into the back of my mind that it would never come back. I put on an act to convince everyone, even myself, that I was ok… I didn’t want to be the person I was before. But then when he showed up, maybe even before that, it was all coming back up again”

“But, Robbe, the person you were before was the person I loved the most” Yasmina said earnestly “He was so lovely and full of life… this person you have been the past few years, he’s been empty”

“I know… I just couldn’t stop. I know it was hard for you two, but I thought that if I opened up about how much I was still struggling then you would tell me to grow up… or tell me that I was taking too long to get over it”

“Robbe, no…” Zoë said, her voice cracking “we would never say something like that. Ever. It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to even try and get over what happened to you. It was a traumatic time in your life, and nobody blames you for still being affected by it. I know I didn’t know you when you were actually going through it but when you told me, I wasn’t waiting a few weeks for you to become all smiley and happy and be the best roommate ever. It takes time.”

“Deep down I knew that…” I said “but to me the risks were too high. I didn’t want to lose you… Yasmina, you’re my sister… and Zoë, you’ve become so close to me…”

“Robbe, listen to me” Yasmina said “you will never lose me – do you hear? I will always be here. No matter how hard you try and push me away”

“Me too. You’re stuck with us for life”

They smiled at me, but I couldn’t return it.

“I think the reason I’ve been lashing out more at you recently… was because of Sander”

“Sander?” Zoë asked, clearly puzzled

“Did he do something?” Yasmina’s mouth twisting into a frown. She always had been protective over me

“No, he didn’t do anything. That’s the point… Since I met him it’s become worse because… because I like him so much and I was afraid that if I acted like myself then he was going to leave me. None of this is his fault, I’m not blaming him at all”

“We know you aren’t” Yasmina said softly “I can see how much you like him… your eyes got some of their shine back when he was around you”

“And you should see the way he looked at you, Robbe” Zoë told me “It’s like you hung the moon”

“I just… I did something really stupid” I said “I told him it was all over. Why did I do that? It was the dumbest thing ever. He is one of the greatest things that have ever happened to me and I just dropped him like he was nothing”

Yasmina sighed, her face dropping completely “So, why did you do it?”

“I… I thought that I was bad for him” I cried “That’s what Phil always told me, that I was toxic and dragging him down. It was happening with Sander… I was making his life miserable, so I thought that it was better for him to be without me”

“Sweetie” Zoë said softly “do you really believe that?”

“I don’t know… I just can’t stop thinking about the things Philip told me when we were together… he is just always there. And it’s always a possibility in my mind that Sander would realise all of those things about me, and leave”

Yasmina gave my hand a squeeze “If Sander ever left, then that will have nothing to do with you because you are the most amazing guy I have ever met in my life. Any guy would be lucky to have you in theirs. Maybe you should contact him… if you want to that is. Try and talk, get things out in open”

I nodded “I’ll think about it, he might not even want to talk to me after how I treated him”

“I think you should. Sander is such a great guy, I’m sure he will understand once you explain your thought process behind the whole thing” Zoë said seriously “And nothing that evil shrew told you was true, by the way. Phil has no idea what he is talking about. You are an amazing guy, who he has and always will be undeserving of”

“As for him showing up like that” Yasmina hissed, the anger in her voice clear “That was so out of line… he was lucky I wasn’t there, I would have swung for him. From behind, too… he wouldn’t know it was coming” 

Zoë looked a little shocked hearing the words come out of her mouth. Normally she was so passive, but when someone hurts her friends, that is when the dark side comes out. 

“Could you phone the police on him or something?” she asked, trying to take a less violent approach 

I shrugged “I don’t see what they could even do, he technically wasn’t near me – we were in a public place... and he didn’t engage in any conversation. He hasn’t laid his hands on me or anything aggressive… there isn’t much the police could do. Plus, I don’t want that. That would all end up being long winded and drag things up…” 

Yas nodded in understanding “Ok, it’s your decision and we support you with whatever you want. I still want to kick that idiot all the way to hell, though” 

“We’re here for you, sweetie” Zoë confirmed “You know that, right?” 

I nodded and raised my arms slightly, asking silently for a hug. They did so immediately, enveloping me with their arms and planting soft kisses in my hair.

“I know we still have a lot to talk about…” I said slowly

“We don’t have to do it all right now” Zoë said softly

Yasmina rested her head on mine gently “What you just did was a big step, just focus on that”

I smiled as they poured out their love and pride to me, cocooning me in their bubble of warmth until I was calm enough to go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a thank you to the alt er writer's block for reading this through a while ago :) 
> 
> Thanks for continuing to read this story, I really appreciate all the support 🥰


	20. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope you are all doing well :) 
> 
> I don't know if you noticed but I added the number of chapters this fic will be... so that might give you an indication of how close we are to the reunion 👀
> 
> Enjoy!

Things had been really difficult the last few weeks. Normally I could keep the dark thoughts at bay, stop them from plaguing my mind. But recently it was becoming too hard for me to handle.

All I could think about was that night, over and over in my head. So vivid, it seemed like something that happened yesterday, not years prior.

Nothing could stop my mind from racing

When I slept, it was just the same images. The flashing lights, blaring sirens and sound of crying all intensified in the dream realms.

The recent events had just made me so much more vulnerable than I normally was. I felt unable to tackle the demons on my past, instead letting them become all consuming.

Normally Senne would be there for me, even just his presence would be enough to calm me a little. But since we had a little argument, we hadn’t really been speaking. He had tried, but I wasn’t ready to let him back in yet. The wound was still sore, and it wasn’t likely to heal any time soon.

So, I decided to go round and visit my sister instead of hiding out in my room.

When I had first emerged, I could see the hopeful glint in his eyes. The slight chance that I would be able to move past it. But the light quickly diminished as I made my way towards the door, trying to make a swift exit.

Of course, he wouldn’t let me go that easy. He grabbed onto my arm, blasting questions at me.

“Sander, come on” he begged “Where are you going? Look, just stay here and we can talk things over! Please don’t go… you shouldn’t leave when you’re angry…”

I spun round, fire in my eyes “Don’t… don’t say that to me”

“Sander can we just-”

“I’m going to see my sister” I told him, shrugging his hand off me “I probably won’t be back for a few days… just give me some time to cool off”

I know what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that I had already had plenty of time, that in the time I had had, I might as well be frozen. But he held himself back, biting his tongue.

“Ok…” Senne murmured, backing away “I’ll be here when you get back, though”

Instead of replying I just left, shutting the door behind me with more force than was probably necessary.

***

“Hey, Lilly” I said, greeting her with a hug when I stepped inside the house

“Is everything ok?” she asked, holding me tight “you seem a little on edge”

We made our way to the living room, sitting face to face on the sofa. I grabbed a cushion, wrapping my arms around it and bringing it close to my chest.

“Not really, if I’m honest… but we don’t have to talk about it”

She narrowed her eyes at me “Really? You always tell me to talk to you, but you won’t talk to me? Unacceptable. I won’t let you lose yourself in your own head when you can easily let it all out right now… so, come on. Talk to me”

“I don’t think creating a supportive environment includes beating the information out of me” I said, trying to lift the mood a little

She rolled her eyes “Don’t deflect… spill”

It was obvious by her tone and the determined look in her eyes that she wasn’t going to let me worm my way out of it. Which was fair, I had done the same to her plenty of times before.

I sighed, relenting “Ok. Ok. It’s just… things have been a little tough lately”

I trailed off, going silent. It was a little hard to know where to start

“With, Robbe?” she asked

“Partly…” I admitted “I asked him to be my boyfriend, like you told me”

Her face fell a little “Judging by your expression, it didn’t go well”

“Understatement of the century. He ran away from me and I haven’t seen him since. Then his… supposed boyfriend turns up at my flat and warns me off”

She blinked in shock, looking slightly baffled “Ok… why supposed boyfriend?”

“I don’t know. Part of my brain is just telling me something is off. Robbe isn’t the type of person to lie and cheat, at least I don’t think he is. But at the same time, he didn’t want to be my boyfriend and called everything off after his boyfriend spoke with me, so maybe he found out and Robbe chose him? I don’t know… nothing really makes sense”

I saw Lilly’s brain ticking away, trying to process all of that information. It must have been hard given the amount of time she was silent for. Not that I blamed her for taking a little while, I had been sitting on it all for weeks and I was still unsure of it all.

“Well… I can only speak from what I saw that one day. He seemed like a great guy. But… if he broke things off, there isn’t really much you can do but accept it. I know it must be hard for you, but unless he comes to you, you need to try and move on”

I laughed, a little bitterly “You think I don’t know that? I know I have to try and move on… but it’s hard. I was head over heels for Robbe. He was… ugh” I buried my head in my hands “Then, Senne came out with a bunch of rubbish”

Lilly sighed “Oh… is that why you’re here instead of there? What did he say?”

I looked up at her “Just that since everything happened, I clung onto people”

She was silent, evidently waiting for me to continue speaking

“That’s it?”

“Yeah”

She looked confused “That isn’t rubbish though, Sander. We all know you do that, I thought _you_ knew that”

“What?” I spluttered

“San, it’s a perfectly normal reaction to have” she told me softly, reaching out and placing her hand over mine “It is nothing to feel ashamed about, it just means that you want to keep all of the people you love close to you. I do the same, Mum does the same. Everyone who has ever gone through something like that, does the same”

I groaned again, thinking about how awful I had been to Senne for no good reason. He had only tried to be there for me, and I threw it back in his face. I was such a bad roommate and an even worse friend.

Sure, he probably went too far into trying to push me… but the way I reacted was a little uncalled for. At the very least I should have tried to sit down and talk it through with him instead of storming out like a little toddler.

“Does that make things feel a little better?” Lilly asked, rubbing her thumb across my skin slowly

“Yeah…” I replied “Thanks”

Usually it was me taking care of her, making sure I did my role as the older brother properly. I was supposed to be there to protect her and make her feel safe. But sometimes it reversed, and she was the one taking care of me.

We were sat together on the sofa. Lilly’s head was on my lap and my hand was absent-mindedly running through her silky hair.

“Is there anything you want to talk to me about, now?” I asked her, after a little while of sitting in silence

She nibbled at her lip “No, I don’t think so”

“Lilly… come on” I said quietly “let’s talk. How have things been with staying at home by yourself? Is it getting any better?”

Lilly sat up, her fingers twiddling in her lap

“I don’t really know…” she said, looking down “It’s not even that I’m scared of being here by myself, I don’t think that’s what it is anyway. I think that it’s just the memories dragging themselves up… just the constant reminders making me on edge”

I nodded “Do you want to talk about the things you remember?”

She shrugged a little “It isn’t much to be honest… which probably sounds silly but… it’s mainly blaring sounds and things like that. But the feelings that it drags up, that’s what makes me crumble. I can remember exactly how it felt and it transports me back to that very moment”

“It doesn’t sound silly at all” I said seriously, squeezing her hand

I knew exactly what she meant and it was the furthest she could get from a stupid comment. The things that happened that night would probably be permanently engrained in her memory, as it was in mine. The lights and the noises… they were so stark in my brain it was like it happened a mere five minutes ago. I could probably draw the exact scene I was faced with purely from my mental images alone.

For Lilly, though, it was probably so much worse. She was there for longer and she was younger then, just a kid. She wasn’t meant to be faced with something like that, especially not at her age.

“It just… sometimes it feels like I should be over it already” she said softly, biting her lip “I mean, the teachers at school have said it. They tell me that it isn’t a valid excuse anymore when I’m struggling”

“They don’t know anything” I told her “How could they? They aren’t inside of your head. Plus, the likelihood is that they have never had to witness something like that either. So, how would they even begin to understand the strain that put on you? They can’t. So don’t worry your little head about what they are saying. You take it at your own pace, and if you are still struggling – that is absolutely fine”

She looked up at me, her face looking so anxious it almost broke my heart in two

“You think?”

“I know”

She nodded, leaning closer to me and letting me wrap my arms around her. Sometimes she claimed that she was too old for hugs, but I knew that was just a front she put up. You could never be too old for hugs.

“You know…” she said after a while, breaking the silence “Mum asked if I wanted to go back to my psychologist… do you think I should?”

“I think it could be a good idea. But only you can really decide if that’s what you want to do. You could always start it and back out again, it is completely up to you. If it isn’t working then it isn’t working, you can try a different method”

“Ok” she said, the corners of her lips tugging up a little “I do think it’s time that I try and get some professional help again. Hiding out at yours and not confronting my demons was fine for a bit, but it was getting too out of hand”

I rubbed her arm gently “If that’s what you want, I’ll support you one hundred percent. But you know you’re always welcome at my place – anytime you want”

She nestled close to me “I know”

***

We were sat on the sofa, watching reruns of Friends. It was both of our comfort show, the six best friends and their antics always helped to raise our spirits. Or even just to be a good distraction during difficult times.

We had gotten to the second season when my phone began to ring.

“Answer it then” Lilly grumbled “I’m trying to listen to this”

“Alright, alright” I sighed, leaning forward and grabbing it off the table, smiling a little at her impatience

I looked at the contact name, shocked when I saw who it was. I thought it was possibly a wrong dial but answered it just to be sure.

“Hello?”

“Sander…?” Robbe replied, sounding broken, his voice cracking “Are you there?”

“I’m here” I replied, slightly shakily “Are you alright?”

I knew talking to him wasn’t the best thing for me to do right now, especially after all of the things I had just spoken about with Lilly. And I kind of hated how much he could break down my resolve with just the sound of his voice, but I couldn’t just hang up the phone and leave him like that. There was clearly something really wrong.

Even if his voice didn’t sound the way it did, he wouldn’t have just phoned me out of the blue if everything was ok.

“I’m so sorry” he said, promptly bursting into tears. I couldn’t handle the sound of his sobbing, he sounded so distraught “Sander, I’m sorry”

“Hey, hey… stop apologising” I told him, trying to keep myself calm for him “What’s wrong?”

“Things are just _a lot…_ I… I just need to talk to you” He stuttered “It’s really important. Can you come to my place? It’s fine if you can’t, I understand”

I was close to turning him down. I knew that logically most people would. He was the one that broke things off, the one that supposedly had been using me as a side piece… but I couldn’t just ignore him. Not when he sounded like that, so broken.

Plus, there was still something not quite right about everything. I didn’t know what it was, but it all just seemed off.

“Um… yeah, ok” I told him “I’ll be there soon”

Lilly looked at me with concern, silently asking me to update her. I waited until I had hung up the phone, running a hand through my hair.

“Well?” she prompted

“That was Robbe… he sounded awful and asked me to come round and talk to him. So I said I would. I mean, I have to, he needs me”

She looked a little startled “Right now? I mean… after everything you told me, is that a good idea?”

I shrugged as I collected my things “I have no idea, but I can’t leave a person I love like that. I could never”

She nodded, accepting my decision, knowing that I was too stubborn to listen to her try to reason with me anyway. In all of the years she had known me, not once had I ever let her talk me out of an idea.

Lilly could probably also see the determination in my expression and, let’s face it, the love in my eyes. Because I did, I loved him with all of my being. If there was something I could do to help him, then I was going to do it.

“Will you be ok here? I can… I can take you with me or drop you off somewhere if you don’t want to be alone”

“Sander, it’s fine… I think I’ll be ok” she smiled at me, trying to put a brave face on “We both have to try and move forward, right? Onwards and upwards”

I returned her smile “Onwards and upwards”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I know most of this isn't happy... but progress at the end? I'm still sorry don't hate me haha   
> Cookies are still here for anyone that needs them 🍪


	21. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, the long awaited reunion 
> 
> Hope it doesn't disappoint haha 
> 
> Enjoy!

It was an excruciating time waiting for Sander to arrive. Part of me was convinced that he just would not show at all. I wouldn’t blame him for blowing me off after the way I had treated him as of late. I had been awful… it was a miracle that he even answered the phone when I called him.

My mind had just been a cloud of fog, the only real thing that I could distinguish through the haze was Sander’s face. I needed him in that moment, and before I could think different of it, my fingers had dialled the number.

He had probably sensed that I wasn’t right. How could he not have? I was a wreck. There were tears streaming down my face and my breathing was ragged. I had just come out of another pretty bad nightmare. Even though I had started opening up to the girls, they still hadn’t gone away.

Not that I had thought they would. Well… I hoped, but in the back of my mind I was aware that it wasn’t an instant fix. There would still be things plaguing me for a while, if they even went away at all.

Even so, the knowledge of that compared with the reality of the situation is so much worse. It is terrifying having to live through the ordeal every time I slept. Even when I so much as closed my eyes, I was trapped again.

So, yes. The only logical thing my brain thought to do was call Sander. I could have yelled for the girls, but I didn’t. Even though they would have come running.

Plus, I knew I had to talk to him sooner or later. I had to explain things, try and tell him why I had acted the way I did. He deserved to know why I pushed him away so much.

Perhaps doing it in my state wasn’t the best idea, but I was trying to do it before I chickened out and blocked his number instead of doing something to positively solve the problem.

Even though Sander said he was coming to me, the knock at the door was startling. It was still unexpected.

I could hear the muffled sounds of Sander talking to one of the girls. Possibly both, but I couldn’t be sure. All I was focussed on was the sound of his voice. The deep tone. The slightly gruff, hoarse sound that it produced. I could have just sat there and listened to it the whole time.

Eventually they let him through and my door opened. It was slow, almost cautious like he was afraid I was going to send him away.

“Sander?” I spoke out loud, wanting to confirm it was him

My voice sounded so much more croaky than I was expecting

His blonde head poked round followed by the rest of his body.

“Hi there” he said to me, shutting the door behind him

He continued to stand there, arms wrapped around himself almost like a barrier or a protective shield

_Oh,_ I realised, _He is trying to protect himself from me. I have hurt him so much already that he feels the need to put up a guard. It was never there before._

“How are you feeling now?” he asked, when I didn’t say anything

“I, um… a little better than I was on the phone”

He nodded, still rooted to the spot

I gulped “Sander… could you come closer?”

It was a bit of an odd thing to ask, but I needed him close to me. I needed to feel his touch. I wanted to feel better again, and the one thing that made me feel secure was the strong grip of his hands.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea” he said, grimacing a little

“Oh- that… that’s ok I-”

He cut me off “We should probably talk first”

“Um… yeah, we should”

We both waited there in a slightly awkward silence, neither of us daring to be the one to break it.

I knew it should be me, though. It had to be me because I was the one who caused all the pain, so I needed to be the one to fix it. That was part of the reason why I asked him to visit, after all.

“I’m sorry” I told him, my voice cracking “I know I said it before, on the phone… but I really mean it. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve to be put through all of that, it was awful. _I_ was awful. It’s just… I just…”

The tears started to pour down my cheeks again, there was nothing I could do to stop them. The dams had already broken and the waves were crashing down. There wasn’t enough willpower left in me to even attempt to quench them.

“Robbe” Sander breathed, so quiet I almost didn’t hear him “Have I always been the only one?”

I looked up at him, still sniffling.

The question baffled me. The only one? What could he possibly be talking about?

“When we first met, I thought that you were with Jens…” he said, stuttering a little “But then you reassured me that you weren’t and you didn’t have a boyfriend. So, I thought I was the only one… Am I?”

“What? Sander, of course” I tried to reassure him “Who else would there have possibly been?”

He swayed backwards and forwards, looking nervous and uncomfortable

“That day when I came over here, to try and see if you were ok… when I went back there was a guy standing outside of my flat. He said he was your boyfriend. He told me that you had been cheating on him with me the entire time and that when he confronted you, you chose him. I didn’t think it was true… obviously, but then… then you sent that message telling me it was over, so I wasn’t really sure what to think”

I felt sick to my stomach. The possibility of me throwing up all over my bed was too big of a possibility.

“I…” I whispered “What was his name?”

I knew what the answer would be, but I had to know for sure

“I think he said it was Philip” Sander told me

I started crying harder, my shoulders shaking and tiny screams escaping my body. I wanted to reach out for Sander, wanted him to hold me.

Phil had gone to see Sander. Which meant that he knew where Sander lived. Which meant that the whole ordeal was so much worse than I had ever imagined. Phil must have had eyes on me for so much longer than I thought.

The look in his eyes showed me that he was torn. He seemed like he wanted to come and comfort me like I needed him to, but I could see he was still dubious about the whole situation. Rightfully so, it must have been so confusing for him.

“He-” I got out through the sobbing “He is my ex-boyfriend. He was there that day… that’s why I didn’t – that’s why I ran. We aren’t – we – we aren’t together anymore, I never want – never… you are the only one Sander… the only one”

As soon as I uttered those words, he was right by my side, climbing into the bed next to me and bringing me close. I buried my head in his chest and cried, soaking his t-shirt and probably the skin underneath it.

He didn’t move though. He was as still as a statue, yet soft as a pillow. Laying there as I clung to him, not letting me go through the pain alone.

“Shh” he whispered into my hair “I’m here now, Robbe… I’m here”

I was so glad that he was.

***

We laid there next to each other in a tight embrace, neither one of us wanting to let go.

“I should probably explain things to you…” I said hesitantly, looking up at him

“No…” he replied, rubbing his hands on my back “The only thing I needed to hear was that you weren’t with that guy. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing anything else, then you don’t have to”

I shook my head, sitting up a little

“I have to tell you… I need to let it out. It has been eating away at me for too long”

He sat beside me, carding a hand through my curls

“If you really feel like you want to”

“I do. I trust you, Sander”

It was true. I did trust him. He was one of the only people in the world that I wanted so close to me. One of the only ones that I could be vulnerable around. He wouldn’t judge me, I realised that… he just wanted to be there and help me through things. But if I didn’t open up then he couldn’t do that. It was like trying to open a locked door with your bare hands.

I took a deep breath “Philip and I had started dating when I was 16 and he was 19. We had both come out together and it was one of the happiest feelings I had ever felt. Being with him brightened up my life. He was one of my best friends… my soulmate.

“After we had been dating for a couple of years things started to go downhill. He would call me all of these names that made me feel like dirt. It didn’t start off as much, really. Just the occasional comments about how weird I act sometimes, or my immaturity. When we were around his friends and co-workers, he would tell me to ‘act my age’ and make sure I didn’t embarrass him. At the time I didn’t think much of it, he cared very much about his job and reputation. He didn’t need me screwing it up for him. I thought that if staying quiet was what it took to make him happy then I would.”

Sander could see that my hands were starting to shake so he held them tightly in his own, interlocking our fingers tightly and squeezing them.

“Things progressed from there. He started commenting on my appearance and belittling me constantly. I tried to change everything for him. I cut off all my curls, wore only the clothes he picked out for me, anything he wanted, but nothing was good enough. Nothing was _ever_ good enough for him. When I changed, he thought that I was doing it to try and get attention from other people. He would get mad if he saw me wearing ‘revealing’ things outside, accusing me of wanting eyes on me or calling me an attention seeker.

“Even my career goals were something that he used against me. He would say things like ‘You think that trimming a few people’s hair is going to make us money?’ or ‘I think I figured it out, Robbe. You’re becoming a hairdresser because you’re too stupid to do anything else’

“We lived together, had done for a while, so there was no safe haven for me. He didn’t like me staying over at my friend’s houses and it wasn’t like I could just move out, he would have broke up with me completely… that wasn’t something that I wanted, I wanted to be with him forever. Or, at that point I thought I did.

“Any words that left my mouth were thrown back in my face. Our conversations were not interesting enough for him. He told me I was too young to understand anything he was saying. So, after a while, I just said nothing at all. He seemed to prefer it that way. If I was silent that meant he had all the control.”

I blinked hard, trying to stop the tears from rolling down my face “It was a dark time. Philip cut me off from almost everyone in my life. Most of my friends got fed up with waiting around for me, they couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t speak to them. The only person that was there for me was Yasmina. But… even after a point she gave up too. I pushed her away and we got into a massive argument. She had tried to get through to me, offering me support because she could sense there was something wrong. After a while she just stopped trying.

“Things continued like that for a while… the dark, silent life in the flat. It was like I wasn’t even living at all. There was just nothing in me, no fight. The spark had gone out. There was no passion, no love, no anger. Nothing. Even the adoration that I had for Phil wasn’t there. I was just empty.

“Not that he cared much. I was probably better to him like that. He preferred it when he could just have somebody for him to play about with like a doll. Sitting me places and having me stay there all day. Setting me about to do work for him and never repaying the favour. It was torturous and I just couldn’t break out of it.

“One night I just couldn’t stand it anymore. The silence and the practically cold body lying next to mine… it was torturous. So, I snuck out in the middle of the night and turned up at Yas’ house”

I had broken down in her arms as soon as she opened the door. She didn’t ask any questions, not right away anyway. She only cradled me in her arms as I wept, whispering comfort into my ear.

Part of me had worried that she would turn me away, after what I had done to her I would have deserved it. But mainly, she was just relieved that I was safe. She said that ever since our fight she had been worried about me, but that she didn’t think it wise to ambush me again after what happened.

“She refused to let me go back there, as much as I had tried to. I don’t know why I did. Maybe because he was familiar. He was such a huge part of my life, it was hard coming to terms with the fact it was over, despite knowing that it was for the best. I was worth so much more.”

Philip did try to get in contact with me, of course he did. It wouldn’t have been as simple as just walking out and never looking back. He came to Yasmina’s house a few times, where I was living. She had insisted I stay with her, saying I needed support. He screamed my name, yelling at me to come back, never listening when I told him that it was over. He didn’t believe me when I said I didn’t love him anymore.

Things went quiet after we moved. I had hoped he got the message, but maybe it was because he was searching… trying to seek me out again. Still not grasping the fact that we were truly never getting back together.

“He was there that day, when I ran away from you. That’s why I did it… I just couldn’t stand there under his gaze, let him get his claws into me again”

Sander looked at me with a heartbroken expression “You could have said something… I could have helped you”

I shook my head “I didn’t want to drag you down, I thought that I was too toxic for you. That’s why I ended it… you are such an incredible person, you didn’t deserve to be bogged down by all of my drama”

He clearly wanted to say more, but held his tongue until I had properly finished. That was something I wasn’t used to. Phil never cared about cutting me off. I barely even got the chance to say a couple of words before he was speaking again, my sentences clearly not intelligent enough for him to listen to.

“The thing is… Phil made me doubt myself so much that I didn’t speak. Every time I tried to say something, he just made me seem so stupid. But part of the reason why I didn’t end it was because I didn’t know it was abuse… I kept telling myself that he hadn’t hit me, so there was no reason to finish with him. He was gentle with me, even when he was being cruel. I would be wrapped up in his arms while he whispered poison in my ear…

“I know deep down that I’m not the reason it ended. He was the one that doomed our relationship. It’s just… I can’t escape from the things he ingrained in my brain. Every time I find someone I really like; I ruin it because I’m so dumb! That’s why nobody stays because they finally realise what a stupid, worthless person I am”

“Robbe…” Sander said softly, cupping my face lightly with his hands “Listen very closely to words I’m telling you. You haven’t ruined anything. You are the most beautiful, funny, smart person I have ever met. Anyone that has ever told you differently can go to hell because you are worth everything. _Everything._ I know that these thoughts are going to take time to go away, but they will Robbe. They will because you are surrounded by so many people who love and care about you. We are going to be there every step of the way, showing you how much you mean to us. And you aren’t toxic… how could you be, when all you have done since walking into my life was brighten it?”

I sniffled, tears rolling down my face “You really mean that?”

He gently wiped them away with his thumbs “Every word, you are my whole world, Robbe. You’re my universe”

“I love you” I choked out, feeling an instant relief after finally letting it all out after all this time

I could see Sander’s eyes glaze over with tears as I continued talking.

“I know we maybe didn’t get off to the best of starts… but our time together has been incredible, and I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I’m so grateful that you’re here with me now”

“Me neither… there is nowhere else I would rather be” he whispered “I love you too”

Our lips connected tenderly and slowly, moving against one another as if for the first time. It tasted of salty tears but neither of us cared. It was perfect.

“I love you” I repeated, sighing against his lips “I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Can I start to redeem myself for the past 7 chapters now? 🥺


	22. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally going to see Sander opening up and talking about what happened in the past... if you figured it out before you read it let me know. I'm curious to see how many people knew 
> 
> (Tw in the end notes)
> 
> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

My eyes fluttered open and I was met with the most gorgeous sight, something that a day ago I was sure I would never have the privilege of looking at again.

Robbe was laid there beside me, fast asleep and looking oh so peaceful. His cheeks were flushed such a delicate rosy colour and his curls were wildly sticking up on his head.

I couldn’t say how long I spent there just admiring the beauty before me. He just looked so angelic, even with half of his face squished against the pillow.

Yesterday had been… full on, to say the least. Robbe had opened up to me about his past, bearing his soul in a moment of complete vulnerability and trusting me with his heart. I loved that he felt safe enough with me to be able to do that. That is all I ever wanted him to feel.

It was also such a relief to understand everything that had been going on. To finally piece together everything and make sense of all the craziness that happened.

I could see that Robbe started to stir beside me, slowly opening his eyes and revealing the pools of golden brown. It was quickly becoming my all time favourite colour.

“Hi there, Sleeping Beauty” I greeted him softly, watching the soft smile spread across his face when he saw me there

“You stayed”

I was still shocked that he assumed I would leave him after the night before. But judging by the story he told me, Robbe wasn’t used to being treated like the absolute Prince he was. I was determined to make sure he knew how special he was from that point forth.

“Of course, I stayed” I told him “I’m never leaving you”

Robbe moved forward, bumping our foreheads together tenderly

“I really missed you” he breathed

I wrapped an arm around Robbe’s waist, stroking his side with my thumb

“I missed you too” I whispered “so much… nothing was right while you were gone”

He sniffed a little tears welling up in his eyes “The same here, my life was so dim without you”

I lifted my hand to his face, cupping it gently “I’m here now, Robbe… and I always will be”

Robbe shifted forwards, connecting our lips together in a slow kiss. It was just a small press of lips together but I still gave it everything I had, making sure he could feel my love.

***

We laid together in a mostly comfortable silence. I say mostly because I assumed Robbe was ok, or at least getting there, but my head was buzzing with all the things I thought I should get off my chest. The conversation I had with Lilly was really sticking with me, making me rethink everything I thought I had to stop thinking about all this time.

Shoving things to the back of my mind had been working for a while, but it had made me blow up at one of the people that had been with me through everything. That had always been a shoulder to cry on. Senne was so supportive… he really didn’t deserve for me to rip his head off like that.

So, it made me think about if it was such a good idea to do that anymore. If it would benefit me to let some things out, to open up about my demons just as Robbe did to me.

I said to him that he could have spoken to me about the things that were plaguing him… I was sure that it was a two way street and he would be more than happy to listen to what I had to say. That was just the type of person Robbe was.

“Hey, Robbe?”

He looked over at me, still a little bleary eyed from sleep “Yeah?”

“Could I talk to you about something?”

He shifted a little, showing me that I had his full attention

“Of course, you can” he said earnestly, eyes widened in seriousness “Is everything ok?”

I nodded, fidgeting with the hem of my t-shirt

“Everything is fine… I just want to get something off my chest. I haven’t really spoken to anyone about it, it’s kind of just been building up inside me for a while. But you told me something really close to your heart yesterday, and I feel brave enough to do the same with you”

“That’s great” he told me, smiling kindly “I’m so glad you want to share something with me, but you know you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I wasn’t expecting you to give me a secret in exchange or anything like that”

“No, no… I know that. I just really trust you enough to let you in”

I sat up a little and reached up, pulling my t-shirt over my head, putting all of my upper body on display. I could see Robbe’s eyes scanning me, his mouth opening a little, but he soon met my eyes again; determined to show he was listening to what I was saying.

My hands came down to the right side of my stomach, tracing the outline. It was a simple tattoo, but in my opinion it was the most beautiful one I had ever gotten. The design was loosely inspired by the girl with the balloon artwork by Banksy. There were two dark figures, one slightly smaller than the other. They were both facing one another and holding out their hands, reaching out… but they didn’t touch.

Robbe gazed at it in awe but didn’t say anything, allowing me to talk.

I waited a moment, mentally planning the things I was going to say, before I began to let everything out.

“So, it was a couple of years ago… it’s weird, it simultaneously feels like it happened yesterday and an age ago. But, um… things had been a little tense with my family. We were all arguing a lot and just being a general nuisance to one another. It was just little digs, you know? Nothing that I thought would matter in the long run”

Robbe nodded, reaching his hand out and leaving splayed open on the bed, ready for me to take if I wanted to. Obviously, I grasped it without a moment of hesitation.

“My Dad and I had always been close, we had a really strong bond when I was young. He was one of the people that I was closest to in the entire world. But, as I grew older… things changed. I would snipe at him and he would shout at me. I don’t even know why. None of our arguments are memorable – at least, the reasons they started are a mystery to me. All I do know is that we would scream at each other when we didn’t get our own way.

“Then… um... Then, one day we came to massive blows. God knows who initiated it but it ended with him yelling at me for not being responsible. For always being immature and not listening… I said some frankly _awful_ things back. Not that I meant any of them, it was just a retaliation. But, he left in a huff, yelling things and slamming the door”

I took a deep breath, steadying myself before I continued

“I went off to work and stayed there for longer than I had to, not wanting to go home and get into another stupid argument with him. Me, Noor and Moyo were just chilling in the break room. We were joking around and generally having a good time. I was completely distracted from all of the things that happened at home. I hadn’t even really been thinking about it”

There was nothing that I could remember from that conversation at work. Maybe I was teasing them about their flirting, or making jokes about each other’s hair. All I did know is, nothing could have been that important.

“Then Lilly phoned me up. She was practically screaming down the phone, begging me to come home… she said that something really bad had happened and I needed to get there as soon as I could”

My breathing was getting quicker, I could feel it, but I couldn’t slow down

“He… He…” I gasped, trying to get my words out “He- another car… another car hit him when he was on his way back home. I rushed over there, but by the time I got to him…”

I burst into tears, my whole body shaking like a leaf.

Robbe grabbed hold of my shoulders, pulling me into him as I crumbled completely.

“It’s ok” he whispered, gripping onto me with so much force it was almost painful “let it out… let it all out”

“I never got to tell him how much he meant to me” I cried “I never will. He died with that argument being the last thing we ever said! What kind of son does that make me?”

“You can’t think like that” he said softly, his voice shaking a little. It sounded like he was crying too but I couldn’t be sure “Sander, one conversation shouldn’t tarnish the entire time you spent with your Dad. You are an amazing person and no doubt an amazing son… trust me on that”

I couldn’t say anything more, the words getting caught in my throat whenever I tried to speak. So I settled for nuzzling closer into Robbe’s arms and seeking out the comfort he was giving me.

He held me for what felt like hours, whispering sweet words in my ear. I just sat there, clinging onto him and burying my hands in his hair.

It felt like I was falling. Like the string holding me on to the rest of society had been cut and I was drifting away. I was so glad that Robbe was there to ground me, make sure I didn’t fall completely into the abyss.

***

“I… I’m sorry if I’ve come on too strong at times” I said, eventually. Mumbling into his shoulder

It had been ages since the two of us last said anything and Robbe seemed to flinch when he heard it. Whether that was because the sound gave him a jump or if it was because he disagreed with the sentence, I wasn’t sure.

He put his hands on me, pushing me away at arms length and staring at me intently

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“I just… I spoke to Senne and Lilly about things and they said that I tend to cling onto people. So, if I made you feel uncomfortable at any point-”

“Sander-”

“It’s a fear that I have… that I will lose more people. So, subconsciously I may have come on too strong”

He shook his head, running his hand through my hair, tucking it behind my ear

“No,” Robbe said to me “you have been perfect, Sander. You make me feel so good when we are together. I didn’t pull away because you made me uncomfortable, it was just because I was in such a bad place and I didn’t want you to be brought down”

“You know that I would have wanted to be with you” I told him solemnly “That’s what relationships are about, give and take”

I blurted it out before I could properly think about it. I had said relationship. Obviously, that could mean anything – friends have platonic relationships. But I still panicked, worried about how he would react. We still hadn’t properly talked about what we were and, although I now understood why he did it, Robbe ran away the last time I had broached the topic.

He had told me he loved me yesterday, which was like music to my ears. It was exactly what I had wanted him to say since I first laid eyes on him through the shop window. I had said it back… to be honest, it was surprising that it hadn’t escaped my mouth before that moment. I had wanted to say it for so long. But there was a part of me that worried he only said it because his emotions were amplified. Maybe he didn’t actually mean it.

Robbe seemed unfazed by my wording though, leaning in and brushing our noses together.

“I know” he said softly “and I actually feel so good after talking to you about things… do you feel any better?”

“I do” I replied “thank you for letting me talk about it”

He kissed me softly, his hands holding my face like it was something precious

“Of course”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: brief mention of a car crash and brief mentions of death. It doesn't go into detail but be aware if that may be triggering for you x
> 
> So, that bit at the end where Sander is a bit unsure and worried when he mentioned the word relationship? Don't even worry about that, the next chapter will flatten those thoughts 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 🧡


	23. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys... I'm actually getting kinda sad. It's almost at the end :(   
> Maybe I should just... not upload any more chapters. That way it never truly ends. I'm kiddinggggg... unless 👀

I woke up in the morning and saw the bed empty beside me. Any other time I would have been worried but firstly, I was secure in the fact that Sander wasn’t going anywhere… or I was getting there at least. Secondly, I could hear the faint mumbles of a male voice in the kitchen. So, unless one of the girls had a boy round this early in the morning, which I severely doubted, it was Sander.

As I walked out of my room I overheard their conversation drifting through the hallway. I would claim that I didn’t mean to listen in, but that would be a bare faced lie.

“How are things with you two now?” I heard Yasmina ask

“It might be weird to say this now because of how emotional things were… but I think this is the best we have ever been”

“I don’t think it’s weird” she said, grabbing some cereal and pouring it into some bowls “you two needed to talk things out and break down all the barriers that were keeping you two from fully trusting. Now that you have… it’s almost like a fresh start” 

“I’m just happy that I’m with him again” Sander confessed “I was a wreck without him” 

My heart felt so full to hear him talking like that, saying things that I was thinking too. It was just so nice to know that we were completely on the same wavelength. That everything was going well now, and the worst truly did seem to be over. 

Obviously there were some issues that were going to be raised at some point. Like the fact Philip knew where Sander lived. That was something that had been plaguing my mind, making it a little hard to fall asleep. But with Sander next to me, things seemed lighter. 

Yasmina sat herself down next to Sander at the table, shoving one of the bowls towards him 

“Eat” she told him, in an almost demanding tone “It’s good, trust me” 

He shrugged “Well, I have no reason to doubt you… from what I’ve heard, you always seem to be right” 

“Oh no, don’t tell her that” I groaned, deciding to stop spying on them “her head is big enough as it is” 

She scoffed “Excuse me… Do I have to take back all of my love and affection, Robbe? I’ll do it, I’ll take my hugs away” 

I grinned, wandering round and wrapping an arm around her, careful to make sure she could still eat her food. 

I wanted to make sure she knew how much I appreciated her because I didn’t think that any amount of words would ever be able to truly convey that. 

“I’m only kidding” I muttered sleepily “I love you really, Yas” 

I could feel the way she softened as soon as she heard the words leave my mouth. She dropped her spoon back in the bowl, lifted her arms up and wound them round my neck, refusing to let me go. 

“I love you too, you silly boy” she mumbled into my hair 

Suddenly a high pitched squeal interrupted our tender moment 

“I’m missing the hugs?” Zoë rushed over, practically launching herself at us and dragging Sander along in the process. 

It almost made him spill his breakfast all over the table, but it was nice to see him be included. It made me feel really nice inside that my friends liked him so much. They wouldn’t take anything less than perfect after what had happened with Phil. So, it was great that he got their seal of approval. 

I was also happy that Sander was happy in this environment. From what he told me the day before, he had been carrying so much on his shoulders for years. Taking blame for something that wasn’t even his fault and putting himself down for things that shouldn’t have even mattered in the grand scheme of things. 

I knew that I was wrong before. I didn’t bring Sander down and he didn’t come on too strong either. We were just on opposite sides of a scale, keeping each other perfectly in balance. 

***

Sander and I were in my room, lounging around still in our… well,  _my_ pyjamas. He had insisted on borrowing some, claiming that it was only fair considering the amount of times I had donned his clothes. They looked so hilarious on him, the trouser legs barely grazing his ankles and the t-shirt exposing his stomach every time he raised his arms slightly. 

Each time he did so, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo he revealed to me. One of the most minimalist he had, yet it had a certain underrated beauty. I felt so relieved that he thought me trustworthy enough to tell me about it, when it was clearly something he kept close to his chest. 

The hideout in my room was mainly to get out of the girls’ prying eyes. They hadn’t stopped glancing over and teasing us in the kitchen. Which I had expected but it was starting to get a little tiresome. All I wanted to do was cling onto my… all I wanted to do was cling onto him and not be interrupted by the childish screams of my best friends. I loved them but they were working my last nerve. 

And it was odd… the entire time spent alone in my room it felt like the walls were closing in on me and there was a reduction of air. Yet, when I invited people in those problems disappeared and I was left with a feeling of cosiness and warmth. Especially when Sander was by my side. 

We had been messing around, sharing laughter and smiles for hours. Not really doing anything in particular other than wanting the other to share the sweet sound of their happiness out loud. I lived for the sound of his chuckle, the vibrations that it sent out in the air. 

Suddenly, Sander stopped. We were both standing beside my bed, just standing there in almost a stalemate, looking at each other. 

He grasped my hands, holding them both tightly in his. I could feel the slight tremble in his touch, indicating how nervous he was.

“I know I tried to do this before” he said, a slight smile tugging at his lips “but it didn’t go quite right. So… can I try again?”

“Of course you can” I whispered, hardly daring to talk any louder, scared that I might wake up from whatever dream I was in otherwise

“Robbe IJzermans… you are one of the greatest people I have ever known. The second I saw you, I’m pretty sure I fell in love right there and then. That’s pretty cliché, I know… but it’s true. How could it not be? You lit up that entire building with your beauty, even I could see that from where I was stood outside”

I could feel the blush rising on my cheeks as he stared at me intently, showing me how sincere he was

“You are the most stunning, intelligent, talented human being to ever come into my life… and now that you have, I don’t ever want you to leave. I know that isn’t the most romantic setting. There isn’t a wide array of flowers surrounding us or an orchestra providing the appropriate soundtrack to our love story. But I think the place we are in right here, right now, is perfect” 

“Stood in my pyjamas?” I asked, a blush burning on my face 

“Yes” he confirmed “stood right here in your adorable attire. I am positive that you could not look more beautiful than you do in this very moment. And we would never be able to find a time as great as this one. So…” 

Sander got down onto one knee, not embarrassed in the slightest, only doing things he knew would make me smile. He stayed there, still clutching onto my hands and an almost desperate look in his eyes. 

I couldn’t help but flush. It was just that I wasn’t used to theatrics and romance. I never had anything like it happen to me before. 

At the start of my relationship with Phil we were both in the closet, so all of our ‘proposals’ were kept strictly private and behind closed doors. But they were so much different to this. Phil would say things in a way that he was trying to keep them apart from even himself. That he could not even fathom the idea of actually having romantic feelings for me. It made me wonder if he ever actually wanted to be with me at all. He never really showed it, there was not really a hint of romance anywhere. Even to say things were platonic would be a stretch. He was almost a robot with the amount of emotion he put into things. 

Even when we could be out together, he never bothered. He didn’t see the point of having to shove it in everyone’s faces. At the time I agreed, never wanting to be the centre of attention anyway, but I could see how wrong that was when Sander was staring at me. It was wonderful to feel his love radiating from his entire being, knowing how much he cared for me. Seeing how proud he was of it. 

Then, I realised something. If it made me so happy to see Sander doing something like that, to have him express his love and affection for me. I should at least try and do the same for him, let him know how much he was desired and how much I adored him. 

“Sander?” I said, cutting him off 

He looked at me, a little puzzled and maybe a little hurt too. Maybe he thought that I was about to reject him. No, no way would I ever do that 

“I was just wondering… will you be my boyfriend?” 

Sander’s mouth fell open in shock, before he crossed his arms over his chest in defiance 

“Robbe, I was trying so hard to be romantic here. I’m down on one knee proposing an idea to you… and you go and steal my thunder” 

The only thing that I could do was laugh. I knew that he wasn’t really hurt, far from it. The way that his mouth kept twisting and his brow was twitching made it clear to me that he was trying so hard to keep the wide grin off his face. 

“Ok, sorry” I giggled “You can go now” 

“Thank you” he sighed, rolling his eyes fondly “Now what I was about to ask… Will you _please_ be my boyfriend?”

I couldn’t stop the smile that was spreading across the entirety of my face. I didn’t really want to either. Sander needed to see how truly happy he made me.

“If you’ll be mine?” I asked sweetly, trying to be romantic. Judging by the way his eyes softened, it worked

“Of course I will. I will be whatever you let me”

“Then yes!” I squealed “I accept your proposal”

He got up in an instant and I threw my arms around his neck. I hugged him with so much force that he stumbled back a little, almost falling backwards onto the floor.

Once he regained his balance, he grabbed me by the waist, picking me up easily in his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and clung onto him, beaming.

It reminded me so much of our first date, our first kiss. The desperation we had felt. The outpouring of love and built up admiration that we thought we had to hide for so long. It had been such a perfect moment, one that I thought of fondly often.

Sander tilted his head forwards, pressing our lips together in a kiss. It was mainly just clashing teeth because we were smiling so hard, but I wouldn’t change a single thing about it.

He put me down on the bed, with a slight force that I bounced a little. He propped himself up on his arms, hovering above me, his entire face still lit up. I could hardly catch my breath. Some people might have suggested I was winded, but I knew it was because the sight of the boy above me was just that breathtaking.

“I’m so happy right now” He sighed, bumping his forehead against mine “I love you so much, Robbe”

“I love you too”

We stayed there on my bed, wrapped up in each other’s arms in a tight embrace. Neither one of us wanting to be the person to let go first. We were in our little bubble and wanted nothing to burst it.

Of course, it had to come to an end, it wasn’t like we could just bask in the rays of our love all day. As much as we wanted to.

“I need to go back to my place at some point today” Sander mumbled, sighing

“No!” I whined, clinging on tighter to him and throwing one of my legs over his, pinning him in place “Don’t go”

“I have to, baby. I am in desperate need of a change of clothes”

“And is there something wrong with my clothes?” I asked, affronted

He chuckled under his breath “Of course not, other than the fact they don’t fit me properly. Although, that would make sense as to why you want me in them. You just want to keep staring at my body”

I lifted my head up, pressing my lips against his jawline “Guilty as charged”

“I still have to go though” he told me, rubbing a hand up and down my arm “There is a very much needed conversation with Senne”

“Oh… is everything ok?”

He sighed deeply, taking a moment before answering my question

“Um, not really. We kind of left things on a bad note. We had a bit of an argument and we still haven’t spoken about it, so… we probably should sooner rather than later. It’s probably not something that will blow up spectacularly but I don’t want to keep pushing things down, you know?”

I nodded “That makes sense. It’s best that you two talk things through, whatever it is”

Sander hummed in acknowledgment “You could come with me if you want? Get a change of scenery instead of being holed up here”

I loved how much he cared for me. Even the subtle things about my well being made me feel so much adoration towards him… towards my boyfriend. It felt surreal that I could call him that, after all of the uncertainty.

“Yeah, ok” I agreed “I’ll come lay in your bed instead of mine”

He bent his head down and pressed a kiss on top of my unruly curls “Sounds like a plan”

***

We wandered along the road, finally nearing Sander’s flat, when he turned to me

“You know what I just realised?” he said softly, winding his arms around me and hovering his lips above mine

“What?” I asked, sounding a little dazed because of how close he was standing

“I can finally shout from the rooftops about my wonderful boyfriend”

“You’re such a dork” I snorted

“But I’m your dork”

“You’re my dork” I agreed, before kissing him gently, my fingers twisting in his hair

I revelled in the knowledge that I would never have to worry about the possibilities or what ifs with us anymore. We were together and happy, probably the happiest we had ever been. That was all that mattered and nothing could ruin that.

Even when we pulled back from the kiss, Sander continued to hold me in his arms. I would have gladly stayed there forever. He was my safe space and I felt completely content when I was with him.

The I heard someone clearing their throat behind me. Immediately Sander’s grip on me tightened and I could sense the tension in his body rising.

“San, what’s wrong?” I asked, slowly turning around

In the back of my mind, I knew what I would be faced with. Yet, the reality was still terrifying

“Hi Robbe” Philip said, that same signature smirk on his face. It was sickening just looking at it

“Don’t even think about it” Sander hissed, his voice angrier than I had ever heard it before “Turn around and leave”

Philip advanced forwards, completely ignoring him

“Keep out of this, Sander” he said simply, his eyes narrowed “It doesn’t concern you”

“Of course it concerns me. Robbe is my boyfriend and I’m going to protect him from anything that causes him harm… that includes you, you absolute nincompoop”

Philip rolled his eyes “You can’t seriously think that’s intimidating. You really believe that some tiny insult that children use in the playgrounds is enough to deter me? That it’s going to make me burst into tears and run away? How stupid do you think I am?”

“Is that an actual question? Because I would take great honour in answering that. You need to be taken down a peg or two”

“And you’re going to be the one to do that? Get real”

He continued to move closer to us and I could feel Sander try and push me behind him, to try and protect me. Which I appreciated, I really did. It meant a lot that he wanted to shield me from one of my greatest fears. But there was something that had to be done. And it had to be me specifically that did it.

“What’s with the face?” he said snarkily “Did you not miss me?”

It was all I could do not to run away or pass out right there on the spot. But I knew that’s what he wanted. He would have liked nothing more than his power to leave me totally incapacitated like before. But this time it wouldn’t happen. This time I had Sander with me. Someone who truly loved and cared about me. He wouldn’t let some evil creature make me crumble under their gaze.

“No” I said, trying my best to keep my voice level

Philip raised an eyebrow “No? You mean you don’t miss having someone waiting on you hand and food, keeping you financially secure while you lounge around at home? I don’t believe it. Leaving home was the biggest mistake you ever made, Robbe and I know you regret it”

I could feel Sander shaking with rage behind me and the curling of his fist at my side. The last thing I wanted was for him to arrested over such a pathetic little weed such as Phil. He wasn’t worth it. So, I held his hand in mine, squeezing it tight as I tried to tune out Philip’s onslaught of words.

“I know you regret the torture you put me through, all that time searching… wondering where the love of my life was” He continued, almost spitting the words out at me like a venomous snake “I’m willing to forgive you, though. I can forget about it all”

I wanted to laugh. He can forgive me? Forgive me for what? Running away and getting out of the most toxic environment I had ever been in in my entire life? For saving myself mentally and possibly physically? I was wasting away there, my brain falling apart from the lack of sun and social interaction. And he had the audacity to suggest I was the one that needed forgiving.

“You did an awful thing, Robbe… you continued to do awful things. But I can move past it, we can move past it together. You can drop whatever little fling this is and come back. You don’t need him – you don’t need anyone else. Just me. Just us, together”

“You can’t be serious” Sander spat “Me and Robbe love each other, a few of your empty words isn’t going to change that”

Phil glared at him, malice in his eyes “You are nothing to him. He loves me and only me. It has always been that way and it always will. He may have convinced you that you’re forever… but that would be foolish of you to believe. He is only going to leave you and come back to me where he belongs”

There was no way that I would ever leave Sander again. He was one of the best things to ever happen to me. One of the most genuine people I had ever met. He was so loving and caring, treated me like I actually mattered instead of some doll to place around the house as a decoration.

The only way I would ever leave him is if someone forcefully removed me. Because I would never voluntarily give him up. Not for anything. Surely not for the promise of a future with a weasel like Phil.

I straightened myself, trying to add some height and look more confident than I actually felt inside.

“No, I didn’t miss you.” I repeated “Not one little bit and you want to know why? Because you are an absolutely _awful_ person. You made me feel like a prisoner and an outsider all at once in my own home. You put me through so much torment, you are _still_ putting me through so much torment – and for what? To make yourself feel big? To feel like a man? Well it must suck for you because you aren’t and never will be either of those things. You are such a small minded, idiotic, cruel person. And if I _ever_ see your face around here, if I hear so much as a whisper of your croaky little voice, I will call the police. Do you understand?”

He stayed silent, his face looking faintly stunned. He had never heard me speak up for myself before, not in all the years we had been together. It felt good to finally wipe that constantly smug expression off his contorted little face.

“I said… Do. You. Understand” I repeated, my voice stern

Philip snorted, looking us both up and down in disgust “You can’t be serious”

“You heard him” Sander snarled “Get out of here before I make you”

Then he reached out to me, hands slightly shaking and eyes widening. A look he did a lot of the time in the past

“Robbe…” he said, voice much softer than before “Please, I can’t live without you… I’ve been _dying_ without you. You have to come back…”

All I wanted to do was laugh in his face. He really thought he could pull out all his old tricks and I would crumble to his knees like the worshipper I used to be? No. I had changed and would never be that way again.

“You can’t just show up out of the blue and expect me to fall at your feet. You can’t just beg me to come back to that pit of snakes you call a house and expect me to come with you blindly. You can’t _follow my boyfriend home_ and expect me to be ok with that. How could you think that is normal behaviour? That is so creepy I cannot even begin to explain how sick it makes me – how sick _you_ make me”

He reached out again, his hand coming dangerously close to making contact with me. After everything he said, he thought he could attempt to put his hand on me. If the situation wasn’t so daunting I may have found it slightly funny.

“Touch him and you lose your hand” Sander almost growled in anger, lunging forwards

I caught his arm, making sure he didn’t do something that would get him arrested. Because I knew that if any part of him came in contact with that rat, he would run straight to the police claiming assault.

Phil retracted his arm, folding it against his chest instead.

His face looked vaguely defeated, his eyes darting between me and Sander at a quickening rate, as if he wasn’t sure who to try and manipulate next. Well, it wouldn’t have worked with either of us. Not that time. Not ever again. There was no way he was going to ruin my chance at a happy ending. I wouldn’t let him.

So I delivered the finishing blow. Verbally, of course… although I wished more than anything I could have punched him square in his greasy face with no repercussions.

“I won’t say it again” I told him, not even wanting to look him in the eyes anymore “I’m finally happy, with Sander. I’m not going to let you stomp on that. Not for any of the lies you spin. You can’t get me tangled in your webs again”

Philip scoffed, the scornful expression back on his face just as quickly as it had disappeared

“You know what?” he said bitterly, throwing his hands up in the air “I’m going. This isn’t worth my time. You two idiots deserve each other. But don’t come crawling back to me when it all goes to hell. I won’t be there welcoming you with open arms… I won’t forgive you for this again, Robbe”

He gave us both a fiery glare and spat at out feet before spinning on his heel and stalking down the road, still mumbling under his breath in anger.

“Pathetic” Sander mumbled beside me “Are you alright?”

I twisted round in his arms and buried my face in his chest, letting out all the tension in my body and letting him hold me. I was so glad he was there or I probably would have crumbled to the floor, becoming a pile of limbs on the pavement.

“I… I don’t know” I mumbled into the fabric

He held me tightly as I shook. It was partly from anger and the shock of seeing again but mostly relief. I finally stood up to him and got him to leave… maybe not forever. Although I certainly hoped he would get the message this time. But I wouldn’t be letting him control me anymore, that’s one thing I was certain of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know... I was going to say something in these end notes. But I forgot what it was. Love that.   
> Anyway, hope you liked this chapter. I was tempted to have some punches thrown... but y'know... law. And I know that it would be satisfying to have him get whacked in the face (believe me, I was so close to writing it) but idk I feel like Robbe would just get more worried about the repercussions for Sander and he doesn't need that, soo yeah. In an alternate ending, Phil was thrown off a cliff though if that makes anyone feel better


	24. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 4 chapters to go... how we all feeling?

I was a little nervous about going to the flat. Senne and I still hadn’t spoken to each other since our argument. I had meant to but I got so caught up with Robbe that everything else took a back seat and didn’t seem that important.

Then just before we got there we had that run in with Robbe’s toxic ex boyfriend. I had wanted so badly to punch him into next week, but what mattered the most was that Robbe felt safe and I knew completely losing my cool was not going to help with that.

I opened up the door, walking in with Robbe tucked underneath one of my arms and snuggling into my side.

At the sound of our footsteps, Senne came rushing in, looking a little tired and dishevelled

“Hi” he breathed out, sounding relieved when he saw me, and a look of confusion passed over his face when he spotted Robbe standing there next to me “Oh… are you two…?”

“Hey Senne” Robbe said shyly before looking up at me “Is it alright if I go lay down in your room? I’m just wiped out after all of that… plus, you two need to talk properly”

I nodded in agreement “Of course you can, baby”

He reached up and pressed a quick kiss to my mouth, then shuffled down the hall, his head hung a little in tiredness. The way he had almost shrunk inside of himself physically hurt me. I couldn’t understand how that guy could have hurt a boy as sweet and innocent as Robbe. How twisted was his mind that he decided to rob a boy that happy of all the joy inside of him?

“Is he alright?” Senne asked me, once he was out of earshot

“Kind of… We had a bit of confrontation with his ex just now, so he’s kind of shaken. But I think he’ll be ok”

“So you two worked everything out then? That’s good, he must really need you right now”

“Yeah… and I need him. It was all just a load off crossed wires… I won’t go into it because I don’t know if he’s comfortable with that but… yeah, it’s all worked out now” I sighed “We just needed to sit down and get everything off our chests, it’s made all the difference”

We both stood there, looking at each other awkwardly. The last time we had been together I had ripped his head off in anger, so I knew it should be me to make the first move to apologise. Even if what he said hurt me, he did it with the best of intentions.

“Look, I’m really sorry Senne. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did, it was completely out of order. You were just trying to be a good friend but I threw it back in your face. The things you were saying were right, I just didn’t want to admit them and I went about my denial in the worst way. I’m sorry…”

He shook his head “No, I should be apologising. I pushed those conversations on you when I knew you weren’t really emotionally ready to be having them. I should have stopped when you told me to but I didn’t. I only have myself to blame for you shouting at me. If the roles were reversed, I certainly would have done the same”

I nodded “Maybe so, but it helped in the long run. I told Robbe about what happened and how I was feeling… he was so supportive and it really helped. I didn’t think it would, but it did. So, thank you for giving me a nudge”

Senne snorted “It wasn’t a nudge, more like a shove but… you’re welcome. I’m glad you could talk about it with him”

“Yeah, me too”

I shuffled a little on my feet, not sure what to do next. That was, until Senne rolled his eyes fondly, reaching his arms out

“Come hug me, stupid” he said, laughingly

I stepped into his arms, clinging on tight as he held me. I had missed him so much in the past few days. It was weird not speaking to him or seeing him. I vowed to myself there and then that I wouldn’t let things get that far again, that I needed to actually start expressing my emotions and letting them out instead of trying to push them down and let them fester inside.

He slowly disentangled our limbs, patting me on the back and moving away a little

“Now, go be with your boy, we have all the time in the world to talk but he seemed in real need of some company. Specifically yours”

“Ok… are you sure things are ok with us now, though?” I asked him, still a little wary. I knew that we had both been idiots but I just needed to make sure it was definitely water under the bridge

“Yes, Sander” he told me, sincerely “We’re good… I promise you. Now go!”

I smiled and turned away, walking towards my room. The feelings of tension had dissipated from my body, or it seemed less prominent than when I first got there.

All that mattered to be was seeing if Robbe was alright. He must have been so shaken to see someone with such a horrible impact on his life reappearing like that. That guy was the reason he locked himself in his room for weeks, the reason why he cut off everyone.

As much as he showed immense bravery outside, turning him away… it must have taken all of the inner strength he could muster to do so. I had to be there to make sure he didn’t collapse in on himself again.

I opened the door slowly and went in, hearing him mumbling on the phone.

“Yeah… I’m assuming Zoë gave you an update? You didn’t have to be here… yes, I know you would have done but I didn’t want everyone there. It was already too stifling with the girls” Robbe saw me sit down next to him on the bed and flashed me a small smile “Look, I have to go… I’ll be back at the shop soon. No, I won’t be pushing myself. Yeah, love you too… bye”

He hung up the phone and placed it on the night-stand with a sigh, flopping onto me.

“Jens?” I asked, bringing my hand up to his hair

“Yeah, I realised that I hadn’t called him yet and he was probably worried. Figured I shouldn’t put it off for much longer or I wouldn’t do it at all” Robbe mumbled tiredly

It was kind of amusing to me that when I first met Robbe, a phone call like that would have stirred up all the jealousy inside of me. I had wanted to be the person he was saying those words to, to be the one to hear his tender voice. And now I was. I was the recipient of his affections, the one who had his name written all over their heart. The one that got to call him their boyfriend. It was silly to even think that it could have gone a different way.

He nuzzled his head into my t-shirt, curling up and closing his eyes

“How are you feeling?” I whispered, pressing a soft kiss to his head

He was silent for a while, the only sounds being his faint breathing

“I don’t know” he finally came out with “I’m feeling everything and nothing all at once… does that make sense?”

“Kind of… do you feel like explaining it?”

“I obviously feel angry and want to lash out but also cry, you know? He came here… he came to your flat, trying to track me down. He completely invaded by life, trying to ruin it _again…_ I just want to scream… but also, there’s an emptiness. I don’t really know if it’s relief? That maybe he’s gone and a part of me can finally start to move on? I don’t know…”

“You can start to move on” I confirmed “At least, in baby steps. That creep won’t bother you again, Robbe”

He sat up, looking at me with wide eyes. The tired bags indicating the lack of sleep were evident and stood out starkly on his pale face

“How do you know that for sure?” he asked me, voice trembling slightly “Yas said the same thing the last time I left”

I reached out and gripped his hands tightly in mine

“Ok… I don’t know for sure. Nobody can really. But what I do know is this… I’m here this time and so are all of your friends. None of us would let that creep anywhere near you. Plus… and this one is even more important, you stood up to him yourself. That’s what will stick with him. The one person he thought he could control told him no, told him that none of his mind games would work. I think you’re underestimating the power of what you did”

Robbe practically put his full body weight onto me, hugging me so fiercely that I fell back completely onto the mattress. I wrapped my arms around his back, gripping him with the same force and making sure he knew how sincere I was. I needed him to know that I would always protect him.

“You were so brave, Robbe”

He lifted up his head, looking at me in the eyes

“Because you were there with me. You always make me stronger. I’m better when you’re by my side” Robbe leant forwards, kissing me lightly “I really do love you”

I couldn’t stop the smile that came over my face, hearing him say those words would never fail to make my heart skip a beat, that I was sure of

“I love you too” I said softly “and you make me so much better too. I love who I am when you’re around, the world just becomes so much brighter. That may just be because you’re the sun itself, but-”

Robbe began kissing me again, cutting me off. I could feel the shape of his smile pressing against mine and when I lightly cupped his face I could feel the heat radiating from his cheeks.

That boy in my arms was all I ever wanted and needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ok so, the phone call with Jens might have felt a little odd being there... and I apologise for that. But I forgot that I needed to mention him, so if we could just pretend like it fits in that would be great haha) 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! 🧡


	25. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is an angst free zone, enjoy!

It felt so good to be back in the shop after all of that time spent away, locked in my room. As soon as I walked into the door I could feel the waves of contentment wash over me. It was such an amazing feeling.

Jens practically launched himself at me when he spotted me come in

“I’ve missed you so much!” he gushed, gripping me tightly “Please don’t ever leave me again”

I pulled away, raising an eyebrow “Or have you just missed having someone to cover your shifts? I bet your girls haven’t been too impressed with you actually having to do your job as of late”

He scoffed “You think so little of me? No, idiot… I missed _you._ You’re one of my best friends, of course I missed you. Everyone did actually. We’ve had customers waiting specifically for you to come back, they only felt comfortable having you cut their hair”

“Really?”

“Yeah! They told me to let them know as soon as you come back. Since you’re here, you could always phone them up and give them the good news yourself?”

I pushed him, laughing “There you go, already trying to push your work on me. I did wonder how long it would take until you caved”

He shook his head, shrugging “Fine, fine, you go ahead and think the worst of me yet again. But could you do it while you handle those phone calls? Thanks, honey”

He ran away laughing as I tried to swat him with my hand. Jens was so irritating at times, but I still loved him. The banter and teasing between us was what I lived for. I was so glad that it hadn’t changed, that was something I had been worried about. That the time I had off would shift our dynamic. Thankfully things just seemed to slot right back into place, going back to way things were before. It was like I only had a few days off, not weeks.

“Sooo…” He said teasingly as he wandered around the shop, getting things prepared for when we opened “How are things going with Sander? Zoë refused to tell me anything! Which, don’t get me started on that… I’m still annoyed that you told her things before you told me”

“Oh come on” I said, chuckling “I live with her! She gets roommate benefits, sorry. But things are going amazingly. He is officially my boyfriend now and after we properly talked and got everything out in the open, things have just felt even better than they were before. There is no barriers now, I feel so close to him”

It was true. I was so glad that I opened up to him about my struggles. He had been so supportive and loving, even more so than he had been before. He was just perfect. Ok… maybe not _perfect,_ but he was perfect for me – as cliché as that sounded.

We were like yin and yang, peanut butter and jelly, chocolate cookies and bread (yes it’s an odd combination, but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it). The point was that we fit together. We just worked perfectly, in complete harmony and sync with one another.

I had been waiting my entire life to find someone like that. I thought that I had it with Phil, but since having Sander in my life, I saw how completely wrong I was.

He was a gentleman, always checking on my needs but never in a patronising and overbearing way. And I was never too clingy with him, that he reassured me of many times. He still had to most of the time, but I was slowly coming around and not apologising when I climbed all over him like the clingy koala I was. It was nice to be able to seek out the physical contact I desperately craved and be given it without question.

No matter what he was doing, whether that be cooking, reading or talking on the phone, some part of him would always want to be touching me. It could range from anything to a full body hug or just a light brushing of our fingers together. But no matter what, it always sent tingles rushing through my skin. I didn’t think I would ever get used to the feeling of his skin on mine.

The thing that I found a little odd at first was that he was worried about being to clingy himself. I had almost laughed, but given the vulnerability of that moment I didn’t deem it appropriate. I obviously set the record straight though. To be honest, even if he became more clingy, I would not mind one little bit. If it meant I could get more attention and hugs from my boyfriend, sign me up.

“I’m so happy for you!” Jens exclaimed “You really deserve this after everything”

I smiled widely “Thanks”

“Am I going to be able to meet him soon?” he asked “I feel like we should be properly introduced. The last couple times he was either glaring daggers at me, or being dragged out by you way too quickly”

“Umm, I guess so. I’m swinging by his work later, you can come if you want?”

He grinned “To the tattoo parlour? Hell yes!”

“Great, we can go when our shifts are finished, then”

“Sounds good, just don’t abandon me and race off to see your boyfriend alone” he teased “I don’t want to be forgotten”

I rolled my eyes at him and scoffed “Don’t worry, it will be _years_ before I forget you!”

It almost had me dying of laughter seeing the shocked expression on his face. He recovered quickly though, wiping it off and pointing a finger at me.

“Fine” he said “your punishment for that is to make my phone calls”

I was already sitting down behind the desk, bringing up the numbers in the notebooks scattered over it

“We both knew I was going to do them anyway”

***

Jens and I walked in, heading to the break room where normally at least one of them would be lounging around. It did ponder the question… did any of them actually get work done? Or was it all just sitting around drinking coffee?

Sure enough, Noor and Moyo were on the sofa, sitting a little too close to be considered friendly. Sander had been telling me about how they obviously liked each other but wouldn’t do anything about it, their own stubbornness getting in the way. I hoped that they would work things out, they looked really cute together.

“Hey guys!” I greeted as I went in “I brought Jens with me, is that alright?”

Noor jumped back a little, an easy smile coming over her face to mask the awkwardness

“That’s fine! Hey Jens, it’s so great to see you again”

“Likewise, how have you been?”

She shrugged “Same old, same old. Not much occurring recently”

I didn’t really believe her words, catching her sneaking a side glance at Moyo as she was talking. Clearly something had been happening, way more than flirting that’s for sure.

“Yeah” Moyo agreed “Nothing special”

They continued to talk but I immediately zoned out of the conversation when I spotted a head of blonde hair walking into the room.

I got up and rushed towards him, throwing my arms around his neck and planting kisses all over his face unashamedly. His mouth, cheeks, nose, forehead. No place went untouched or unloved.

“Hey baby” he said, once I had ceased my onslaught of affection “to what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I just wanted to see you” I whispered

He smiled, pink tinting his cheeks in glee

“You want to know a secret?” he said softly, leaning towards my ear and leaving butterfly kisses along my cheek “I was going to come and see you later, too”

He pulled back, but only far enough that he could look into my eyes. I loved the colour of his. It was constantly changing in the light, the spectrum of green changing each time I saw it, sometimes a hint of gold appearing. He didn’t believe me on that but I knew it was true.

“As sickeningly sweet as this is to watch” Moyo said, bursting our bubble “Are you two going to sit and talk to us at any point?”

I could see in Sander’s eyes that he wanted to say no and completely ignore all of them but I knew we had to be social. That was why I had brought Jens, after all.

The two of us went over and sat on the sofa with the others, practically in each other’s laps with how close we were. None of them said anything, refraining from teasing us relentlessly. Which was actually a shock, considering their personalities and track records.

We settled into easy conversation, catching up on all the things we had been doing since we were last together, which was quite a lot actually. A surprising amount for an introvert such as myself.

All of us discussed how work was going and we all laughed about how fun it was was to get to work with your best friends. Even though it could be annoying at time having them constantly there.

It did remind me how lucky we all were to be able to be in a workplace with such caring people. It is kind of a relief that we aren’t stuck in places where we don’t get along with our co-workers… to be honest, the fact that we all met people interested in the same professions that also blended well with our personalities was a crazy coincidence. Of course, there are work friends, but our bonds felt different than that.

The topic eventually shifted to tattoos and whether or not we would ever get them.

“I would, for sure” Jens said enthusiastically, making me scoff under my breath “What’s the problem, Robbe?”

“Oh nothing… it’s just that one time we got drunk and you were all hyped up about getting a tattoo. But when we got there and you were sat in the chair, you started freaking out and crying about how scared you were of needles”

The others were in hysterics, clutching their stomachs and almost rolling off their chairs. Jens, on the other hand fixed me with a glare.

“Riddle me this, then. If I am so afraid of needles, how would I have gotten my ear pierced?”

I merely shrugged “I’m just telling you what I saw”

He sat back, grumbling and crossed his arms over his chest. It was kind of cute when he tried to act all grumpy because we could all tell his heart wasn’t really in it.

“What about you?” Moyo asked me, his eyes glittering with mischief “Are you ever gonna let one of us ink you?”

“I don’t really know” I pondered “Sometimes I think about it – I mean, my boyfriend is a tattoo artist so it’s very convenient”

“Oh, are you only with me for convenience, Robbe? The truth is coming out now” Sander exclaimed

He started to poke me in the side playfully, making me turn in on myself slightly to avoid the attack. He knew how ticklish I was and I did not want to burst out into giggles during the middle of an explanation.

“Of course not, idiot” I laughed, swatting him away and continuing on with what I was saying “But… I think I would want something really meaningful, y’know? Obviously, I really like the tattoos that people get simply because they like them. I just think that for me a message or a reminder would be good though. So, I’m not saying never… maybe sometime in the future”

“Just make sure you decide soon” Moyo replied

“Why?” I asked, a little confused

“Because if you and Sander break up, you won’t get it for free”

That earned him a slap on the arm from Noor. I could hear her hissing at him to shut up.

A while ago, a comment like that might have bothered me a little. But I was so sure about what I had with Sander, nothing would be able to break my happy mood. Instead, I leant back and let him wrap his arms around me in an even tighter embrace than we were previously in.

I raised my eyebrows “Lucky for me, we won’t be breaking up then”

“Damn right” Sander mumbled, pressing kisses to the top of my head

“Good job, Moyo” Jens said, rolling his eyes “you made them start with the PDA again”

They both groaned but all I could do was smile. How could I not when I was in the one place I had always wanted to be? Completely surrounded by love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! This chapter was kind of hard to write, considering not a lot actually happens... but I hope that you found it enjoyable to read :)


	26. Sander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're so close to the end. But it's fine... it's all good... 😭 
> 
> Just a sidenote, this is the last Sander pov chapter. Maybe that's a hint at what the end chapter will be? Is that too cryptic? Idk 
> 
> Enjoy the chapter!

When I woke up, I could smell a sweet aroma wafting through the flat.

I dragged myself out of bed and stumbled to the kitchen, investigating the cause. When I got there, I could see Robbe at the stove, making a batch of pancakes. He was staring intently at the batter in the pan, paying no attention to me as I came and stood beside him.

“Hey, baby” I greeted him softly, yet still startling him a little bit

His entire face lit up when he saw me “Good morning. You hungry?”

I nodded enthusiastically, I would always be hungry for pancakes. Especially ones that he made.

“You didn’t have to do this though, it must have taken a while”

He shrugged “I couldn’t sleep, so I thought might as well get up and do something”

“Nightmare again?” I asked, moving forwards and wrapping my arms around him from behind, making sure he could still move the frying pan

“Yeah, it wasn’t the worst though. They haven’t been as bad recently”

“Ok… let me know if they get worse though, alright? I want to be here for you”

Robbe turned around slightly, planting a kiss on my head “I know you are and I really appreciate it. I would still be alone under my covers if it wasn’t for you”

I still hated thinking about that. The image of Robbe cowering all alone, the darkness eating him up from the inside and kicking out all the light that he had worked so hard to gain over the years. But as much as I was hurt by the thought of it, I knew that it was so much harder for him. Because he was there. He was living it… _reliving_ it.

“You know… Lilly decided to go back to therapy. I could give you her therapists number if you want? No pressure to go or anything, it’s just that maybe you would want to talk to a professional. If you think it’s a bad idea we can just forget about it”

“I don’t think it’s a bad idea” he said “I just don’t know if telling a complete stranger my life story is going to help me… I’ll definitely think it over though and you can send me the number so I have it”

I nodded. It was completely his decision anyway, therapy wasn’t for everyone. I just wanted him to know that I cared and was doing my best to support him, showing him how much of a support network he had around him and the things he could do to try and settle his mind. Of course, I didn’t want to come across as overbearing. The last thing I wanted to do was smother him. That was not what he needed. The opposite really. He had the chance to be free, he needed space to flourish more than anything.

But the grateful smile on his face told me that he didn’t think I was doing that. Which I was relieved about.

“What about you?” he asked, flipping the pancake in the pan “How are you feeling about everything?”

It was so sweet of him to worry about me when he was facing so much himself

“I’m ok” I replied, sincerely “Things have been good since I opened up about it… I think I just needed to take that step and begin to move forwards. I spent so much time putting things on myself and making myself the villain. But the thing that I should have been doing was talking about it”

“Are you sure that’s enough? Grief can be a tough thing to handle”

I rubbed my nose gently on the back of his neck, the baby hairs at his nape tickling my skin

“All I needed was a support system around me” I mumbled “And I have it”

“You do” Robbe agreed

He put all of the pancakes on a plate, balancing them somewhat haphazardly, and broke away from my hold to place it on the table, a wide grin on his face. It was enough to feed an entire family, but I was sure that we would get through them with no problem at all.

“Voila!” 

I didn’t move a muscle, instead standing there and gazing at him. Taking in every aspect of the most perfect man standing in front of me. The way his hair was adorably tousled from sleep and the numerous times he had probably ran his hands through it. The way his eyes were lit up, sparkling like a thousand fairy lights. The way he was drowning in my jumper, looking so cosy. 

Robbe had brought some clothes round to put in my room, but he still much preferred to wear mine around the flat. I didn’t have any complaints, the view was way too good for me to do that. 

“Are you not going to eat?” he asked, giving me a puzzled expression “You said you were hungry” 

I moved towards him, grabbing his waist and sneaking my hands underneath the jumper to pull him close. I could hear the way he reacted to my touch as he gasped. It may have just been because my hands were cold, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Maybe…” I whispered “I am hungry for something else” 

To my surprise, it was Robbe who kissed me first, getting there before I could. He stood on his tip-toes and reached up to put his hands behind my head, pulling me in and connecting our mouths together. It was a little desperate, the two of us panting into each other’s mouths, grasping on and trying to get as close as possible. 

Just as I was about to pick him up and put him onto the counter top, I heard the footsteps of my roommate. In that moment I hated him. All I wanted to do was kick him out onto the street and lock the door behind him for interrupting us. 

“Ah ah ah” he teased, spotting us as he came bounding in “Let’s not ruin the communal spaces” 

We pulled away from each other and I could see the way Robbe’s face had gone entirely red with embarrassment 

“Morning, Senne” I grumbled “How nice of you to join us” 

He grinned at me “I know, we can all have breakfast as a group! How fun is that? And oh my god  _pancakes?_ Even better – thanks Robbe” 

I scoffed “How did you know I didn’t make them?” 

Senne rolled his eyes, fixing me with a look “In all the years I have known you, not once have you made these. Don’t try and take credit for your wonderful boyfriend’s hard work” 

Beside me Robbe’s shoulders were shaking with laughter and he was covering his mouth to stop the incessant noise from coming out. 

“Fine… but he wouldn’t have been able to make them without the ingredients soo” 

“Ok, Sander. Who bought the ingredients?” 

“You! Fine!”

I threw my hands up in the air, going to sit down at the table and filled my plate with food 

Robbe giggled and sat down beside me. I was so glad he was in high spirits. It was exactly what he deserved. 

The three of us ate our breakfast together, talking about the day and sharing jokes over the table. It was such a good time being with the two of them, it did make me wonder why I had stopped them from hanging out in the beginning. 

That thought was shattered soon after when Senne started sharing stories, but it wasn’t the end of the world. He found them extremely funny, his whole face contorting as they both laughed at my expense. Before, I probably would have been mad at Senne… but if he was able to put that much happiness into the love of my life? Well, I was completely grateful for it. He needed all of the joy he could handle, and he deserved it all. 

Senne’s phone started ringing, the loud tone ringing in our ears. 

“Hey!” he greeted enthusiastically as he picked it up “Everything ok? Oh they are both here, I can just put you on loud speaker” he placed it down on the table and mouthed “It’s Noor” 

“Hey guys!” she said happily, much too chirpy for before midday if you asked me 

“Hi, Noor” Robbe replied, using the same amount of energy, whereas I just grunted a hello, not really trying to please her anymore. She was aware of my personality by now, no need to sugar coat it. 

“I was just wondering if you were all free on Saturday? I thought it would be cool to have a party at my place. So, I just wanted to know if you guys were interested in coming” 

Robbe’s face had an unreadable expression when I turned to look at him. He leaned forward towards the phone, sounding a little unsure when he started speaking, a stark contrast to his first greeting. 

“Um… you’re inviting me too?” 

She laughed, probably thinking he was joking, but sent assurances after he was silent 

“Of course, Robbe! You’re not just Sander’s boyfriend, you’re my friend. I want you there, so does Moyo. You can bring your roommates along too, if you want. They seemed super cool when we hung out before” 

I could see the smile come over his face 

“Oh… well I’m sure I’ll be able to make it” 

“Great! And what about you two? Especially you, Senne. It’s been too long since you showed your face” 

“I’ll be there” I confirmed, even though it pretty much went without saying. If Robbe was going then I was for sure going to be there 

If there was a chance that I could see my boyfriend doing his cute dance moves, then sign me up, always. 

“Me too. Looking forward to it, Noor” Senne confirmed “Especially if Robbe’s roommates are going to be there…” 

“Got a little crush on someone, Senne?” Noor teased over the line 

He scoffed, his cheeks flushing a faint pink colour “Um, no… I just think Zoë is really cool, that’s all…” 

All of us were snickering, really enjoying the fact that Senne was so flustered. It wasn’t like him at all to get like that. Normally he was super chill. 

“Oh shut up” he groaned “The point is, we’ll all be there, thanks for the invite, Noor” 

“Great! I will send you over the details then, bye!” 

We all chorused our goodbyes, practically yelling them down the phone at her and probably causing some type of damage to her eardrum, before ringing off. 

I twisted towards Robbe, snaking my arm around him and rubbing his back slowly 

“You really thought that she wouldn’t want to invite you?” I asked 

He shrugged, leaning into my side “Just not used to that happening, that’s all” 

“Well get used to it, people are gonna be fighting over you” 

Senne made a sound of agreement in front of us, still shovelling pancakes into his mouth 

“It’s true” he mumbled “I’m going to book you in from now on, just to be safe. Nobody is going to take you away from me” 

I chuckled, narrowing my eyes at him “Trying to steal my boyfriend again?” 

“What can I say? It’s the eyes…” 

We all burst into laughter before going back to eating our breakfast.

There was an easy, almost calm mood that settled over the room after that. Of course, we were fine when we first sat down but after that phone call… it felt like something had shifted. Like an understanding had come between my best friends and my boyfriend. That something in Robbe’s brain had clicked and he finally understood how much everybody cares about him. 

And that small content smile that was on his face… I could have looked at it forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff! Yay! Hope you liked it 🥰 
> 
> Endless cookies and hugs for anyone who wants them 🧡


	27. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be the last chapter but something just didn't feel right with that. So, I wrote an epilogue which has a time jump in it. I guess that means this is kind of an ending of sorts? If you want to look at it that way 
> 
> Hope you like the chapter!

“Are you excited to see your boyfriend?” Zoë teased

“I don’t know… are you excited to see Senne?” I retorted, delighting in the blush that came over her face

“I… um, how did you…”

“I didn’t… at least not for sure until now. Thanks for the confirmation” I laughed

I was a little hurt that she hadn’t told me about it. Normally she was the one always nagging at me to tell her all about my crushes. With Sander she was constantly on my back about it. But judging from the way Sander didn’t seem to know about Senne either, they had probably just been keeping things very low key. Possibly from each other by the looks of things… honestly, both of them were hypocrites.

We were on our way to the party Noor had invited us to. The three of us super excited to go out and have some fun after weeks of being caught up by work… or in my case just life.

Zoë was right, I was excited to see Sander. He was the reason I had a skip in my step and why I was trying to get there as fast as I could. I wanted to see him as soon as possible. Wanted to see his bright green eyes and his blonde hair that caught the light. It was even more adorable to look at now with the way his natural brown roots starting to grow through. The next time he came to the shop, I would be more than happy to bleach his hair for him, and would for sure shove Zoë out of the way if she tried to intervene.

He was one of the best things that had ever happened to me. Certainly the only good thing that had happened to me of late. I thought that the universe had some sort of curse against me. That my life would just be filled with torment and the ghosts of my past would always be there laughing at me. But how could that be the case when Sander was by my side? He had been the shining light in my dark times and I would forever grateful for him.

Sure, things would take a while to get better, but I had so much more hope and fight inside of me because of him.

Noor greeted us at the door ecstatically and almost with a hint of surprise, as if she hadn’t expected us to take her up on the offer. There was no way I would have refused.

“It’s so great to see you all!” she exclaimed, reaching her arms out and inviting us all into a group hug “Come in, come in!”

We were ushered inside, joining the people already milling about in her living room. There were a few people I didn’t know but primarily it was all familiar faces. Moyo was there, of course, and Senne was next to him. It looked like he was talking but Moyo was too preoccupied staring over at us, or more so Noor than anybody else, to pay attention to what he was saying.

And then when Senne looked over to see what he was so distracted by, their whole conversation was abandoned. He was too busy making eyes at Zoë to care about talking to Moyo anymore.

All of us in that room were complete and utter idiots. I don’t think any of us were qualified to give love advice. I certainly wouldn’t be listening to them anymore after I witnessed the disasters they became over their crushes. To be honest, it was quite funny to witness though.

Then I heard a soothing voice whispering in my ear

“Hey, fancy seeing you here”

I spun round, the grin already spreading onto my entire face, and I practically threw myself into Sander’s arms. He had opened them already, anticipating what I was going to do. Either that or he was about to bring me into them. Whichever one it was would have ended in the same result and it just proved how in sync we were together.

He clung onto me tight, keeping me pinned against him in a hug that we both so desperately needed.

Behind me, I could hear the girls giggling. So clearly finding our public displays of affection funny. I didn’t mind in the slightest. Everybody in the party could turn and look at us for all I cared. I was just happy to be surrounded by Sander’s arms, because that was the place I felt the safest in the world.

“Hey, Sander” Yasmina said to him, I could hear the smile in her voice “how have you been?”

“I’ve been really good actually! Things have been looking up. How about you?”

“That’s great, I’m so happy for you” she replied “I’m good too actually, I’ve been assigned this really fun shoot in a couple of weeks and these two have so generously agreed to help me out with it. It should be a really great time”

I lifted my head up to see Sander’s reaction. He knew first hand how nervous I was around cameras and having my pictures taken. But recently I had tried to get more out there and back to the person I was before my life was turned upside down. Doing shoots with Yas was something I loved, we both did. So, I wanted to try and do that again. I trusted her one hundred percent and having Zoë by my side during it would be the icing on the cake.

Sander had a proud smile on his face and he looked back down at me, his eyes sparkling

“Really? Well I, for one, can’t wait to see those pictures”

“You could even come along, if you want” Yasmina suggested “Robbe’s genuine smile is always blinding when he is around you, so”

“That would be awesome. I’d love to see the great Yasmina in action” he chuckled, making her blush a bit and roll her eyes “Just let me know when you do it, I’d love to be there”

I could feel his hand squeezing my waist, a reassuring weight on my skin. It was nice to have it there because, even though he was right next to me, it was just that extra level of assurance.

Sometimes I could see the look in his eyes, that feeling that maybe he is crossing a boundary or making me feel uncomfortable with things. But he never was and it just made me love him so much more than I already did.

“Ok, well we are going to see the others” Yasmina said with a smile “you two have fun!”

“But not too much fun” Zoë yelled over her shoulder teasingly as they walked away, making us both laugh

I moved my head closer to his, our noses almost brushing together

“Hi”

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“Actually? I think I’m doing ok… things have slowly been getting better. This is the best that I have felt in a while, so thank you”

Sander scrunched his nose up in confusion

“Why are you thanking me? I haven’t really done anything”

I moved my hands to cup his face

“Um, yes you have. There is no way I would be doing this well if I didn’t have such a supportive caring person by my side. Sure the girls are great, but you have shown me what it truly feels like to be loved out loud”

He smiled so brightly, his eyes lighting up as he gazed at me. His mouth opened and shut a couple of times but he didn’t say anything. It was a while before I realised that he was speechless. It was kind of an achievement for me, as Sander being lost for words was a rarity.

“Do you… do you want to…” I mumbled, probably not loud enough for him to hear me

“What?”

I twisted my head slightly, nodding towards the make-shift dance floor the girls had made. Them and a few other people, that I assumed Noor knew, were dancing around, looking so carefree and happy… I just wanted to be a part of it. 

“Do you want to go dance?”

“You want to dance with me? In front of all of these people...” he asked, still looking confused yet elated “Are you feeling ok?”

I smiled, grabbing his hand and leading him over there

“Maybe I just met someone that showed me I could be unapologetically myself”

We both entered the group, almost immediately matching their energy and jumping up and down to the beat. It wasn’t that loud, but I could have sworn I felt the thrumming of the base vibrating through my body and it just amplified the adrenaline coursing through my veins.

Mere weeks ago, I would never have felt confident enough to do it. My brain would have held me back, trying to convince me that I would just make a fool out of myself in front of the room full of strangers. And maybe that was true. I might have looked like a complete idiot trying to move my body to the beat. But it was at that very moment that I realised I could not care less.

It didn’t matter if I wasn’t the coolest looking dancer there. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t move to one single beat correctly. The only thing that did matter was that I was having fun, which I was. It was actually the most fun I had felt in a long time.

Sander and I hand our arms wrapped around each other, laughing loudly only to have it drowned out by the music and the chatter from the others. I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

“Do you want to go get some drinks?” he asked after a while, practically panting with how out of breath he was

I nodded and allowed him to drag me by the arm through the circle of flying limbs. 

He came to an abrupt stop right outside the door, pointing in shock in front of him. I peered over his shoulder to see what all the fuss was about, only to see Noor and Moyo in a secluded corner. They were kissing, his hands in her hair and her hands gripping his arms. There was a sense of familiarity in the way they looked, like it wasn’t the first time.

That wasn’t really a surprise for me, but Sander sure did seem to think so. His mouth was still agape as we were stood outside.

“What’s up?” I asked as we walked into the kitchen, laughing slightly at his dazed expression “You were the one who told me they seemed flirty”

“Well yeah, but I didn’t think they would ever actually get together. They both seemed too stubborn to talk about their feelings”

I nudged him with my elbow “Remind you of anyone?”

He looked at me, grinning “No… nobody really springs to mind”

“It’s because you were already thinking about me” I said simply, shrugging

“Oh, ok. Does this mean I’ve unlocked sassy IJzermans? I’ve been trying for _weeks_ to get to this level”

I scoffed, shoving him away lightly, only for him to grab my hand and pull me back against him. It made it so that I was pushed right up against his chest, our faces inches apart. If that guy hadn’t already captured my heart, I would have given it to him there and then.

“Is that your way of telling me you’re a secret gamer boy?” I asked, trying not to sound as breathless as I was “Because it would be better to find that out now, so I can get out”

“This coming from the Mario Kart champion?”

“Everyone knows that game is for novices, but you are taking things to another level. I may have made a mistake getting into this relationship…”

Sander shook his head “That’s the denial, you love it really”

I pouted a little and tilted my head to the side, trying to look a little sceptical

“Oh, I do?”

He bit his lower lip, probably not meaning anything by it, but making my heart flip over about ten times in my chest.

“Mhm, afraid so”

I shrugged, grinning “Ok, I guess I do. You sitting there with that concentrated look on your face… yeah, that’s hard to hate”

He smirked, his eyes roaming mine

“And you want to know something else?” Sander asked me, inching closer

“What’s that?”

I could see the smile stretching across his face before he spoke

“ _God,_ I am so in love with you, Robbe IJzermans” he whispered, before kissing me softly

His hands went straight to my hair, tangling into the curls. I could feel him tugging at them, but there was a tender and almost gentle feel to it.

It almost made my legs buckle with the way he made me feel. Every time he kissed me, every time he so much as brushed up against me, it was like a fire being lit inside of me. He made me feel like I never had before and I was so grateful for it. I never wanted that feeling to go away. And I was confident that it wouldn’t.

I pressed a couple of small kisses to his lips before moving away, although not far enough that I had to step out of his hold

“That’s good then” I said, beaming “because I am so ridiculously in love with you too”

Just as I was about to grab him and pull him in for another kiss, we were interrupted by someone’s hand grabbing our arms

“I can see you aren’t here to get drinks, so come and join us!” Noor yelled drunkenly in our ears

People said to me that I was adorable when I had been drinking, but I think Noor rivalled me. She was practically skipping across the room, grinning widely and laughing at everything and nothing. I wasn’t into girls but I could see why Moyo was so caught up with her.

“You’re one to talk about socialising” Sander snorted “Weren’t you the one making out with Moyo just now?”

She pouted a little, shaking her head and giggling “Um, must have been someone else. I would never have been so hypocritical”

He rolled his eyes “Fine, but once this alcohol wears off, I’m getting all of the juicy information out of you… oddly it’s supposed to be the other way around, isn’t it?”

Noor just shrugged and dragged us both back to the living room

“Come on!” She cried, gesturing for us to join them

Sander looked at me, a small smile on his face “We could just leave now, if you want. Go somewhere more quiet”

I grabbed his hand in mine, walking further into the room like before, but this time I was more determined and sure of myself.

“That’s ok, we can stay here… because I’ve realised something”

“What’s that?” he asked, looping his arms around my waist

“Sometimes you think that you want to disappear… but all you really want is to be found”

I slung my arms around his neck and danced close to him, our smiles so bright that they lit up the entire place.

“And I’m so glad that you found me” I told him, before surging forward and connecting our mouths again, claiming the kiss that was stolen from us moments ago.

Sander didn’t respond in words, but the way he held me in a way so delicate yet strong. The way his lips were so sure against mine. The way I could feel the shape of his smile as we expressed our love for one another. It was enough to tell me everything I needed to know.

The rest of our night was spent surrounded by the people that I loved. My amazing best friends, the people that had been there supporting me since the beginning even when I didn’t think I needed it. And my wonderful boyfriend. The person that I didn’t think I would get to be there with, but now that I was… I was the happiest I think I had ever been before.

And I was sure that feeling would only ever grow from that moment onwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more chapter left 😭 
> 
> See you all tomorrow for the finale!


	28. Robbe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are... the end 
> 
> I'm kind of nervous about this chapter, it's the last one and I didn't really know how to end it the best way. But hopefully it comes close to your expectations haha 
> 
> This whole fic has been a roller coaster, thank you everyone for coming on the ride 🧡

~ 5 years later ~

To say that my life had been perfect would probably be me wearing my rose-tinted glasses. Of course, it hadn’t been perfect, nobody’s life could be. There would always be ups and downs, that is just the way it goes. But it would be accurate for me to say that the past years with Sander has been some of the best I had ever had.

He was always there for me. Attentive and calming, my rock. A constant figure by my side when things got tough for me and through all the hard decisions I had to make. He was just always there, and I loved him for it.

The time when I was most grateful was when I was making one of the hardest decisions I thought I would ever have to make. It was about a restraining order against Philip. So many of my friends thought that it was an easy decision, a no brainer, but I wanted to properly think it through before doing it. I knew that it could ruin someone’s life, impact their job, their living situation, everything.

Yasmina especially was someone encouraging me to just do it. She had made the argument that he had done all of that to me. He impacted my life and I had all the rights to do the same to him. It was a valid excuse I had to admit, but I didn’t want to file it out of spite. That wasn’t the type of person I was and I didn’t want him to turn me into that either. Sure, I hated him for what he did to me and I would never forgive him for that… but if I filed something _purely_ to wreck his life, did that make me a bad person too?

Sander never really said anything on that front, not trying to impact my decision one way or another. All he did say was that he supported me with whatever I decided to do. I think that is what made it so much easier. That the one person I was scared of possibly disappointing with it couldn’t have been more supportive of me. The only thing he was concerned with was how my mental health was being handled through it. He didn’t want me to sink back into the place that I had been in previously. Which I was determined not to do either.

I had been going to therapy. Talking things through with someone around once a week. At first I had been hesitant but after a lot of thinking, I decided that maybe getting everything out in a professional and safe environment would be a good thing to do.

I knew that it wouldn’t be an instant fix, and that it might not have helped me that much. Therapy wasn’t for everyone, after all. But for me it helped to settle my mind. The nightmares became a lot less frequent over the following months and years after that. Whether that was the therapy or Sander I wasn’t sure but the combination of them was definitely great.

Sander used to go to them too. After a while he decided to stop, but he went for bereavement counselling, saying that maybe he should try and get the demons of the past out. It did seem to help him, he was so much happier than he was before. And obviously the therapy didn’t change his personality, but it helped him to change his mindset. With that, he was no longer carrying his crushing past on his shoulders… at least, the weight had gotten a little lighter.

But it was thanks to therapy, that I eventually decided to do it, get a restraining order. And it wasn’t about Phil getting what he deserved. It was about me.

I realised, when talking about things, I had mentioned an awful lot about still feeling uneasy sometimes. That the lingering fears of him coming back were still there.

So I filed it to feel safe again.

It was about me feeling safe in my own house, in my street. I wanted to feel like I could go for a walk and not check over my shoulder for him lurking there like I had been doing for so long. It was tedious and not doing me any good.

So, I did it and it probably one of the times I had felt the most free in my entire life. Like a weight had been lifted off of me. Like I could finally spread my wings and soar through the skies like I had always wanted to.

That happened a few years ago and since then I had been having the time of my life. Sander and I got a place together, finally moving in like we had wanted to for ages. It didn’t come as a surprise to anyone when we announced it, we rarely spent any nights apart as it was, whether that be him staying round with me and the girls or me going to his flat with Senne.

Our entire flat was just the most beautiful place you could ever think of. Maybe to others it was kind of small and dinky but to us it was heaven. All we really needed was a place where we could be together, and that’s what we got. So, as far as we were concerned, we hit the jackpot when we bought it.

I got to wake up to his face every single day and know that we would be able to lie like that without any interruptions. God, it was absolute heaven.

But one day was unlike all the others, even if I didn’t know it.

I slid my hand across the mattress as I woke up, blindly reaching for Sander but realising he wasn’t there when all I was met with was a bunch of duvet scrunched up on his side.

Tiredly, I made my way to the kitchen, listening intently as I heard the deep tones of his voice mumbling seemingly to himself. I found it quite odd as Sander never usually got up that early. It was normally me bustling about in the kitchen, making breakfast as he continued snoring in bed. Not that I minded at all, that was just the routine we had found ourselves naturally slipping into.

“Yeah, so you’ll be there to help me? Great… yes, yes I know…”

Sander turned around as soon as he heard me walk in, a grin spreading on his face

“Ok, I’ll talk to you later then. Thanks again, bye”

“Good morning” I mumbled, reaching my arms out for a hug

He put his phone down and reciprocated immediately, squeezing me with so much force you would have thought we had been separated for months and finally reuniting.

“Morning, baby” he whispered, kissing the top of my head gently “I made coffee, you want some?”

I hummed in agreement before going to sit down at the table, resting my chin in my hands and lovingly watching him as he went about fixing me a drink.

“So, who was that on the phone?” I asked, just making conversation 

“Oh, just Noor” he replied “We’re getting some new equipment in so I was wondering if she would be there to help set it up”

I nodded, a smile coming over my face as he set the coffee down in front of me with a flourish. He looked incredibly proud of himself and I would have teased him for finally locating the coffee machine, but the look on his face made me decide against it.

“Make sure Moyo helps out too” I told him, raising an eyebrow “He’s always trying to get out of things”

He chuckled “Oh, don’t worry, Moyo is definitely going to help out. He’s wriggled out of things one too many times for my liking. Plus, Noor has him wrapped around her little finger. If she asks him to do it, he will. Maybe she won’t even ask, just one look is enough for him to be told”

And that was very true. One look and Noor could get Moyo to do whatever she wanted.

The two of them had such an interesting dynamic. They were both such strong personalities separately, but when combined they just melted. It was like as soon as their eyes met they just instantly became calmer. Moyo showed it more than Noor as she was better at keeping cool but it was still there.

They were so smitten with each other, it was nice to see them come out about their relationship and feel comfortable expressing how much they liked each other around other people. As much as we teased them about it, we were so incredibly happy for them.

I reached out and grabbed the cup that was sitting in front of me, in doing so glancing at the tattoo patterned on my wrist. It was something I had gotten done years ago but it never ceased to amaze me every time I looked at it. My boyfriend’s artwork would always astonish me every time, no matter how much I look at his creations.

The tattoo was simple, just a small crescent moon printed on my skin. To some it may not have seemed like much but to me the meaning of it cut deep. It symbolised the change in my life and the way that I had decided to follow my own path, taking charge and living for myself instead of hiding. I had got the occasional comment that if I was trying to say I wasn’t in the shadows anymore then why wouldn’t I have got a sun tattoo instead?

That was because that tattoo belonged to Sander.

He had one in the same style, courtesy of Noor, on his chest. More specifically, covering his heart. Not only did it show that he was the light in my life, it was a representation of getting through dark times in someone’s life, which I think really helped him. Especially since it was so close to the one on his stomach, almost casting rays of light on the people there.

We had another shared tattoo together, one that I kept more hidden than the others. It was a yin and yang symbol, I had the black half and Sander had the white. Most people didn’t know I had it as it was located on my hip, a place not many people would see on a daily basis… apart from Sander, of course.

It was just something that we wanted to do together. A thing that showed how close we were. It is used to describe seemingly opposing forces working together in harmony, which I think perfectly described us. Sure, on paper we might not seem to work. We didn’t really share many common interests. But none of that mattered, because we just fit together.

I knew that Sander loved it, purely by the way he was constantly touching me there. Just a hand lying over my clothes, or just a finger softly brushing my skin, but just reminding us both how perfect we were for each other and how much love we shared.

“Admiring my talent again?” Sander teased as I broke out of my daze

“Always, you know that”

He leaned forwards, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose and running a hand through my hair, messing up the already wild bed head I was sporting

“You look gorgeous today” he told me, being completely genuine

I snorted as he turned around and began putting bread in the toaster. He never was a very good cook but it was the thought that counted. At least he was attempting to make something for me.

“It’s true” he confirmed, almost being able to sense my eye roll even though he was no longer looking at me “your beauty is blinding me this morning, my love”

I giggled, continuing to drink my coffee. It wasn’t too strong but still had a good flavour to it. He knew just how I liked it made. It was the small things that made my heart feel full.

“I look like hell, San… maybe you should go and get your eyes tested”

“No need, I know for a fact that you are the most beautiful human being on this earth even without lenses. Not that it’s hard, the attractiveness just seeps out of your pores” 

My shoulders were shaking with laughter as I listened to him ramble on 

“What a sap” I mumbled, a smile fixed on my face 

He came over, carrying the plates of toast and putting them next to the array of jams, spreads and honey already lined up for us. I wasn’t sure what had prompted him to be so helpful that morning but I was worried he would stop if I questioned it, so I didn’t. 

“You know what you signed up for when you agreed to go out with me” Sander said, shrugging 

“I was deceived. You blinded me with your sparkly green eyes and hid it in the small print” 

He sat down opposite me “Maybe you just chose not to see it because of how head over heels you were for me”

“Sure” I replied, looking at him fondly “Let’s go with that”

Things were normally like that with us. Teasing constantly to try and get a reaction. It was never cruel or hurtful to the other person, just something that we would do to laugh or joke around.

“So, what are your plans for today?” Sander asked me once we had finished eating and begun getting dressed and ready for the day

“Well, Jens has got the new intern at the shop today so they have things handled on that front. I think Zoë, Yas and I were going to go out to get some lunch but that’s about it. I could come by your work and help out later if you want? Packing away all that stuff could go by quicker with an extra pair of hands”

“No!” he almost cried “Um, that’s ok… we’ll have things handled there. Don’t worry about it, just relax and take advantage of not having to rush around all day with clients”

I let out a small laugh “Sure, I would likely just get under your feet anyway. The girls probably won’t object to staying out longer with me. In fact, they’re the ones who always ask me to not go home and leave them. If I propose the idea of hanging out for longer they might actually throw a party”

He chuckled, nodding “That sounds like them”

Sander made his way towards the door, clinging onto my hand and refusing to let go. Our fingers were linked together and it seemed like he had no intentions of changing that anytime soon.

“You have to go to work” I laughed, leaning forwards and pressing a light kiss to his nose “Now go, or Noor will have your head for being late”

He stuck his bottom lip out in a frown but eventually agreed. Being late to work was something he had done probably too many times to count. He always blamed it on my ‘gorgeous face’ and the fact that he had no willpower to fight against our magnetic connection.

I never understood how he got that to slide with Noor. They opened up their own parlour, starting their own business after they saw how me and Jens did it. It wasn’t a quick decision or anything. It took them lots of planning and even then they didn’t go through with it for a while, scared about losing their job security and money. But after lots of reassurance, they did it and they never looked back. Ok, maybe a glance back… but they didn’t regret the decision they made.

So, they were technically business partners, but Noor was incredibly strict when it came to punctuality and took on the role of boss when he started getting too laid back. So, how he convinced her not to draw a god awful tattoo on his face as punishment… I shall never know.

I wouldn’t be opposed to her doing that either… maybe not a permanent one. But it would be hilarious for him to think it was. Even just for a little while.

“I’ll see you later, baby” Sander said before he closed the door behind him “have a good day”

“You too!”

***

The girls and I were sat in a coffee shop, just catching up and talking about things that had happened since we last spoke. Which wasn’t a lot considering we all saw each other a few days prior, but after being roommates and living together for so long, we would always have that bond and miss spending so much time together.

“So…” Yasmina said brightly “How are things going with Sander? Is he ok?”

“Things are amazing! And he’s doing great actually, sad he can’t be here to see you guys – I know he misses you almost as much as I do sometimes. Duty calls though”

“He’s at work then?” Zoë asked, sipping her drink and peering at me over the edge of the mug

“Yeah, he said they got some new equipment that needed sorting” I explained, shrugging easily “It’s fine though, we can all hang out together another time. Maybe this weekend if you two are up for it. Bring Senne too, it’ll be good to see him”

Zoë and Senne had taken a little longer to get together. They liked each other, it was obvious, but their flirting stage was stretched on for a long amount of time and left a lot of uncertainty as to whether they wanted an actual relationship.

But after a lot of talking, they realised that communication was the key (which is odd considering that was what she had kept telling me before). And once they got together, they were inseparable. They were so cute and I was glad to see them both so happy. They both deserved it so much.

I looked at the two of them. To other people it may have seemed like they had normal expressions on their faces, smiling naturally and enjoying their lunch. But I knew better. Having lived with them for years, and knowing Yasmina for much longer than that, I could tell when something was off. And that was exactly what was happening.

I didn’t know what it was… but I knew something shifty was going on.

“What?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at them “What’s going on? Tell me”

Zoë’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly

“Robbe, what are you talking about?” she scoffed “Nothing is going on”

“Maybe all of that caffeine has gone to your head” Yasmina teased “You always did get hyped up on that stuff… maybe instead of becoming an excited puppy you’ve turned into paranoid maniac”

I rolled my eyes. If they didn’t want to tell me, that was fine. Except it wasn’t and I was considering it a complete betrayal of our friendship.

“Fine” I said simply, shrugging my shoulders and continuing to eat my food “If you want to be like that, you can keep your secrets… I’ll figure it out sooner or later”

They both shared a sly glance over the table. It was quick, but not quick enough for me not to see.

“Ok” Yas said, smiling “I’m sure you will”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“We’re just agreeing with you, Robbe” Zoë said simply

After rolling my eyes yet again, I decided to drop it. If it was something big and serious, they would have told me. We always vowed to tell each other the things on our minds, so it was probably just something small or silly like a crush that one of them had. Not that I would know why they wouldn’t come to me for advice on that, considering I was the only one that had a serious relationship.

It was all fine though. All forgotten, and we went on with our day.

If I saw them sneaking glances, or trying to do it inconspicuously, then I didn’t say anything. I didn’t even bat an eyelid to it.

As we parted later in the evening, before I went back home, we all shared a tight hug. It was nice, familiar, and a little hard to let go. It always was, even though I knew we would be seeing each other again really soon.

“Have a good night, sweetie!” Yasmina said, kissing my cheek

“Enjoy yourself” Zoë told me, which I thought was a little odd. Especially since I had said that I had literally no plans for that evening. My night would just consist of me getting into my pyjamas, cuddling up on the sofa with Sander and watching Netflix.

She was probably just trying to be funny and tease me like she normally does, so I took it as such.

“I will!” I replied with a chuckle “Peter Parker is waiting for me as we speak. And tell Senne I said hi!”

“I will!”

I made my way home, still thinking about how odd our interactions had been. There was something in my mind that was telling me it was something bigger than I first imagined. But I didn’t need the stress of trying to unpack all of that. All I needed was comfy clothes and my boyfriend. And that was exactly what I intended on getting. 

***

“Robbe!” Sander exclaimed as soon as I walked through the front door

He grabbed my bag, dropping it down on the floor and picking me up easily; spinning me round as I squealed.

“Hey” I said into his neck, burying my nose into the skin there “What’s up?”

“Nothing” He replied, pressing kisses wherever he could reach “I just missed you today… did you have fun?”

He put me back on the floor gently as I answered

“It was good, yeah… things were a little odd though”

“How do you mean?”

“I don’t know… It just seemed like they knew something I didn’t. It’s fine though, it was probably nothing”

He shrugged “Probably, but to get your mind off it – because I know you’ll overthink it, I have already got the take-out and put on a movie. Let’s go, come on”

I giggled as he dragged me to the living room, practically pushing me down onto the sofa.

From the title screen paused on the TV, I could see Spiderman already and the uncontrollable smile grew on my face. Sander truly was my soulmate, it was like he could read my mind, even when I wasn’t with him.

“Is this ok?” he asked, sitting down beside me

“More than ok” I told him, turning my head and placing a sweet kiss on the tip of his nose “Thank you”

We sat together, eating our food and watching the movie together. Gasping and laughing at the same parts as if we were actually the same person. It was crazy how that had happened since we moved in together. People always say that when you live together you start to look alike, I didn’t realise that they meant become the same person. 

Obviously, that was an exaggeration. We were separate people and led different lives, but the main fact lied in that we had become so close, it was as if our souls had merged into one. 

A little while after the movie had ended, but still while the credits were rolling on the screen (Sander always insisted on letting the entire thing play out, because that way everyone working on it would get the recognition they deserved), he jumped up. It startled me so much that I almost rolled off onto the floor. 

“Is everything ok?” I asked, concerned even though I was the one that almost bashed my head on the ground 

He nodded “Yeah… I was just thinking about something. Would you want to go on a walk? It seems like a nice night” 

I peered out the window sceptically “Won’t it be a bit cold?” 

“Maybe… but can we anyway? It could be nice to get some air” 

Sander widened his eyes, he knew I could never resist them. As much as I tried to, it was an impossible task. 

“Please, Robbe?” he begged 

I rolled my eyes, trying to seem annoyed even though I was grinning at him 

“Ok, let’s go” 

“Yes!” he cried, pumping his fist in the air and whooping like a little kid that just got told he could have all the sweets he wanted 

All I could do was smile at him, though. Because he was just the most adorable and fun-loving guy I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. There wasn’t a bad bone in his body. 

I knew that if we went out and I was too cold, we would just turn back and be enveloped by the warmth of our flat. He wouldn’t make me walk out in the freezing cold against my will. 

We went to the door, putting on our coats, and Sander placing a beanie on his head. I always loved the way he looked when he wore it. Especially since it reminded me so much of our first date. The way he used it to cover up his seemingly bad hair. 

I hadn’t thought it was that bad, but he did. Even so, he gave up his hat to me anyway. That moment right then should have told me everything I needed to know about Sander. He was just the most lovely guy in the world. 

***

Our walk turned out to be longer than I had anticipated. We were traipsing along the road for over fifteen minutes, almost shuffling along as the night breeze picked up and blew in our faces.

Sander seemed determined, though. And he led me round corners that weren’t usually the places we would walk to. So, instead of suggesting we turn back, I let him continue on the little journey. It was intriguing to me and I wanted to see how it played out.

Eventually we turned into a large field. One that seemed familiar, but in the dark I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Then, as we advanced, I could see light beginning to form before my eyes.

The whole section was lit up, fairy lights strung from the lampposts and the low hanging branches of trees. It looked magnificent, the whole place aglow with the small yellow beams of light. It took my breath away just staring up at it.

“Sander, what…?”

“Um… this is what Noor and Moyo were helping me with today” he explained as we walked closer to it, becoming surrounded by the light it was casting on the dark evening “Lilly gave me the idea itself, she is quite good at all of that romantic stuff actually. She was so excited that she got to help me”

We stopped in the middle of the path and he turned towards me, a wide yet nervous smile on his face. He took my hands in his, squeezing them tight and rubbing his thumbs over my skin softly.

“I’m not sure if you remember…” he said quietly, looking at me deep in my eyes “But this is where we had our first date. It looked a bit different then, it was filled with fairground attractions, but it was the very same place. Of course, it would have been great to have the same lights and ambience that we had then, but fairy lights were the best substitute I could find. Well, there were disco lights but I thought that it might turn into an all out rave so…”

I giggled, listening to him ramble on. He always did this when he had something important to say. Drift off topic even though the likelihood was he had rehearsed it on paper and in his head a thousand times before.

“It looks a lot different without the rides…” I said quietly, almost like a musing, peering around at the lights in wonder

When I looked back at Sander, he was looking at me with sparkling eyes. It could have been the reflections of the light, but I knew better than that. He was just that beautiful.

“The reason I brought you back here is because there is something really important that I needed to ask you”

“Ok…” I breathed out anxiously, biting on my lower lip

“But before I do, there is just one more thing…”

Sander reached up to his head and took the beanie off that he was wearing, placing it on top of my curls.

I looked at him with wide eyes “You remember that?”

He scoffed a little under his breath “Of course, I remember that. I remember everything about that night. It was the first time I went out with the love of my life, how could I not have every single detail burned deep into my mind?”

Then he stepped away a little, putting some distance between us before lowing himself on the ground. He propped himself up on one knee and reached into his pocket, producing a small black box.

I did wonder how I hadn’t noticed it there before, but then I never really had been one for close observations. I was probably too enamoured by his gorgeous face that everything else was a blur to me.

Sander opened the box and twisted it round, showing me the small gold band inside. I could see it glistening with the reflections of the lights around us.

It was a struggle to stop my mouth from gaping open and dropping onto the floor. I would never have guessed that he was planning to do that… sure, I wanted him to. I wanted him too so incredibly badly. But for it to happen at that moment? It completely caught me off guard.

“Robbe IJzermans… you are the best thing that has ever happened to me” he said, slowly and sincerely “From the moment I first laid eyes on you, I knew that you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with… and I hoped that you would feel the same way about me. I know that we went through a lot at the beginning, more than some people would ever go through, but I think that it what inevitably strengthened our bond. It showed us how individually we are good people… but together we are absolutely unstoppable”

I could feel my heart speeding up and it was a shock to me that it wasn’t bursting right out of my chest. I was in disbelief that it was all actually happening. Yet it all made so much sense. Everything was slotting into place. All the whispering on the phone and the girls’ sharing sneaky looks when they thought I wouldn’t notice.

“You have always been there, supporting me. When I opened up to you about some of the darkest things in my life, you were there giving me your shoulder, your arm, your whole body, to cry on. And I will never forget how, even though you felt so low, you still found the strength to support me to. Just as I did for you, because you are the love of my life and I would do _anything_ if it meant making you feel better”

He continued looking into my eyes, his gaze deep and unwavering as mine was prickling with the feeling of water starting to appear

“So… I guess that brings me to my question” he whispered “Would you… would you _please_ become my husband?”

I could feel tears running down my face, the emotion of the moment becoming too much for me as I nodded my head frantically

“Yes” I cried “Yes! Of course I will”

He clambered up from his position on the floor and placed the ring on my finger. It looked so perfect, like it had always belonged there. Which I suppose it had.

Sander wiped the tears away from my face tenderly, before bringing me into his arms tightly. I had never felt a hug like that one before. So much passion and relief put into it, our limbs refusing to let go, rather preferring to intertwine. Much like the commitment we were about to seal with each other.

I knew that we would be together forever. Maybe not always like some people may assume on meeting us. I used to have doubts and nagging insecurities that almost ended it all. But if that piece of jewellery signified anything specific, it was our undying bond and represented the knowledge Sander and I had that we were unbreakable. 

“You know…” Sander said softly into my ear, still refusing to separate from the tight embrace “When I asked you to be my boyfriend, I knew deep down that wasn’t going to be the last time I was down on one knee” 

I sighed, my heart aching with how full it was, and pulled back so I could look at him properly 

“I hoped it wouldn’t be” 

He grasped onto the back of my head and pulled me in, our mouths meeting together in the middle. My lips were slightly chapped from where I was biting them and his teeth were chattering a bit from the cold but it was one of the most amazing kisses we had ever shared. 

Sander’s hand came down to my hip, gripping it tightly over where my tattoo was located. Just another reminder of how we were two halves of the same whole, coming together harmoniously. Both of us fitting like two pieces of a jigsaw, completing not only the puzzle itself but each other. 

Our kiss was so full of love and promises, the implications of what was about to come for us. 

I just knew that it was the beginning of something incredible. And I couldn’t wait to share that journey with the one I loved. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I cannot express my gratitude enough through words. You will honestly never understand how much your comments and kudos meant to me when I was writing this, the support from all of you was so appreciated. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fic and even though it has come to an end, that doesn't mean that their story is over. As Robbe said, it's the beginning of something incredible for them.   
> Plus, this story will be here for you to read at your leisure (skipping out the seven chapters of angst if you wish haha) 
> 
> Sending each and every one of you infinite hugs, and even then it wont be enough   
> Lots of love 🥰

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Feedback is appreciated :) 
> 
> Tumblr: thenerd10  
> (if you have any prompts or something feel free to send them!)


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